lemonpulp

lemonpulp
Location
Sacramento, California,
Birthday
February 20
Bio
writing my way to sanity, one post at a time. you can also find me at pulpyprose.com

MY RECENT POSTS

Lemonpulp's Links

Short Fiction
Tales from the Office
Carry Me Swiftly to Salvation
Humor
Musical Musings
Social Commentary
Personal Narrative
Book Stuff
DECEMBER 7, 2010 3:23PM

The Princess and the Taser

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess who had a keen sense of smell. Normally, this sense was a gift. She delighted in the wonderful smells that occupied her kingdom. Fresh roses. Rain. Cookies and brownies baking in the oven. Newly cut basil,… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 30, 2010 10:44PM

Embracing My Inner Nerd

It dawned on me the other day that I've done something terrible, something I never thought I'd do. I shunned my inner nerd. For the last several years, I felt like my nerdiness wasn't wanted or appreciated. Many of the things that made me ME weren't appreciated by others in my… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 26, 2010 12:42PM

Twas the Night of Black Friday (Redux)

Twas the night of Black Friday, and all through the towns

Eager shoppers had hunted for the best bargains around.

They showed up in droves, stood in line before dawn,

To ensure they got deals before they were gone.

 

When the doors opened, they pushed and they shoved.

They

Read full post »
NOVEMBER 21, 2010 10:46PM

Stop Touching the Squirrel's Nuts!

The rain is falling steadily. The leaves are dropping, covering the lawn in a blanket of browns and yellows. The grocery stores are full of turkeys, cranberry sauce, and other fixings. Yes, it must be nearing Thanksgiving. Which means one thing.

Messing with mom's table setting.

squirrels1

See those inn… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 12, 2010 2:54PM

How to Deal with a Know-It-All Windbag

Ah, Friday morning. The day I look forward to each week. Sitting at my desk, enjoying my iced mocha, I began to plan my day. I'd finish up a few projects early, then perhaps start on some new ones in the hopes of pushing my boss along towards putting me in… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 3, 2010 1:58PM

Fish Out of Water

My palms sweat whenever I think about it. My stomach gets all nervous and gurgly. My heart starts pounding so hard, I fear it will explode from my chest. Some look at the prospect of this endeavor with excitement. I look at it with fear and dread. What am I talking… Read full post »

OCTOBER 29, 2010 10:36PM

You CAN Judge a Penis By Its Driver

Aren't we usually taught to not "judge a book by its cover"? As a general rule, I don't. I am, however, human and prone to making generalizations about people when the mood strikes me. Like when someone cuts me off in traffic.

I am NOT an expert on this matter, so… Read full post »

OCTOBER 27, 2010 3:11PM

The Figure in the Choir Loft

There's something about old churches that gives me the creeps. Maybe it's the gargoyles staring down at me. Maybe it's the unknown history of what has gone on inside the walls. I do know that I've been in some churches that have sent icy chills up my spine and set my… Read full post »

OCTOBER 21, 2010 1:16PM

Taking the Bull out of Bullying

Bullying has been a hot topic for awhile now, with good reason. Turn on the tv and there's another tragic story about a kid who committed suicide because of bullying. Open a newspaper, and read about how a group of kids decided to gang up on someone just because he or… Read full post »

OCTOBER 17, 2010 12:08AM

Put. Down. The Count Chocula.

What I'm about to confess here will not show me in a favorable light. I admit to having flaws. There are definitely some character weaknesses I'm not entirely proud of. But one thing, one truly insignificant item in the grand scheme of things, really rankles me. My irritation at the mere… Read full post »

OCTOBER 15, 2010 3:03PM

The Oatmeal Bowl

Work is usually pretty boring for me. I don't have an office full of fun personalities to talk to or hang out with. Other jobs have been great because I worked with fun people who I'm still friends with today. Now? Not so much.

