Anybody who knew me before 2006 has probably wanted to ask me this question: Are you really a lesbian? I don't know how to answer that question adequately without getting into some sort of discussion about things some people probably don't want to know. I'm sure many of my friends were skeptical at first. After all, most of them had known me when I dated guys or had been married. For most of my life, I dated guys. And I was genuinely attracted to them. To a point. But I was also attracted to women. I just didn't admit to that because I wasn't ready. And I don't think the few women I had been attracted to felt the same about me. But I was more attracted to women than I was to men.
Had I admitted to these dual attractions earlier in my life, some may have questioned my sincerity. Some may have even said I was just going through a "phase." But to me, I just thought of it as being attracted to a person and not a particular gender. Attraction for me is mostly about who the person is and how they make me feel. Physical attraction is secondary to me. I never talked to anyone about it. Even now, I think there is still more prejudice and judgement for those who are truly bisexual than for homosexuals. I've certainly heard comments from people about bisexuality that were downright disparaging. Should people instead be asking me "Are you sure you aren't bisexual?" I don't think so.
Alfred Kinsey's scale, for me, provides a better answer to these questions. I think we all have a sexuality that is more often than not, fluid. I think the majority of people do fall on the heterosexual side of the scale, but just how far down? How many heterosexual people are willing to admit that at one point in their life they were attracted to someone of the same sex? I think women are more apt to admit to this than men. I also think our attractions change as we get older and discover more about ourselves and what is important to us. Here is what I can say about myself.
I have loved several men in my life. I saw them as friends, protectors, companions. I was attracted to them on some level, though not enough for their liking I imagine.
I dated men exclusively until I met my partner. The attraction I felt for other women over the years, even when I was dating men, I kept to myself.
When I met my partner, I was stunned by just how strongly I felt about her. I can only describe it as a lightbulb going on over my head. I just KNEW. Whenever we spent time together, I got nervous and giddy and excited. I felt alive for probably the first time in my life. Being with her felt right. Being married to a man felt like trying to wear shoes on the wrong feet.
My partner and I have both talked about how we still sometimes find men attractive. I think that's perfectly normal. Why shouldn't we, as humans, find people of either gender attractive? Does that mean we want to have sex with them? No. I might find Hugh Jackman adorable and sexy, but that doesn't mean I want to hop in bed with him. But some people often have trouble distinguishing between being attracted to someone and wanting to have sex with someone. In my mind, these are two very different matters. And that is why talking about sexuality can be so difficult. For some, it is an uncomfortable discussion. They don't want to discuss sex in such open terms.
I don't know that if I had come out earlier in my life if I could have talked to someone about these issues. There wasn't as much acceptance at that time as there is now. And I don't know how many women are out there, questioning themselves, their marriages, their choices, because they feel like they can't admit to their loved ones that they are indeed a lesbian. I know I'm not alone in coming out this late in life. And that is one of the reasons I wanted to finally talk about this here. If one person is helped by this, that's a good thing.
The smartass in me has a very difficult time not answering the "Are you sure..." question without a little snippiness. I try to just leave it at "Yes, I'm a lesbian." But if someone follows up with "Well, how can you be sure?", I'm left with two options. I can give them the explanation I just gave all of you above, which would take some time because I'm sure there would be more questions. Or I could answer the question in the most blunt and honest manner I can:
Because I want nothing to do with a penis. You can have them.
Any questions?
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Barbara Weicksel
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Comments
But don't knock bisexuality. As Woody Allen said, "It gives you twice as many chances for a date on Saturday night."
But I only have even the remotest twinge of sexual desire for a very narrow range of female types. Gee, it looks like the "range" idea gets my vote, but men and women's sexuality is very different and complicated.
I've never been able to get both my emotional and sexual needs filled by the same one except fleetingly, so what do I know?
(R)ated for an honest examination of a subject that many lie even to themselves about.
Honest post, Lemon. You certainly don't owe anyone an explanation regarding your sexual orientation. Your friends here love you regardless. r
fred - i don't think it's possible for any one person, regardless of gender, to fulfill the emotional and physical needs of another person. that would be an unfair expectation. that's why we have social networks and family. sexuality is different for everyone and it just isn't something that a lot of people seem to be comfortable talking about, at least in this country.
owl - thanks! i hate labels and boxes. unfortunately, that's the kind of culture we live in. humans can't seem to function without putting a label on everything. and you're right. no matter what the age, there is always someone saying that you're questioning isn't "real".
scanner - to each his own, right? who i love doesn't really affect the outside world. if people have a problem with it, it's their problem and their own issues that need to be addressed.
sophieh - all we should be doing is finding the person who makes us feel good and who we feel we can spend our life with. who cares what they have between their legs.
