My daughter has moved to North Carolina and I miss her. My mother is being killed by medical "professionals" faster than she can die. I am a Realtor who has not sold a house in almost a year. I think it's time to think positive.
No, seriously, I have to put on a happy face because a member of my family is disowning me if I do not. Oops, too late! I wasn't happy enough. "No, sorry, no chance for you if you aren't happy around me" - from my family member espousing the power of positive thinking.
Oh well, what can I do? I have faced the fact that you can not make people love you and accept you just the way you are today. I can be a weak and flawed human. I'm not doing well on this pop psych positive jag.
The other day I forced myself to the gym. I was so down after a real estate contract fell through, the ongoing sorrow of my mother's condition and the burden of mounting disappointments that seem to keep piling on, that for the first time ever, I cried through at least half my workout.
Even working out could not boost me. I wanted wine to take the edge off but by the time I was ready to have some wine most places had rolled their carpet for the night. The world closes early in the sticks of Maine and you are left driving alone and thirsty in the dark.
I guess there is always hope. I haven't stopped loving or accepting my family member although I am not acceptable to her. In the last week or so, I realized that we were raised in a family where I was always the one voted most likely to be disowned.
I was the different one. I was the one who cried. I was the one who left home and went wild and crazy in Philadelphia. I had the baby without the marriage.
None of us totally escape the way we were parented. We subconsciously carry views into adulthood about our siblings and ourselves. I believed I was the bad daughter for years and now I see that obviously the bad label has stuck on me for more than just my parents.
When I go to business seminars or social functions where we have to wear labels, I do not even want a name tag. I pull tags and labels off. I am not a static being. I am more than a happy face. I am more than this sadness and loss.
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I heart that.
Also "I pull tags and labels off"
But that does not doom you to sadness. Be happy being who you are. A lot of us think highly of that person.
My mother has always criticized me for not being "happy" enough and for not being the daughter she wanted. She likes bubbly people, phony people in my book. I so understand where you are right now.
Hope you find strength to deal with your Mother's illness. PM me any time you want if need be.
Brian - you have always been supportive. Thanks.
Gabby - my mother is dying a horrible prolonged death. I talk to my father every day on the phone. They live far away. I can not afford to be with my mother because of my financial situation. These are challenging issues and part of my circumstance right now. As I said, I am not a static being. I promise you tomorrow when I go on a first date I will have my happy face on and genuinely enjoy myself but life has real sadness too. I'm not normally an unhappy person...my sister has just disowned me...somehow, this is not cause for celebration for me... There are happy blogs that I have posted here - numerous ones and upbeat ones that got on other people's nerves on OS - also blogs where I praise my sister and am thankful for her and think she is the closest person in the world to me... Sometimes the happy face just doesn't cut it...