It's been over two years since I landed at OS. I'm not sure how long I was here before I commented on July 29, 2009, I didn't comment again until October. I got used to being completely alone as a child, bad habits have a way of returning when I feel stressed or vulnerable. It'll be okay, it's just an old habit and I can change it too.
I'm having a little trouble again commenting and I've gotten a couple of PM's asking how I'm doing. I'm doing okay, and okay is more than enough. The anger has about passed and I'm reflecting on my present. I'm feeling a little stressed but I don't have anything fascinating, witty, earth shattering, or interesting to post so I'll stick with chatter. I have to break the habit and keep talking.
It's startling how much better I'm feeling every day. I spent 3 days last week volunteering at the VA Home. Pushing people in wheelchairs left some soreness in my arms and back so I'm moving slow. There were some killer ramps at the horse track but it was a great week. Most of the residents are wonderful and it made me happy to do what little I could, mostly just be there. Someone to help with activities, outings and serve meals, to be a set of legs and hands. Someone to laugh and smile with them, someone to listen. New friends as I start learning their names and faces. Aside from learning how much strength I lost in my arms in a year, last week was good.
My life has been a real trip. I've had a lot of careers, lived in a lot of states, traveled to other countries and had more experiences than most of the people I know. I've loved family, friends and men. I've had my heart cradled and I've had it stomped. Sometimes it was worth it, sometimes it was a waste of time and effort. During the past two years of writing I've taken a long overdue look at my past and it's time to leave it behind. It was time to stop wasting effort and leave a lot of people behind too. I don't like the way much of my life and luck have been but we have little control over other people or the way the future unfolds. I can only control me and I lost that for a short time.
I'm not the girl or woman I was, I'm different now. Many of my core beliefs have also changed. I'm more than content with who I am, the woman I've become. There are changes I still want to make and I know more memories will surface, but I'm in no hurry. I have no idea what will happen next but I'm grateful I have hope, my strength and resolve have returned, and I like me.
It's wonderful to say I really like all of me inside and out. I like my face, I have a beautiful smile that overshadows a bad nose. I'm even starting to like my unruly hair, it matches my unruly sense of humor. I like my freakishly proportioned body, ass-fat and all. Though it could be better I like my outsides pretty well. I never wanted to be brilliant, talented, famous or rich, I guess it just didn't look like it had enough "feel good" reward to appeal to me personally.
According to some I'm still too nice, too giving, too understanding, too honest, too trusting, and too loving. Those traits have bothered some around me for decades, try as I might I couldn't change those things. I realized it's because I like those parts of me, it makes me feel good. I'm not tossing the shoes that feel good, why should I toss the traits that feel good? I'm under no obligation to be the way others expect me to be. Let them be nice in return, tolerate me being too-too, or go away. Age has it's priveleges, I'm no longer too patient with people who tell me I should be what they want me to be.
There's no big news, nothing exciting or stimulating in this post. I had a nice week and feel some normal stress. I'm an average person living my ordinary life. Aside from a family and good friends, that's all I ever really wanted.
In the two years I've been here the biggest thing I learned while reading and writing was I don't want to be anyone but me. I discovered I like myself.
__________________________________________________
Updated with nose photo:
Here's a shot of my gorgeous granddaughter that I don't get to see (huge sigh), the nose and a bad hair day. God she's adorable.
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Comments
I hope you know we all across the ages have doubts similar to the ones you expressed. It's good to stifle the anger, to paraphrase Churchill, bile is best swallowed. It--anger--serves no purpose. If I may be so foward, if that's your photo at 50, well, you're far and away ahead of the rest of us. Don't get me wrong; I'm not judging beauty as skin deep, but youse is self-evidently. . .beautiful. As was your blog.
Lezlie
BadScot, in reading I realized I'm not different than anyone else, I just had a higher number of assholes in my life and I didn't get enough of the asshole gene. Two years ago I exploded but now they're all blown away so it's okay. Oh yeah, I look incredible for my age but you're right, that and 5 bucks will get me a cup of coffee. My heart brings me joy.
zanelle, you wouldn't believe how many people have told me I should get a nose job. Or maybe you would. Hahahaha.....
Candace, it's the typical Middle Eastern one, I'm pretty good at not letting anyone get a profile picture. I a picture where I wasn't paying attention to the camera. I like you too, never noticed your nose because your eyes are so gorgeous.
bluestocking babe, I'm learning to love it, it's untameable! You're a real looker yourself.
Indelible Ink, it's funny, all I had to do was tune out the yappy heads who kept telling me what was wrong with me, listen to sensible people and I felt better. Who knew?
Snoreville, you keep on cracking me up. I like you too.
Kim, thanks for stopping by. I like you too.
