Lately, I have been contemplating social sites and what people post. Maybe I don’t get the social site etiquette and what is normal behavior for that forum. I’m not inclined to overexpose myself in an online forum. Who am I to judge others if they feel the need to express themselves with photos of their nudity or naked body parts. This body part exposure phenomenon has certainly become prolific enough, regularly viewed and mainstream acceptable.
If the reasoning for such photos is to get in touch with one’s sexuality, I prefer to get in touch with my sexuality in other ways. I know how to touch my sexuality just fine. Nor, am I on a social site to make sexual statements. I get more than enough attention on a particular site by posting fully clothed photos of myself in poses that are not intended to provoke.
I have received photo comments that I will not approve. At work, I took one particular photo of my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Yes, I took cheesy mirror photos because there are so many stereotypes of middle aged women and how they must look at such an advanced age. People that haven’t met me ask me if my photos are recent because I also post my age. I wanted to have an up to the minute default photo on this social site for the incredulous viewer.
With market studies, labels and mass media, people consciously and subconsciously engage in stereotyping daily. One media coined term I take an exception to is, cougar. Now, I’m a cougar if I date a younger man. The man couldn’t possibly want me unless I prowl around in bushes just waiting to attack and pounce on him. He wouldn’t have a chance to save himself from my attack and claws. I am cougar, hear me roar.
Let me tell you about one of my mauled victims and my online cheesy photos, and you can decide who was stalked and mauled. Yes, the man was 28 years of age and very attractive. He was into lifting weights like me and he could actually write grammatically correct sentences and spell. One positive thing about these social sites is that email and chat tell everything about your correspondent’s literacy level.
This man could write and express himself well. He was educated, had a good job in government, and was working on an MBA when he found me online. Although we only met once, I know that he was indeed everything that he claimed because I do a lot of searches and have become experienced at finding information, including info on men who want to meet me. I admit that I was excited to make his acquaintance when he first contacted me. He also wanted to meet me and was really impressed with my photos.
In the photos I am wearing a black top that’s neckline is almost to my neck and covers every inch of torso skin and the top of my jeans. My jeans are not tight. I do not wear makeup and my hair is wash, comb and go. I have come to the conclusion that men see what they want to see when they look at photos of women, and I am mystified by that male filter.
Playboy or Penthouse must be like fast food for some men when they don’t want to think and filter too hard. I like men who are complex enough to see through clothes and the other layers of a woman. This man seemed intelligent and thoughtful enough to want to know me and I enjoyed our initial and tender emails to each other.
Our first contact began when he saw my default photo online and sent me an email to make initial contact, or maybe he sent me a friend request first. I can’t remember now. This interaction occurred back in late summertime last year.
I think I have purposely tried to mentally block details of what transpired between this man and me. For good reason, I am embarrassed about having any kind of prolonged contact with him. I feel like a woman my age should know better about some of the things I did with this man.
I do remember that during last Labor Day weekend he wanted to meet me in person and I was not in the mood. I was exhausted from work and frankly, didn’t even want to socialize with close friends or family let alone muster the energy to meet someone I didn’t know. Putting him off only stoked his desire to meet me.
During the week after Labor Day, he sent me very nice emails that made me even more interested in him. The only problem was that he sent me too many emails. I did not have time to keep up with his emails, and I became scared. The emails that scared me most were the ones sent to inquire if I had received his previous emails.
Much of the time that I received these emails, I was at work talking with clients on the phone, dealing with paperwork, or writing emails to my clients. I needed to do my work and he should have been tending to his work too. One time, I sent my new admirer an email asking if the Maine State government monitored their employees’ email.
We still had not met but we had talked on the phone and also IM chatted. As soon as I logged onto IM, he would contact me. I’m a give me space, lots of space person, and although I have to be honest and say I love male attention, this was a little too much attention for me.
I have ongoing battles with the voice in my head saying, “Come on, no wonder you don’t have a relationship. Give the guy a chance.” Often, I am into the men who act like they can take me or leave me. I’m still trying to figure when the role reversal happened where the man gets to play hard to get and women do all the courting and pursuing.
I have decided that I am not going to jump up and down and try to get a man’s attention if he isn’t very encouraging but at the same time, I don’t want to be run over by a man who is in overdrive pursuit of me. Where is the man with the happy medium desire for me? I’m still wondering why this man who was so into me could not have been sane along with all his other fine attributes.
My online admirer was very persistent and I finally did agree to meet him. Once our meeting was planned, he began asking me what I was going to wear. He appeared to be titillated by imagining my clothing including my underwear. In an email, I subsequently told him that I had not given my garb for our first meeting much thought and asked if I could just surprise him. Meanwhile, he was giving much thought not only to what I would wear but what he would wear too. I humored his clothing obsession as much as I could. I ignored the red flag signaling me.
As I said before, I am embarrassed in this telling, not just because I ignored the red flags waving, but also because of the meeting place that I suggested. He had told me that he wanted to meet somewhere natural where we could walk and talk. For our meeting, I chose a lovely lake that was halfway between where he lived and where I lived. We live about an hour and a half driving distance from each other. I should have chosen a more public place but was trying to be thoughtful. Instead, I was too accommodating to his advantage.
In an email, he wrote that he was going to bring his camera. I still didn’t care what I would be wearing but was definitely not keen on being photographed. I will confess that for our first meeting, I wore another black top that was more revealing but actually not as form fitting as the one online that had initially attracted my admirer’s attention.
I drove to the public beach parking lot where we were to meet. After I waited awhile, I started to think he wasn’t going to show and I was oddly relieved. Unfortunately, I didn’t have to wait much longer before he came mounted on his Harley and driving into the lot. I should know that good looking men on motorcycles are a dangerous attraction and trouble for me. The last time I got fast and furiously involved with a motorcycle riding man, the end result made me a mother.
