They seem to be everywhere- in any internet political message board, on any C-SPAN call-in show, in the local paper letters to the editor. Libertarians. At least people who call themselves that. The trouble is, there are so many creatures that call themselves by that name that it’s hard to tell the players without a program. Indeed, the term is inclusive of many species and genera.
Timid Republican (pachydermis incognito) This curious beast walks with elephants, eats with elephants, votes with elephants, and breeds with elephants. Its sole distinguishing feature from genuine elephants is that it refuses to call itself an elephant. This species can be distinguished very easily by its stance on social issues. Whereas most species of libertarian are open to gay marriage and pro-choice, this variety toes the evangelical conservative line on every issue. Field identification is conclusive if heard uttering “Just because I’ve voted for Republicans in the past 20 elections doesn’t make me a Republican.”
Founder Fetishist (tompaineus assus) This variety can be found, magnifier in hand, parsing each and every syllable of the Federalist Papers for the divine and unerring wisdom of the Founding Fathers, whom their research invariably concludes were 100% libertarians. This creature rejects any idea that was not actually written in the Constitution prior to 1800. Field identification is simple once their mating call “Squawwk….Tenth Amendment….Squaaaawwwwwk” is heard.
White-Bellied Pure Blood (coocoo kluxklanus) This species eschews specimens of different coloration. Their persistently foul disposition dates back to the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Their fundamentalist adherence to the hallowedness of private property is absolute, trumping even such otherwise universally held conventions as equal protection under the law and civil rights. The phrase “when private businesses are told they must serve everybody, that’s communism!” gives this species away.
Ron Paul Cicadas (paulis divineus) This group emerges from under rocks at four year intervals to proclaim the inevitable election of Ron Paul as the next president. Due to their small population, little is known of these creatures other than their shrill and relentless cries of adulation for Ron Paul. It is believed that this species emerges from the ground as fully formed adults and are incapable of absorbing any new ideas or other intellectual nutrients. Their call “has Ron Paul touched you yet?” is both pervasive and creepy. Research indicates that this is the last cycle for this variety, as it metastasizes into the new subspecies Rand Paul Cicada.
Independent Mule (soleis survivalis) This species believes itself to be entirely outside the social network. They travel on public roads to publicly-insured banks to deposit their Social Security checks, then return home to their FHA loan house and on the government-developed internet post that “government never did anything for me, so government should not be helping the poor.” This species can often be recognized by its reliance on government-supplied items like oxygen tanks and Rascal Scooters and its stubborn refusal to consider paying a nickel more in taxes to pay for any of it.
Flying Unicorn (whackus whackus) This species is known for its beliefs which are in most life forms only accessible through misuse of medication. Examples include the belief that businesses would spontaneously self-regulate in the absence of government, that all human rights are derived from property rights, and that the roads should be privatized. This naïve belief in the pure magic of the free market separates it from other species, whom the unicorn looks down on as not being sufficiently “pure”. It is readily identified by its smug expression and condescending manner.
These species wander the continent, annoying but not hindering the great packs of donkeys and elephants that rule the landscape. These pests are usually kept under control by biennial use of elections, however individual creatures are capable of causing headaches and aggravation. Should you encounter groups of them, it is generally recommended to avoid such traditional weapons as facts and logic as most species have developed an immunity to the truth. The recommended survival technique is to ignore them and slowly walk away.