If I want to get to heaven

I have to walk away from hell
NOVEMBER 18, 2014 3:41PM

Longing and hope.

It's hard to explain what it feels like to not have had a parent who cared about you and the longing you have for it all your life. Maybe the closest you can come to describing it is to say it's probably similar to having a parent die and then you… Read full post »

A note from our friend Matt Paust who is still locked out of OS: 


"Dear Friends: Nope, Emmerling didn't scare me off with his assault on my aging ego, nor did DeNuccio with his big damned words and his open field tackling talent. Nope. It was typical old… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 2, 2014 10:22AM



For as long as I can remember my depression worsens around my birthday. Hating my birthday started as a child, getting excited about it is setting myself up for disappointment. It’s in October and as an adult I try not to tell my friends when it is. Part of… Read full post »

OCTOBER 17, 2014 12:19PM

kitd's Open Call: 5 Things I Love to Do

First I want to thank kitd for the Open Call "5 Things I Love to Do." It has been dark in the larger world, and parts of OS have been mirroring some of my family dynamics. I had another bad dream last night about my youngest (huge sigh here). I miss… Read full post »

This is a somewhat cleaned up repost from 2010. It's a reflection on some unpleasant, but hilariously funny events, from not so long ago.


Remember I don't write fiction, I have crazy to work through. Enjoy some of my crazy...


I went to… Read full post »

I have been thinking about what I thought I’d see in response to Delia Yeager’s Open Call “Speak to us of Courage.” I was a little surprised there were no posts about someone gay coming out to their religious family, or someone who had an interracial marriage who told a racist… Read full post »

I’d like to thank Delia Yeager for her Open Call “Speak to us of Courage.” Courage is something I’m all too familiar with. It has not been my own choice to have opportunities to be brave, except that the other choice was either to remain in suffering or to die.

&nb… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 28, 2014 11:06AM

Days like this


Days like this remind me of home, and bring back clear memories of misty mountains that tower mystically above a sea of fog. A morning sky that’s grey and drizzling, turning dry lawns and shrubs a thousand shades of brilliant green. Leaves in gold and orange are not yet a… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 1, 2014 11:28AM

A strange and terrifying nightmare

I had one of those nightmares last night, and it got stranger and stranger. I walked into my bedroom and water was pouring out of the skylight (there is no skylight in my room) so I cranked the casement style handle thinking it needed to be opened and resealed. When I… Read full post »


Remember when we called them Policemen as if it was one word? Back when you were little and they were imposing figures to be feared in your life. Or maybe that wasn’t the image your parents created for you. Anyway, the police officer was one of the good guys… Read full post »

AUGUST 24, 2014 2:03PM


My parents and extended family blamed me for 40 years because I ran away from home at 15. Since everyone blamed me, I learned I was bad. One day my mom was furiously ranting at me about it during family therapy, then turned to tell the therapist what a bad… Read full post »
MARCH 15, 2014 4:56PM

To be understood is profound.

A longtime OS friend resurrected a long ago PM I sent him and put it in a fb comment. In the PM, I was responding to his compliments on my writing, and also explaining why I didn’t want to improve my writing or take it up as a profession. In reading… Read full post »

During The Great OS Account Deletion of 2013 I lost my secret (not allowed under TOS) avatar L'Heure Bleue 2. I wrote and asked to have it restored but I didn't know the correct email address and this account was restored (again). Sigh, R.I.P. Bleue 2 and whatever sorrows you wroteRead full post »

AUGUST 30, 2013 11:25PM

Things I wish I'd said

It's been a rough few weeks. Again, I'm forcing myself to not detach from everyone. I started reading a novel my mom had when all I had left was two heavy books. The character had a loving supportive family when her crisis occured. Seriously? I couldn't get the one where the… Read full post »

AUGUST 11, 2013 11:55PM

My first painting and 4 years on OS


I missed my 4 year OS Anniversary but with good reason, little Kamal was here for almost a week while her parents were in Vegas. I left my first comment on July 29, 2009 and have no idea how long I was lurking before I registered but the reading was… Read full post »

JULY 11, 2013 3:04AM


Sometimes, like on Monday sitting outside The Paper Cottage, I see a couple walking, heads tilted toward each other while they talk, and I remember when we used to talk while walking. Like best friends. Then as their arms were gently swinging, I saw him take her hand without looking down,… Read full post »

JULY 6, 2013 8:12PM

Dirty word or dirty mindset?


Some words have useful as well as toxic meanings, they’re not dirty words but in some minds the word labels another as inferior and that’s dirty. Some of them become so dirty that I've heard people say “I don’t want to call myself a …” because we have been… Read full post »

JULY 2, 2013 5:51PM

Leaving the nest

Last September I pried myself out of my lovely little nest and moved in with mom. She refused to take the master suite after dad died and stayed in her own rooms. We may be rattling around in this big place and I have plenty of room, but still, I am… Read full post »

Frank, your response to me on Kate's post was particularly filthy. I refuse to let you shame me or blame me, I am not the perp here. You are a perp here, by what you wrote, you damage those who are not yet survivors. You help keep victims of abuse as… Read full post »

MAY 12, 2013 4:17PM

Drawing Women


Last summer I needed to heal a broken heart and work through feelings that came up during my father's final illness and death. So I took an art class at the local Senior Center. I didn't know I needed to bring supplies. It wasn't a formal instruction, more of a… Read full post »

MAY 7, 2013 2:59PM

Letting go

2f Robert Doris Redwood City 1957 

I lost my father five decades ago. I vaguely remember a man who seemed to love me very much. I have memories of him dancing with me, my right arm extended with small legs dangling as he sang songs in English, French and Italian. He used to make up stories… Read full post »

I wrote this almost two years ago and each comment was incredibly pleasing to me. People are remarkable and fascinating to me. Often I wonder if we all even see the same colors. Does food taste the same to us all and if so, shouldn't I like eggplant? I've never met… Read full post »

“We should do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living. It is a fact today that one in ten thousand of us can make a technological breakthrough capable of supporting all the rest. The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of… Read full post »

I know what a lot of things feel like, feelings I wish I didn’t know. I know what it feels like to be suicidal. I know what it feels like to build up the resolve and feel the relief of thinking I was killing myself. I know what it feels like… Read full post »


La cage aux folles literally translates into the cage of madwomen, but commonly it means birds of a feather. This is a true story of crazy parakeets in one cage.


Long ago, when I was a bride in southern Minnesota I decided livestock, chickens, cats and dogsRead full post »