Lezlie, maybe there are too many people telling others they don't measure up and those people should stop talking. I don't know, all I know is it's great to take a good look and find out I like myself. I'm 54 but that photo was such a happy day it's become a favorite.
Rated.
rita, I suspect most of life is just showing up for the ordinary but looking at the ordinary as if it's miraculous. It feels good to simply feel good.
Scylla, a very grand journey and a glorious discovery. That beautiful child felt incredible to hold. A beauty beyond measure.
(*see çatherine's post for explanation*)
So now that you know what we all knew all along we can send you a bill for sayin', "I told You So!"
(ᴼᴥ̃)
.
too, it's in your writing,
it comes through.
trig, well the secret is out now. I rated your post but couldn't find words, maybe I'll stop by again. I look pretty good radiating joy and love!
sky, I was suffering from overexposure to people who were wrong. Send a bill, it's worth any price. Wait. What? Did you just say Amen?
Inverted Interrobang, heart-smiles can make up for not having anything entertaining or brilliant to say. I'm happy it gave us both joy.
Happy 2nd Blogiversary.
rated with love
Sounds like you are and I am proud of you.
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
Actually, this post was fascinating because it was honest and intimate. Glad you're feeling good about yourself and congrats on the anniversary. And I didn't see anything wrong with the nose or hair?
But I think that nearly everyone who read this will feel the same way. What a beautiful voice you have. And what a pleasure it is to call you friend.
Happy 2 years.
Yup I said "Amen". Why? As far as I know it's a perfectly good Latin word. If I recall correctly it is translated as "so be it".
I'm a bit disturbed by some of the comments here. I doubt that you have any interest in skewing reality, judging from your beautiful self-understanding. Let's face it - yer nose is generously proportioned and your hair apparently has a mind of its own. So what! I am old, short, fat, and mouthy. Who cares? I STILL rather like being me - No! Not true! I actually "greatly" like being me!
I'm enormously pleased that you like being you too. Do you think that if you had a wee button-nose and perfect hair that you'd be anything other than a really great you? Pah! The "you" of you does not depend upon such peripherals. The essential "you" is, like all of us, composed of parts of different attributes; some great some mediocre, some ....... well, let's not go there. You are a well-rounded you. One that I, and a great many others, like a lot. I'm so glad you're not "perfect". How could I, in light of my own imperfections, deal with someone who is?
So welcome my normal, average person friend. It is so nice to have you among us. Your wonderful, healthy attitude towards yourself allows and encourages me to have a healthy attitude toward myself. What better friend could you possibly be?
(ᴼ‿ᴼ)......!
.
This is a journey, but your steps are fulfilling and it is satisfying to read. I like where you have brought yourself. Continue being you. Thanks for sharing your anniversary with us all. Congratulations!
JJ, it's a pleasure to meet you too. I tried to think of something really grand to write about but I haven't done anything really special or grand. I didn't create any imagery or evoke any deep feelings or any of that writing stuff. Life has been blissfully dull.
A decade ago I got offered a nose job by my mom (hahaha, a last ditch attempt to make me a beauty) but I'm wasn't going to waste 10 grand when I've rubbed makeup all over my face, forget to check it and look like a raccoon by noon. We could have coffee and giggle at the mascara under my eyes, the hair is just incorrigible and must be ignored.
Scarlett, the trick is to have your picture taken when you're feeling joy and love. Nothing feels more wonderful.
Linda, it was a beautiful epiphany. God I love seeing you here, thank you for all the hugs and love.
Cranky Cuss, I'm glad honesty is considered fascinating. I'm either honest or silent, I considered re-posting something better but I'm bored with what I've written. Made up or not I look fine. There isn't anything wrong with the way most people look. I think there are too many critical talkers and not enough critical thinkers.
trilogy, you think it's fascinating too. That's proves it, I'm often wrong just like everyone else.
Kate, it's nice to relax with friends and just be ourselves. It really is one of the greatest pleasures in life.
sky, yes, it's a big nose and my hair is often a disaster. As you say, big deal, I have a great smile and a big heart. I managed to throw a beautiful filly, my youngest has her dads perfect Swedish bone structure and nose, my coloring with huge dark eyes. She's so lovely it's almost painful to look at her, her perfect physical beauty has done nothing to bring joy. My mother was breathtakingly beautiful into her late 60's. I can't remember the last time I saw either of them laugh or smile.
Thoth, you are my longest time friend here and even commented on some of my worst writing month after month when no one else did. I saved everything I deleted and almost reposted that one from Feb 11, 2010 it was titled "I remember dancing on the night we met" but it made me sad and I don't want to be sad now. You were the first comment and wrote "Beautiful memory" and I was happy someone else thought it was beautiful too. A week later Julie Shanti commented too.
