The race for the Republican nomination is nearing the starting line. The green flag is about to drop in a mere two months and a few days or weeks later it will all be over. Mitt Romney, who has been running since the 1876 election, is still the presumptive nominee. The only fly in his ointment is that ¾ of his party can’t stand him. It’s kind of hard to figure out why, since any person can take any position on any issue and be secure in the knowledge that at some point, Mitt Romney agreed with him. The Republicans are like a bride walking down the aisle carrying a shotgun, desperately scanning the church for somebody, anybody at all, whom she might force to take the place of the ugly groom waiting for her at the altar.
At first the shotgun was pointed at Donald Trump. He found that his skepticism of Obama’s citizenship resonated with the right wing. Unfortunately, Obama pulled some strings and got his “long form” birth certificate” released. Then there was that little bin Laden thing. One would almost think Trump was just pretending to think about running in order to pimp his reality show. Of course, that’s only because that’s exactly what he was doing.
Then there was Michele Bachmann. The right wing flocked to her. She was far right. She wasn’t Romney. She won a big straw vote. Then two disasters- people started listening to her and Rick Perry jumped in the race.
When Rick Perry jumped in, the air went out of Bachmann’s balloon and went into his. He soared to the top of the polls. Then the debates came. After each one, people asked themselves “Holy Christ, he isn’t that stupid, is he?” only to be reassured that yes, he really is that stupid. If the debate performances weren’t bad enough, his stump speeches are all the evidence one needs to say with conviction that this guy isn’t ready for primetime, or for morning, or even for infomercials. The anti-Romney people began to get desperate.
Enter the Anti-Romney Of The Month, Herman Cain. Besides being a successful businessman, he’s valedictorian of the Clarence Thomas School of Personal Relations. His “9-9-9” platform fits on a bumper sticker. Twice. With room to spare. His candidacy has a loud and clear message for Republicans “Looky here! We got ourselves a gen-you-whine black guy!” The Teahadists can say they support Cain and gain immunity from charges of racism. The trouble is, when one looks at “9-9-9” in depth, the gut reaction is to walk away laughing and saying “Asinine-asinine-asinine.” Like all Republican plans, his plan shifts the tax burden from the wealthy to the lower and middle classes. That, plus elimination of such pesky nuisances as regulations, will allow the magic of the free market to create millions of jobs and transform the nation into the land of milk and honey. At least, that’s what the Cain economic team says. But you can’t know who they are. That’s secret. What’s really secret is that Cain has no intention of winning. He’s on a book tour. If you want to be elected president, you need to build an organization and collect metric shitloads of money. Cain has done neither. Neither has he done such rudimentary prepping as to find out what the president actually does. Cain promised he’d sign a constitutional amendment to ban abortion. Apparently he has no idea that the presidency has no role whatsoever in the amendment process. He’d build a death fence along the border to keep out those Scary Brown People. Or he was joking. Or else he wasn’t. When asked if Palestinians had the right of return, he said of course. Maybe he thought the question was about what happens if they got a bad pizza. For such an ignoramus to then accuse Obama of being a threat to Israel is the height of silliness, which makes it fit nicely into his campaign. Or any of the campaigns, for that matter.
When it comes down to it, all of the Republican candidates are interchangeable. All of them want to cut taxes on the rich and increase them on the poor and middle classes. All of them really really hate government and any kind of spending whatsoever, except that it’s really vital for the US to keep spending as much on defense as the rest of the world combined. All of them say that immigration, gay marriage, and abortion are the biggest dangers to the human species. All of them refuse to recognize global warming or evolution. When the rank and file Republicans set as criteria that the candidates must be cold-blooded AND batshit-crazy, this should come as no surprise.
Our bride is nearing the altar and she’s running out of potential suitors to point that shotgun at. Maybe she’ll wind up with that ugly dweeb at the altar after all.