I'm at one of those pivotal points in life and feeling like I could go up or down. I know I should be thinking that I had a googling epiphany this morning but I am having evil thoughts after reading the results of a random google. My evil thoughts are hateful and angry.
I'm trying to be philosophical about the google results but I'm not sure I am succeeding. After reading the top results, I decided to make coffee and color my hair. I proceeded to put step 3, the conditioner into step 1, the developer.
As I began to apply the mixture to my hair roots, I wondered why the mixture had not changed from creamy white to reddish brown creme. I realized that I had not added step 2, the color. I was thinking too hard about my misadventure in googling and not on my one cosmetic vice.
Once I discovered my mistake, I added the color to the mess I had already mixed. I'll let you know if my not following directions is a total disaster. I'm still wearing step 3, 1, 2 as I type. I guess it could have been worse, I might have added the conditioner to my coffee.
I got the coffee right. The coffee is helping. I have been making coffee since my first college days. I never drank coffee, smoked cigarettes or pot or had sex until I went to college. I left home unprepared.
The education I got the first time around in college was not in the classrooms of this small North Jersey university in 1975. I left my parent's house a very shy girl who wanted to be loved. In my parent's home, I was raised to think I might be loved if I took care of, and did things for everyone else before myself.
A lot of other things happened in my parents house but I look back now and those times are truly a previous incarnation. I should look at those first college years as another incarnation too and I usually do think of those years as left behind in the previous century. I am not sure what possessed me to google the name I did this morning.
You know how when your brain is working in overdrive and so many thoughts, impulses and inclinations are vying for attention. You are thinking of what you have to do for the day as much as all those random thoughts that make you think you are a little or maybe a lot crazy. Then from the depths, that memory that you thought you forgot or don't even care to dredge from the deep comes floating to the surface.
For a minute, I had to remember his full name. I was just a bit curious to find out whatever happened to Andy. Andy was the boy who came around to see me when he wanted to get laid. Andy was the boy who knew I was lovesick over him. Andy used that lovesickness to his advantage and had me write his papers for him. Eventually, when I was no longer useful or I began to expect some reciprocation, Andy discarded me.
I should have been writing my own papers and concentrating on my studies. I wish I could travel in time and go back to that time and give my younger self a good talking to but then my future would be different. I might not have ended in Philly and met my daughter's father while going to Temple University. I might not have had my daughter that makes my life worth living.
I wish I had learned my lesson of doing too much for others and not enough for myself with Andy but I am still finding myself in that role. Some people are appreciative and some people you can never satisfy. I need to know the difference and when I should be looking out for myself first.
Maybe that is why googling Andy is a good thing and a reminder to stop putting myself at the bottom of every pile and priority. I googled Andy this morning and discovered that Andy went on to a prestigious law school. One of my first evil thoughts was, "I wonder who wrote his papers in law school."
After law school, Andy started a concession business that caught on and became a multi-million dollar franchise. I began to have more evil thoughts. I wondered how many employees, business associates and others, he stepped over, used and stole ideas from in order to be a success and make money.
Andy also has another company franchise of boutique and artisan jewelry. As I write about Andy, I am not as angry or evil thinking as I first was feeling this morning. I know I don't need to be as wealthy as Andy to be happy. I know that I still want to be loved more than anything else but living is currently tough for me.
I am working two jobs. One of the jobs is selling real estate in a very challenging market and the buyers and sellers can get a little crazy and very demanding. If I don't sell a house, I don't get paid. I haven't sold a house in over a year. I have done a lot of work to attempt to sell a house and finally do have two houses under contract. I hope the contracts hold together for my clients and me.
I feel guilty for even taking the time to write this confession of my evil thoughts and google epiphany. I should be doing so many other things. I have enough work ahead of me and things waiting for my time and attention that I wish I never had to sleep. I haven't been to the gym for two weeks and that is when I start getting insane. Working out is more for my sanity than my physical health these days.
I don't need to be a millionaire like Andy to be happy. I just want enough time and money to buy a new furnace, get my winter car fixed, put a new roof on the farm and get to Florida to see my mother before she dies. I would also like the time to visit my daughter who has moved to North Carolina.
I have dreams. My dreams aren't big multi-millionaire dreams. I dream of my farm not being so broke down. I dream of being able to afford a nice wedding for my daughter. I dream of opening an internet cafe. I don't need a chain of cafes. I will be happy with one little cafe where my customers are all the people I get the pleasure to know by name.
Before I even thought of Andy, for the last couple months, I have been thinking that something has to change. I need to change the order of my life. I have no one to look after me but me. No one else cares if I don't have heat this winter or my roof leaks.
Maybe I needed to dredge Andy from the depths of my overburdened mind and google the devil to realize that I do have dreams like that 1970's girl that foolishly did not look after her own best interests. I have to find the shortest route from dreams to reality and along my way, make sure I reserve looking out for others who truly deserve my valuable time and attention.