Even though I support Barack Obama’s re-election, I’ve gotta hand it to Mitt Romney.  That retroactive retirement from Bain Capital while he was governor of Massachusetts was a stroke of genius!  It’s all right, just wave your hand and that troublesome old past of yours can be whisked away!  Instead of making fun of old Mittens, we should be following his example.  I think I’ll start right now… or then… or something.

“Dear Bill Gates:  Enclosed find check for $50,000.  Please invest these funds in Microsoft, retroactive to the day you founded the company.  Then please cut me a check for my share of the corporation.  PS- do not cash my check until I cash yours”

“Dear High School government teacher:  Here is my senior essay, retroactive to 1974.  Please adjust my final grade in your course.”

“Dear parents:  here’s $50 to make up for the gas I burned in your car while I was living at home.  Just take it to the gas station and tell them to give you the price retroactive to when I used the gas.”

“Dear Judge Ito:  Here are some photos of O.J. Simpson in those Bruno Magli shoes that the LA prosecutors didn’t have.   Please introduce these as evidence, retroactive to the 1995 trial.”

“Dear cute co-worker in the dorm cafeteria:  OK, now I get that you had a thing for me.  Let us have all that sex we should have had in college, retroactive 35 years.”

“Dear Ron Washington:  Pull Justin Verlander from the 2012 All Star Game, retroactive to the first batter.”

“Dear 401(k) manager:  Please convert all my holdings to gold, effective December 1999.”

“Dear township police:  I stopped at that stop sign that I missed two years ago.  Please consider that I stopped retroactive to the date of my ticket.”

“Dear Coach Dantonio:  Please tell your players not to run into the punter, retroactive to the last minute of the 2011 Big Ten Championship Game.”

What a perfect system!  .  Mitt Romney, you may not win the election but you’ve shown us the way!  Let’s all live our lives retroactively.  I think I’ll start by ducking my head while mowing under the apple tree, retroactive to June