My god, woman! Thank you. You feel for your partner exactly the way I do about my Suzy. It's nice to know another couple can feel love like that... and that "feeling"... trust me, it IS love.
I also had to laugh about your title. My Suzy got asked that a lot in the beginning. Her friends/ex-friends, that knew her from before we met, never believed that she was REALLY queer. They just couldn't grasp that she'd been that way all her life and no one knew. Even her stupid assed family just thought it was a "phase" (mind you it was a 12 year "phase" with two kids that call me Poppi ;~) ) 'Course, as soon as they DID believe, the fundie asshats disowned her and called our kids "abominations"... but that's a whole other story! :eye rolls:
Go figure, though. She was the one of us who had never had sex with a man. I had (not by choice), but she was proudly a virgin when we made love the first time. I guess we are kind of the exceptions. We were both Kinsey 5+'ers. Both of us have/had guy "buddies" (and one of them is still kind of my adopted "dad"), but as for any sexual desire, none at all.
If I ever wanted to tweak Suzy's nose I'd ask her if she'd like to go to bed with a guy, just to try it once, and it ALWAYS generated a major "sucked a sour pickle" face, numerous gagging noises and a DAMN hard punch in the arm!
Yeah, don't you just hate those stealth lesbians! don't worry though, dude... we have her scheduled to get a big 'ol "L" tattooed on her forehead! :~D
Signed,
The Great Lesbian Conspiracy Committee
GLC Motto: Do you know where YOUR woman is tonight? WE do!!!
Bwahahaha!
.
sometimes my partner jokes with me about wanting to have sex with guys, to which i respond by also making gagging noises. we joke about how the other thinks the neighbor across the street is a hottie. mind you, the guy looks like he's pregnant and is a little out there.
I know it must have been hard trying to be a wife to a man when inside your heart was searching for a woman. I will always feel compassion towards my ex-husband because I know he went through the same things. Plus, society's pressure can be intense! And if you lack support from your family, it's easier to cave into what you perceive as "normal."
Well, I'm not normal and none of my wonderful friends are, either. We still love and accept each other because we truly are all we've got. And we want everyone to be happy. Cheers to you for finding what makes you happy! (R)
To me you should have no label.You are a human being.
I understand about the feelings..
Rated with hugs
r~
We are what we are, each one unique.
As love comes a-knockin' only once in a while for this older white gal, I must trust its reality.
And men were and have always been, the ones my heart said, "OMG, it's happened again!" about.
Go figure.
A person's heart/body/mind are private property, not to be purloined by the news media or other outside influence.
You go, girl!
R++++ (my second one today!)
kat - it turned out as well as it could considering the circumstances. societal pressures can sometimes be too much. i don't think in this situation it's easy for either spouse. but it isn't fair to either to stay in a marriage that doesn't work for either person. we all should have the chance for happiness in this lifetime.
joy - i think this world would be a lot better if people spent less time criticizing others for who they love and spend more time just loving people and being good to one another.
pw - i think it is difficult to find someone in this world we can truly love and be with and connect with on multiple levels. why should we limit ourselves to one gender if that doesn't work for us? private matters should be private. but when they are dragged through the political mud, we are forced to make them public so that a true understanding can be reached. sad, but true.
Whether a person is something or other (as if that something or other is able to define the whole of a person, which is essentially a stupid proposition to begin with) is for that person to know and act or not act upon.
I would suggest another answer to the question if I may. You could always counter with a "Why the hell is that your business anyway?"
Well, gee, that clears something up. By that criteria, I'm obviously a lesbian as well!
To Cindy Ross: People don't choose to 'flirt with sexual identity issues' and they don't choose this path. It is who they are, at the very core of their being. They have just been hiding it becuase of reactions like yours. And what about homosexuality or bisexuality gives you the creeps? Why are you imagining them having sex? Do you imagine your heterosexual family members having sex? My advice to you is to just love and support this person no matter what. I was lucky to have a family that did that for me.
Please don't condemn me. I am trying. But lately, the issue is too painfully close for detachment.
Cindy,
Please understand that this is in no way, shape or form a condemnation or attack, K? I only hope to make your understanding of the "family" dynamics work when a person is coming out of the closet.