Most days consist of me sitting in… Read full post »

OCTOBER 11, 2010 10:58PM

Ghost Ring

For years, the only ghost ring I had was in my ears. An annoying, ever-present buzzing that kept me from sleeping. Silence was never really truly silence. The ringing was there, taunting me, reminding me that it would never go away. The ringing in my ears is still here but I've… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 11:40PM

Living the Stages of Grief

So, this is what it feels like, having your heart metaphorically ripped out. I've been hurt before. I've had relationships end before. But nothing, NOTHING, has ever felt like this. I thought I was dealing with the end of my relationship fairly well. The breakdowns so far have been minor. I… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 24, 2010 12:58AM

The End

"I need to be honest with you about something," she said.

Here we go, I thought. She's about to blame me for her stress, for not having enough time to read for her exam. Or will it be about how I don't help out enough with parenting stuff, even though I'm… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 22, 2010 12:14PM

Jumping On the Train - 12 Things

Oh, hell, why not! Even though I'll have gone over my personal allotment of posts for this week, I'll play along.

Try not to fall asleep while reading...

1. I used to think there was an invisible shark hiding in our pool, waiting to get me if I stayed underwater too… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 21, 2010 5:17PM

Dream On

It had been another satisfying day at Open Salon. He'd had two of his posts featured in the four-hour feed at the same time, confirming what everyone else already knew: he was a popular writer. Really, who could resist the combination of intelligence, self-deprecating humor, and snarkiness? Yes, it h… Read full post »

When we last left our author, she had been temporarily defeated by her archnemesis, Windows. Exhausted and broken, she dragged her sorry ass to bed and vowed to defeat the evil operating system after some sleep.

Will she get the computer working? Will the kids wake up and ask her if… Read full post »

Author's Note: Because this ended up being SOOOOOO long, I'm splitting it up into two parts. Aren't you lucky.

I've resisted for as long as possible. I don't stay with Windows Vista because I like it. Frankly, I think it sucks. But I don't use it every day. I'm on a… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 17, 2010 6:44PM

The Monster

Her eyes popped open and met complete darkness. Heart racing, for no reason she could discern, she turned her head and looked at the clock. 3:33 am. It must have been a nightmare that woke her up. Fortunately, she couldn't remember it. She threw the covers back and walked to the… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 15, 2010 5:23PM

Musical Musings - I Know Him So Well

I spent the last week with my mom while my dad was in the hospital. To answer the immediate questions, yes, everyone is doing well and on the road to recovery.

My mom and I have similar taste in music...except for the whole Metallica thing. And we love musicals. So,… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 11, 2010 2:51AM

Getting What They Wanted

For days now, I've debated with myself on whether or not to write about my perspective of how 9/11 has changed this country, this world. I've read heartbreaking posts by people who lost loved ones.  I have felt like there is nothing I can add, nothing I can say, that hasn't… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 10, 2010 2:38AM

Starry Night

I don't remember how old I was when it first happened. It was nothing I had planned, nothing I had even practiced. Suddenly, I was just...doing it. It was exhilarating. I remember feeling so free and happy. When it first started, I could never sustain it for very long. And I… Read full post »

Yes, I'm rather late to the game, but I have a good excuse. You see, I came up with my 15 fairly quickly. Sitting down and writing about them? Well, that's another matter altogether. Work has been crazy, though not scream-inducing crazy this time around. I've barely been coherent enough at… Read full post »

AUGUST 31, 2010 4:30PM

The Slow and The Clueless

 

Last year at this time, it was safe to say I was having a mini nervous breakdown. Work was insane, especially with hours cut due to the furloughs imposed upon us by the moronic fiscally-conservative Governator. At the beginning of each semester, it is my job to get all online… Read full post »

AUGUST 25, 2010 10:25PM

Kid Bullshit Detector

I think I've missed my calling in life. Over the last few years, I've really honed my bullshit detector specifically for anyone under the age of 18. I can credit my partner's kids for helping me develop this skill. Early on, I tried to give them both the benefit of the… Read full post »