Where I prattle on...

Leonde Delmare

Leonde Delmare
Sticks, Maine, US
February 22
Iron Works
I was born in Philadelphia but not sure where I will die. Everything that has happened in between is history.


APRIL 28, 2010 7:28AM


Rate: 24 Flag

I'm alone and probably the best place to be on this rainy, reject day that I didn't want to wake and be conscious. Everything is bleak. I let the woodstove burn down last night and my furnace is dead. Maine refuses to give way to spring.

The one day I need sun to give me hope in life the weather will not cooperate. I should go to the gym or to my office. Maybe I should book a flight to Florida. My heart hurts. My head hurts.

For years, I watched my mother leave me. I have been betrayed by my mother in so many ways, subtle and not so subtle in my face. My mother has lived a sad life. I know I have already forgiven her and now I am profoundly sad for her.

She has suffered greatly. I want her to die. I don't want her to die. I want her to stop severely hurting mentally and physically. My mother has been a hypochondriac who took to her bed when I was still in grade school. She spent so many years preoccupied with pills and operations that imagined ills gave way to real illness and encroaching death.

Unfortunately, now death is only hovering and encroaching in the most excruciating and prolonged painful way. Sickness and pain have been my mother's constant companions for more years than I want to think about right now in this dark room.

For years, she wanted to leave. She wanted to escape but instead she has languished away in an angry and consuming misery that has attracted disease and death. She has suffered for her inertia and lack of resolve. Who can judge another life or a life that has had too much pay back for petty cruelty and spite?

Maybe my mother should not have been a mother. Maybe my mother's ability to love atrophied even faster than her body. Maybe my mother should have made better choices and acted instead of laying her body down to die way before its time.

Now my mother's body has been rotting for years and crippled by severe rheumatoid arthritis. My mother became a prisoner of her body. Her body betrayed her despite her preoccupation in taking it to many doctors with expertise in the ways of attentive procedures, operations and pills. Even though my mother's body has been a source of entrapment and pain, she has persisted and continued to exist.

Her body continues to betray her. She had a stroke a month ago. Although her doctors implanted a pacemaker, her tired, worn out heart refused to march to the beat set. Her stomach no longer wants food. Her spine breaks. Her body bruises to the touch.

Today, the doctors are amputating my mother's leg. How much more can her body endure? What will be the end of  this sad day?

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Oh wow, Leonde. I had no idea about this. This is very similar to the story of my own mother, who got rheumatoid arthritis when she was 35, and whose body deteriorated continuously from that point on until she died at 50. By that time she had two artificial knees, was mostly wheelchair-bound, and was in constant excruciating pain.

I am thinking of both you and your mom, Leonde.
This is a hard day. I will be sending you and your mother healing thoughts. Hang in there and look for something good.
My heart goes out to you.
I wish both you and your mother freedom from suffering.
Leonde - I'm glad you're writing about this - push the pain out into your writing. I wish you and your mom both peace.
Leonde, we have missed you, I have missed you. I am so sorry you are now in this place of pain and darkness, so succinctly felt in this piece. That you have forgiven and are able to give her some solace is a huge thing. Treat yourself gently today.
How sad for her and for her loved ones. My heart aches.
You speak the truth when you say not everyone was meant to be a mother. Your mother however gave birth to you and perhaps therein
lies the reason. Best to both you and her.
You are here in this painful moment, but sometimes the moments do not linger. I wish the Maine spring for you. A walk down the rocky beach with wet sand and stiff wind, all to blow away this painfilled moment. Rated.
Thinking of you and your mother...what a horrible thing to go through, all of it, for both of you.
prayers? damn Mary. Really sad..
How hard. I'm sorry.
What a weight on you, Mary. I'm sorry you and your mother are suffering. This post drips with pain. Whatever you see as the best outcome, my wish for you is that your wish comes true.
Love to all - thank you so much for all of your kind and tender words. My mother could not be operated on this morning because of the blood thinner medication she has been taking. They have been giving her vitamin K and are going to try to do the operation tonight. I haven't gotten a chance to talk with her but her attending nurse wrote on a board that I called and I love her. Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers so much appreciated. I don't feel quite so alone. Much love to you all.
My thoughts and prayers to you and Mom. I've come to learn that some of these hard days just do not pass.
Peace, Strength and love.
I am overwhelmed. I hope for the good outcome that might exist, the least pain and suffering, and ease to your personal and harrowing ordeal. {{hugs}} to you.
This really struck home for me. My body is leaving on a jet plane but all the pain is staying with me. Everyday is worse than the one before. I'm so sorry your Mother has to suffer like this. It not an easy thing to do. Great Post!
Oh, Leonde, this is full of such pain! Peace to your mother and to you.
Thanks again to everyone for kind and loving thoughts and prayers. If you can continue good thoughts and prayers today, I would much appreciate. Today is sunny and I am going to get my poor, sad, wallowing head and body out of the house. I wore myself out with my thoughts yesterday only to be told last night that a nurse had given my mother applesauce with medication and they couldn't operate? Crazy?! Torture, inept, now the operation is this afternoon. I got a phone call from my brother-in-law this morning at 7am. I ran to the phone thinking, Oh NO...this call is coming too early in the morning and I recognized the number on caller ID. Turns out his cell pocket-dialed me...sigh of major relief. I have to get my ass and head out of the house. I hope everyone who stops by here has a great and happy day. Be kind to one another - we are only here for a short while...not just short time on OS, but in life definitely brief so make this life a good trip. Life is challenging enough and everyone wants and needs acceptance and love. Wishing all of you love and happiness. Thanks again and Be well!
Oh, my heart aches for you. I am sending healing thoughts and love to Maine._r
Once again, all those who took the time to comment here, thanks. My mother is still alive. She had an extremely rough time especially over the weekend but last night I was heartened that she was doing better and had gotten up. I hear hope in her voice and that gives me hope that she will be able to live a little while longer. I do realize my mother is almost 82 but if she has the will and courage to live despite her suffering, I am certainly praying for her to continue on and be with us awhile longer. Thank you again for all your kind thoughts and prayers.