Inside The Romney Death Star

“This state appears to be promising.  The android used to inhabit the region.  The tallest forms of vegetation are of the correct height.  Let us beam him down.”

 

“Not ready yet.  His body is rejecting the denim garment on the lower part of his body.”

“Did you put the business suit pants underneath the denim like he wanted?”

 

“Yes but it still does not fit.  His circuits are not programmed for denim.  The earthlings think he is going to a costume party.”

 

“Never mind the wardrobe.  Have the Death Star attack rays had effect on the earthlings in Michigan?”

 

“Not yet.  The Florida earthlings were quickly subdued by the electromagnetic radiation, the ones in Michigan are showing what appears to be immunity yet the radiation bombardment continues at saturation levels.”

 

“Perhaps we need to rethink using this android model in our quest for galactic domination.  The earthlings do not want to follow him, even his quadruped companion animal despises him.”

 

“It was your fault for not researching the care of quadrupeds before we left Zoltar.  Still this android specimen is expendable.  If we cannot subdue Earth using him we can simply discard and build another like we did with the previous model.”

 

“Should we build it with an extreme rightward lean like this one or a slight left tilt like the previous model?”

 

“Like we do for all versions of this android, we need to research what the earthlings want before we program the politics module and set the moral compass.”

 

“Moral compass?  We forgot to install it in this model!  I have discovered the problem.”

 

“Oh, fecal matter on pointed wooden appartus!  Our plans for galactic conquest are ruined!”

 

  In The Basement of Gingrich Headquarters

 

“I don’t know if we can save Newt of Gingrich.  That damn Romney Death Star over Florida nearly melted him to nothing.”

 

“Newt could stand a little melting, if you ask me.”

 

“But it has affected his cerebral cortex. Even the Tea Party doesn’t believe what he says.  Balance the budget and undertake the most massive space exploration project in human history?  Give me a break.”

 

“Newt isn’t wrong!  I’d offer a million dollar prize to company that builds a moon colony first!”

 

“It would cost them billions, you stupid, stupid, grotesquely fat monstrous oaf!”

 

“Tea Partiers don’t know any better.  I fooled them!”

 

“Oh, sure you did.  Just like you made millions giving history lessons to Freddie Mac.  Look, you fat toad, it would help a lot if you actually were intelligent and not just a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like.”

 

“You hurt Newt- just like Romney hurt Newt!  Newt’s mad!  Maybe it’s time for Newt to get new wife?”

 

“You aren’t due for a wife change for another fifteen years.  Look, we can’t afford to feed you anymore.  We can’t afford to move you around the country saying things that not even you believe.  Every day that you stay fighting means the Death Star gets all the stronger.  Only one man can beat Darth Romney- Rick Of The American Inquisition.”

 

“I didn’t expect Rick Of The American Inquisition.”

 

“You never expect The American Inquisition.  The point is, you’re finished!  You’re dead, Darth Romney killed you!”

 

“It’s just a flesh wound!”

 

“You’ve got no arms, you silly cretin!”

 

“I’ll kick him to death!”

 

“You’ve got no legs, either, you idiot!”

 

“Bring him to me, I’ll bite him!  Gum him right up, I will…..”

 

 In The Crypt of a Cathedral In Pennsylvania 

 

“Bwah ha ha ha!  Brilliant!  My plan was brilliant!   Transplanting a 17^th century brain into the body of a 21^st century man!  Brilliant!  We knew those graves in Old Salem would bear fruit!”

 

“Shhh!   Let it rest!  We’re not sure how long this transplant will last.”

 

“It just has to live until November.  We knew that the American Right was nothing more than the old Puritan in modern dress!   They eat this shit right up!”

 

“Obama’s not one of us!  He’s a…. a Muslim!  Who goes to a radical Christian church…..”

 

“See?  You woke it up!”

 

“No, he’s just talking in his sleep.”

 

“Must support Israel… Israel can do no wrong….Weak on terror…..Apology Tour… supports…supports…can’t say the “C” word…”

 

“Contraception?”

 

“Yes… yes… yes…. Sex is bad….very very bad…..only married people should have sex…. Reluctant sex…. After church…. Resulting in seven children… He’s a… a… Muslim….Wants to raise taxes…. Raise taxes….grrrrrrrrr….. Stimulus didn’t create jobs…. Government can’t create jobs….. When I’m president, I’ll create jobs…. By cutting taxes…. On…. On…(heavenly choir joins in).Job Creators (exit heavenly choir)…. Got to…got to…..cu….cut t….taxes…….”

 

“He’s still asleep.  Sometimes I wonder if this stale shit’s going to sell.  Well, maybe to 10% of the people.”

 

“That’s all we need.  Those 10% VOTE, damn it!  Once we get him elected, he’ll pick the Supreme Court… we’ll need to make more zombies.  Then we’ll have it… a Zombie Christian Theocracy!” 

 

  Inside a Small Tent In Texas 

 

“His pressure’s dropping!   Dr. Paul?  DR. PAUL!!.....  More embalming fluid, STAT!”