I know it's not consistent with the zeitgeist to say one can choose one's sexual orientation. People with whom I associate, who fight with me for equal rights for LGBT Americans, often get ruffled when I say I don't believe we are all "born this way."

I tend to believe what I read of Kinsey and Freud, both of whom claimed that we are essentially bisexual, by and large, that most of us have at least some small middle-of-the-road propensities in this regard. I'm certainly a member of the gray area between exclusively homosexual and exclusively heterosexual. Interesting work done in recent years about gender and sexuality by such researchers as Joan Roughgarden and Lisa Diamond suggest that not only are sexuality and gender identity based at least in part on environment, the studies also put forward the idea that they are not immutable. People and other animals DO shift in selecting their objects of attraction. This throws a lot of water on the notion that we homosexual folk are all born one way and never change.

That makes sense if you look at what we know about complex behaviors like mating. If you look at addiction, for example, a lot of research has gone into trying to prove that addiction is mostly a genetic feature, but a lot of actual shaping behavior must go into even beginning to use a particular drug. Forgive me for comparing homosexuality to addiction, but the parallel is clear. Virtually no complex behavior is thought to be 100% genetic. Some percentage of these behaviors are affected by environmental influences. If a behavior is rewarded in some way, ties to that behavior are strengthened.

I think it's even counterproductive to lean on this old story. If this "condition" of homosexuality is entirely genetic, people who oppose LGBT people as a class have impetus to try to find a way to genetically alter or otherwise cure the "disease." In truth, the argument should be whether Americans of all stripes should have the right to choose their own lives. Blocking Americans' right to choose is antithetical to how we perceive the "American" way. We all believe--perhaps to a fault--that we have the right to pursue our own happiness.

Some people have argued that they would not have chosen this miserable LGBT life had they been given the choice, but that presumes there are no benefits. I have put it to several men like this: "Is your life so unhappy that you cannot think of ONE or TWO benefits you have over heterosexual couples? If you were really that miserable, would you continue to live the way you do?"

The truth is that there are some benefits. When my personality didn't lend itself to traditional heterosexual pairings, and I felt largely excluded from them, I found acceptance and love among women. Because I believe in equality in relationships, I benefit from a much more egalitarian relationship with my spouse. There is no one person who wears the pants in the family; in fact, we both wear pants, literally and metaphorically. I like the fact that my spouse knows her way around my body as well as she knows her way around her own. I like that we can communicate in ways that women are more comfortable utilizing; emotions are shared and discussed rather than withheld and drowned.

I have had friendships and a few relationships with men. I have been put on a pedestal, and that was truly uncomfortable. I wanted to be understood and loved for who I truly am. I have been treated as a second class citizen by being forced to be the passenger of a vehicle while the man drove for fear of what others would think should they see me driving rather than the man. I have been shut down and belittled by men. I don't have any of those problems now. I am known for exactly who I am, and I am loved on that basis alone.

This is not to say that heterosexual relationships cannot share a similar bond, but it is not as common as one might think. It takes work and commitment on both sides to draw the boundaries differently. And I never found anyone of the male persuasion who was willing to do those things to build an honest and open relationship with me.

So I chose my spouse, setting aside all men, because I wanted to, because it benefits me in some very fundamental ways. Should this relationship come to an end unexpectedly, someday, if I can bring myself to move on, I would choose another woman, in spite of my attraction to both sexes. It's a wonderful life, and it's one I freely chose.