You knew all I needed was someone to tell me "keep writing" and you kept saying it so I kept talking. You said it would get better and it would be alright and you were right, it's better, I think my brain is even getting better. You're right again, I deserve to be happy. Thank you for the courtesy, caring and constant encouragement.
Sheila, if I'm only going to learn one important thing then that's the best thing it could be. I'm feeling content with most of me and though I have no aspirations to be a writer, I've learned a lot and I'm glad I stayed here.
Sometime i'm fed up with what my family wants me to do or to be .I'd like to do whatever i can and like
I loved this- LOVED IT- "I've had my heart cradled and I've had it stomped. Sometimes it was worth it, sometimes it was a waste of time and effort." amazing
*R*
The title of your post could have been one of mine. Thinking you have nothing to say of interest to anyone else is so stifling. I get it cause I do it to myself all the time. Reading the incredibly impressive work of others whose accomplishments seem great and whose lives are so enticing can make you feel like a total underachiever.
Thanks for sharing.
ronantran, if they're needy, demanding, mean and ungrateful, replace them. That's what I did and it was like tonic to my spirit. If they make you feel good then ignore the craziness and revel in the joy.
Patrick, small changes made huge differences. Thanks.
Hayley, I like you too! If you're making someone feel good and they're making you feel bad, you're running your business of joy in the red. That's how we wind up emotionally bankrupt. They're called energy vampires.
Golden Pheonix, I'm good-natured and though it's unfashionable I consider it a good thing.
Jonathan, you can read the most painful things and stand still. You're a brave man, thank you very much.
Miguela, it's a little scary that I almost missed it. I have enough follicles for 3 people, stop by and we'll hack some out for you!
SagCap, is that your sun/ascendant? Wow! I bet you don't stop until whatever you hunt is found. It makes sense that you did it in a week of intesive therapy. Luckily I was an overachiever for much of my life. It's mostly unrewarding as others gobble up the rewards. It's highly overrated, I always feel very sorry for show dogs and trained seals. Live for the joy.
And..we like you too. :)
sweetfeet, put up those sweet feet and relax a bit, it's restful to laugh and chat.
maria, you have a strong glow yourself so we'll call it radiant energy. The path was placed in front of me and I chose to keep walking, it's a gift to have arrived at this destination. The regal nose is designed for the wonderful smells of a baby's head, lasagne and butterfly bushes that bloom in July.
anna1liese, it's feels as if I'm a much loved child facing the ocean with my arms open wide. I haven't forgotten what you wrote long ago, I repeated it to myself many times. No more sitting curled up tight on the floor. Thank you.
it's feels
as if I'm a much loved child
facing the ocean
with my arms open wide.
it's feels
as if I'm a much loved child
facing the ocean
with my arms open wide.
James, poetry? me? Not my words, it was a comment from anna1liese a long time ago. I rarely forget anything, which isn't always a good thing...
anna1liese, I'm glad you came back to see it, what you said helped a lot. You told me if you could, you'd take the me as a little girl to the beach, stretch my arms wide so I could breathe deep and look at the ocean. It's a wonderful thing to imagine, thank you.
Pilgrim, it is like a Blessing! Thanks.
Scanner, I think I've moved towards embracing my life. You've been a long time, no matter what, friend. Thanks, and to Terri too.
jramelle, the stream analogy is beautiful. You and those who mentioned liking the honesty relieved some guilt for me. The truth isn't always beautiful, it's often painful, hideous or brutal. I'm not talking about something small, like me stating I have a bad nose in a nice face. There are posts and comments when I despise how ugly the truths I write are, and I hate the words I speak or write. Many in my life don't want to hear the truth and have tried to shut me up.
I grew up in a world of lies and illusions, dysfunction thrives on them. I've come to hate lies no matter how much I wish they were true, how pretty they are, or how good they make me feel. Every choice or decision I've made in my life is made on information. If the information I got was a lie, I made a bad choice.
Those who ignore the truth do so at their own peril. I learned that the hard way too. Now our country is learning it.
imore, I hadn't thought of it that way but you're right, it's success, thank you. Thanks for stopping by.
nana, I did!
fernsy, she's a real doll.
Contratulations on your self-love and admiration. Enjoy yourself!
♥R
heysuz, I write for me too, for clarity. I'm really glad I didn't stop. Keep writing!
Gerri, it hurts my heart to hear you say that when you're so lovely. I did punish myself, I guess some of us were taught we deserved to be hurt but it's a lie. Don't believe any more lies.
Fusun, it's been good to be here. The space provided and support from you and many others helped my vision clear.
Happy 2 years of Life on Open!! :)
Rated!
hugs, what a gift realizing it was. Thanks.
Algis, thank you so much.
Never doubt yourself darlin. You are a force to be reckoned with.
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
Snoreville, thank you. I love the Irish coloring, I hope she grows up with red hair and her mom's nose. I love her so much.