Now, I was involving myself with another motorcycle man but I wanted to be a lot more careful and not rush anything even though I felt rushed by him. He was as attractive as his photos. Even though my head can be moved by a handsome man, I am a person who is as turned on by the sound of a man’s voice and the way he smells as I am by the way he looks.
I joke that I have to smell the man before I know he’s the one for me. Online liaisons can have great rapport but much is left to the imagination. I would rather meet someone early on than leave too much imagining to go on in my vividly creative and sometimes delusional head. I can be delusional with poor eyesight when I am enamored by a man.
In person, the man I met delivered on his description of himself. At our first meeting, I wondered if he felt the same about me. I hadn’t gotten close enough to smell him yet.
We walked to the lake’s public beach. The beachfront at Bear Pond is beautiful with a view of the sunset. We were there just in time to watch the sun disappear behind the trees and mountains on the other side of the lake.
I brought my beach blanket and spread it out for us to sit on so we could get comfortable and talk. We didn’t get to talk much before his hands were on me. I did want to be touched by a man. I did want to be touched by this man.
The time had been too long since I was in a man’s arms and I just wanted to be held. I felt like I needed to break my self-imposed man fast but I did not want to go from starvation to binging. Sadly, the man I was with wanted to make me a quickly gobbled feast.
He began kissing me and he kissed expertly and tasted good. I wanted to continue kissing and had to keep his hands from going up my loose blouse. He was on top of me and pushing himself against me and that felt good too.
My brain was warring with pleasurable sensation while I began to push him off me. I lost count of how many times we went through the exercise of me fending him away while I tried to have a conversation, and him getting me back into the vulnerable position that made me feel too good. Stop, no, and pacing oneself were not reasonable words or ideas for my new friend. Finally, I had to get very mad for him to understand that I did not want to get this heavily sexual on our first meeting.
I forced myself to standup and get away from him. My words were delivered in a loud tone. He stood too, and was trying to convince me to stay. I grabbed my blanket and began to hurriedly walk down the beach and back to my car.
He followed me and asked me to slow down. He did not like my anger and told me so, and he wanted me to hold hands with him as we walked. I was still angry but tried to slow down and I did take his hand.
I can not remember what we said to each other because I was still angry and just wanted to get to my car and drive away. I was not just angry at him. I was angry with myself for not meeting in a more public place where I would not have been in such a compromised and uncomfortable position.
After a brief and abrupt verbal exchange by our vehicles, I did get in my car and drive away. I drove myself to a pub and ordered myself red wine and a chicken Caesar salad. All that groping and anger made me hungry and in need of sedation.
While I was at the bar, I had a conversation with a young man who tried to pick me up. I was inebriated and entertaining myself by talking to anyone who sat next to me at the bar. I went home alone.
The next day, I checked the voice messages on my cell phone. The only message was from a young physicist who had also seen my photo online and wanted to get together for drinks. I wished I hadn’t missed the opportunity for a real first date with someone who actually wanted to have a substantial conversation before any grope sessions.
My tempting and disasterous meeting happened on a Friday evening and I did not get through the weekend before my groping admirer initiated an IM with me. When we had been on the beach, he had taken photos of me. Now, during our IM session, he told me he wanted to send a CD of the photos by regular mail because the photos were too many megabytes to attach in an email.
I told him to photo share instead. I wasn’t going to give him my address. He did send the photos to me online. He knew how to photo share on IM.
He also wanted to share more than just photos of me. He was very turned on and obsessed about my breasts and I was partially amused by his obsession. His obsession with how wonderful my breasts were, was more his imagination than what he had seen or felt. He had actually lightened one of the photos of me so that he could see my erect nipples showing through my blouse. He told me my breasts were perfect.
He wanted me to send him a photo of my breasts. I had no desire to send him my breasts. He also felt the need to photo share his penis. I clicked the decline button on photo share when he sent me the image file of his penis.
I was relieved that when he attempted to send me his penis that I only saw the file name on screen and not a thumbnail image of his penis. He wanted to meet me at a gym to workout but promised me that he would not be able to keep his hands off me. I told him I did not want to meet at a gym.
This IM session was not the last IM from him or the last IM that he tried to send me his penis. With each successive IM, he became more insistent on sending me his penis as if showing me his penis would make me want him more. I kept declining his penis.
The IM’s from him became more suggestive and he told me he masturbated to the photographs of me. He would start IM’s with innocent introductions that made me think he understood that I did not want his penis sent to me or have sex chat. He thought he was clever in luring me into the chat by discussing working out or other nonsexual interests we had in common.
I was still hoping that he would be the person of our initial email exchanges that had been intriguing, romantic, and respectful. I finally faced the reality that he was on a much different mission and only wanted my breasts and sex. I am not visually turned on by the disembodied body parts of people that I barely know but he seemed to get easily sexually aroused by any suggestion of strangers’ disembodied body parts.
In one of our last IM sessions, he tried to send me his penis again, and this time, his penis appeared on screen as a thumbnail. Yes, I did look closer and like his kisses, his penis seemed very promising. How sad that this disembodied and extremely attractive penis was attached to an obsessive man.
Once again, I declined his penis. I gave my persistent pursuer too many opportunities to communicate but no chance for him to have my breasts online or in person. He finally waned in his persistence and disappeared until just this past week.
He started to IM me again. He has sent me IM messages for the last 3 days now. As usual, he starts his IM’s innocently. This time, I am not even nibbling on the bait by answering his IM’s. My breasts and I are not responding at all, and we are wondering why we haven’t permanently blocked him and his penis yet.