Bottom line is that they are SCARED SHITLESS! They are terrified that everyone in the world is going to point at them and yell "You dirty, filthy queer!"
I have discussed this with dozens of people , as well as "lived" it in my own life and as part of Suzy's. It is really really scary and, even for the person it often has a very high "ick" factor because it goes against everything they have been taught to believe.
But they still do it because they have no choice in the matter. It is either stay in the closet and let who you are die or step out and take a shot at actually living. It is very, very tough even in the most supportive families.
You have always come across as an open minded, understanding person, so I'd like you to try this: Put yourself in an imaginary "closet" and try to come out.
As one of those "dirty, filthy heteros" in a world of queers, many of whom literally hate you and will tie to to a fence post and torture you to death or drag you behind their pick up truck until you are dead, you are alone and isolated.
All of your queer friend suddenly make a point of ignoring you or even spitting on you as they call you a stinking Het!
Then one day this nice, caring, OPEN MINDED queer chick relative of yours holds out her hand one day and says, "I don't understand, but I love and support you, regardless".
How does that make you feel? Better? More like part of the human race?
Do you feel the power that just one person has over how they perceive themselves?
cindy - amy and artist more or less said what i would have. i think if people thought less about the sexual aspect of relationships, things would be a lot easier. this is an issue about finding someone you love, who loves you, who you are comfortable around, and who you can envision growing old with. speaking from my own experience, telling my family was difficult. they "knew" me as one person and even though they are supportive, i knew this would be difficult. and it didn't go as smoothly as i would have liked with my parents. they love me, they accept me, but my mom said some things that really hurt me and has caused a rift between us. we've tried to move past it, but the words she said will always be etched in my memory. support your family member even if you can't understand them. it's what they need.
Anyway, I want to commend the honesty of your comment, because in the context of a post like this, it's pretty gutsy to put it out there like that.
And for the record, I want to say that it helps to know you through your work here at OS, as well as your comments on posts I've written, for instance. I know you to be a person with a big heart, and a quick mind. So, if a dogpile were to ensue, I hope to be able to deflect some of it . . .
lea - thanks! glad you stopped by.
vanessa - that's a great point. i don't go around asking hetero friends, "are you sure you aren't gay?" and believe me, in the right mood, i probably would respond with "none of your damn business" or something a little more...profane.
jon - thank you . you are more honest than many men on this topic.
connie - well, i imagine there are plenty of hetero women who might say the same thing, but i wouldn't necessarily say they are lesbians:) that's just my own smartass retort to the question!
artist - i think we all come to know ourselves at different times. we shouldn't be pushed into anything one way or another. glad you found a support group that made you feel less alone.
amy - you beat me to this one. i like your explanation and scenario. it is about supporting others when they are dealing with this. one person's support can change everything.
several years before my brother came out, he climbed out the window of the house and ended up on the porch of a friend's house. i was pretty young and just remember how panicked my parents were. i also remember hearing that some pills were involved. several years later, he came out to us. i believe he was scared to tell my parents he was gay. and when he finally did, it was difficult. but my parents said they didn't care and loved him no matter what. he was the first person i told because i knew he'd understand where i was coming from.
i'm glad the comments here have been civil and productive. i won't allow any name calling or personal attacks and don't think we will see it here.
Being a Kinsey 6, I have never countenanced any of this nonsense.
and if a dogpile DOES ensue, I will guanatee that several of the dogs will eternally live with the tip of my doc Marten firmly planted in their asses!
If more people would emulate Cindy by sharing how they truly felt, and were open enough to lay it out there so that it could be discussed respectfully, this world would be a MUCH better place. The goddess help the first asshat that decided to be the first "dog".
Sorry, LP. but I just had to shout that out.
Wow! What a thought.......
That really is pretty sad, isn't it?
Plus, I was a little taken aback by three dykes all being in agreement without a U-Haul truck in sight! :-D
Thank you for this, Lemon. It took some courage to post this but I'm glad people are being open in their comments. There are so many things in this world we must be concerned about--sexual preference and skin color don't even make the list for me.
Rated. D
I think any irreverent intelligent person just doesn't want to belong to any group. I don't think any "sexuality" should suffice as an identity. I just don't.
It sounds like you just found someone who made you happy. I hope we reach a point where it just doesn't matter anymore. As it stands, it titillates a lot of people and lots of low lifes use it as a way to make themselves feel superior. It's a mess. Great post and goodspeed.
They only care whether I'm a good dog or not.
Buffy
Life is a journey and I hope yours is full of happiness.