Don’t get me wrong. I like train wrecks as well as the next guy. But this train wreck of a nomination process left the rails long ago. We can walk out of this horror movie right now because we know how it ends.
Barring an untimely death or major scandal, Mitt Romney is going to be the nominee. This despite the fact that over 2/3 of Republicans would rather chug a tankard filled with congealed reindeer snot than see him get the nomination. If there was anyone, anyone at all remotely acceptable, they’d walk away from Romney quicker than Palin walked away from her governor’s chair. The only reason this charade is continuing is that the also-rans don’t have the sense to realize that they have no chance. It’s like watching The Sixth Sense- only there are multiple campaigns with no clue that they’re dead.
Rick Santorum- your campaign is dead. Yes, we know you really, really, really hate homosexuals. But homophobia is SO last decade. Bob Kerrey was right in 2003: Santorum IS Latin for “asshole”. Eight years later, the rest of us have it figured out. Sweet Baby Jesus, your own state rejected your attempt at re-election to the Senate. What makes you think the rest of the nation wants to promote you? Get out, get out now, get out yesterday.
Ron Paul- your campaign is dead. I even wonder if it (or you, for that matter) was ever alive. You look like you walk around to save on funeral expenses. Yes, we know that you have a cult and that they would walk on hot coals to vote for you in straw polls and online surveys. But I don’t care how much that your personal cult adores you, nobody else thinks you’re worthy of consideration. Your signature issue is the Federal Reserve, which nobody outside your cult gives a rat’s ass about. Since you’re not spending any campaign money and have no appreciable staff, you can and will stay in the race until Mitt Romney ascends the stage at the convention. If you had a grip on reality, you’d get out yesterday. Of course, you and reality have a lot of catching up to do.
Michele Bachmann- your campaign is dead. I can’t blame you for running. You knew, as did most of us, that The Quittinator wasn’t going to run. Maybe that MILF vote would go your way. If you could run without opening your mouth, you might stand a chance. Unfortunately, you opened it. You might have some native intelligence, but you’re batshit crazy. And we know that you think Obama is a poopyhead and that you disagree with every single breath he takes. If Obama said he likes puppies, you’d call a press conference to throw puppies through a wood chipper. The trouble is, people that hate Obama as much as you do won’t vote for him anyway. They WILL vote against Obama, but they sure as hell aren’t going to vote FOR you. Do us all a favor. Quit. Spend some quality time with your husband. You can even take turns wearing the negligee.
Jon Huntsman- your campaign is dead. In many ways you’re the most qualified to run. That’s the trouble. You said you believe in science, a great move if you’re trying to appeal to people with multiple brain cells. Not so great a move if you’re trying to win over the Republican base. Don’t you get it? You can’t give these people rational ideas. If it’s simplistic, blames all the world’s troubles on the Democrats or minorities or the poor, it works for the people you’re trying to win over. The right wing isn’t interested in intelligence. If you were half as smart as you appear, you’d have gotten out since, well since before you got in. You’re currently polling at zero, which apparently means you won’t even vote for yourself. Now that we all agree you have no chance, are you really that big a glutton for punishment? Do you honestly think the base is going to say in 2016: “Hey, what about that Huntsman guy?” Come on, you’re smarter than that. Your ass has already been handed to you. Now get that ass out of there.
Newt Gingrich- your campaign is dead. Your expiration date was in the 1990s. You’re trying to run for the nomination of a party that pretends to care about family values, yet you’re on what- wife number three? A wife that you had to give over $200K in jewelry from Tiffany’s? What the hell did you do, anyway? I can’t say I like this wife, I know there’s plenty of time to roll out wife number four but really, you’ll be about as faithful to her as to your principles. Remember saying that Obama needs to step in and help the Libyan rebels and then when he actually took action, you were wondering why he did it and that you sure as hell never would have. Look, trickle down economics had its chance- many times over. You’ve had your political life- a generation ago. Time to get out.
Rick Perry- your campaign is dead. I think I’ll miss you most of all. Look, your campaign has already done the impossible, namely prove that George W. Bush wasn’t the biggest imbecile ever to govern Texas. That was truly impressive. But come on, if you actually got elected, Leno and Letterman could lay off their writers since the jokes would more or less write themselves. We can’t afford to lose their jobs in this economy. For their sake, please please get out NOW.
Herman Cain- your campaign is dead. Yes, there may be a few more blacks in the Republican Party than in the KKK. A few, perhaps. Your campaign has been a blow for racial equality, you’ve proven conclusively that a black can be just as much an ignorant blowhard as any white. Of course, Alan Keyes already demonstrated this. And what a virtuous fellow you must be, never having done any wrong to anyone in your life. And I have to admit, at least your indiscretions weren’t with prepubescent boys. You’re not anywhere in Jerry Sandusky’s league- but you are a hopeless horndog. One woman, well I might believe it’s just a case of “He Said, She Said”. But four women? At least the sex scandal took everyone’s eye off your “NINENINENINE” plan. Good thing, because that plan hasn’t aged well. Maybe you kicked some ass in the Sims with it, but plans that raise the burden on the poor and lower them on the wealthy aren’t going to be a great thing to run on. I admit it, I like your pizza. But you’re something else entirely. Get out.
Mitt Romney- you win. Not that congratulations are in order. It’s like you all lined up for the 100m race, the pistol goes off, you fall down and everyone else sprints backwards. A great victory, it is not. Now we all know you’ve sold your soul to the devil in order to get this nomination and that there is only one thing that you truly believe in and that is that you should be president. The only trouble is, Satan kept his receipt. He wants to return your soul. Apparently it was defective. So go ahead, live your fantasy and get on that podium with a packed convention hall. Enjoy the euphoria while it lasts. But do us a favor- when you get your ass kicked by Obama in 2012, just go away. Don’t run in 2016. Don’t become a political analyst for a network. Just enjoy those grandkids and lay on the beach. Losing won’t be the worst thing that can happen to you.