Tonight I feel weak, and mushy, not substantial at all. The day started out okay and I went soft as the hours dragged on. Today I had nothing to do. The TV is on and all the shows have people that seem to be all jagged edges. Hard sharp people everywhere. Has it become a hard sharp world? Killer storms in weather, killer storms in people. I think it always was.
Tomorrow is the memorial service for my father. I don't want to go. I wish I hadn't hoped for so long that he would someday choose to act differently. Well, now it's too late for that and it ended the way it always was. Time ran out for us here, it leaves me sad. I'm sad for the child I was, the young girl, the young woman, all those years waiting, trying and hoping.
It's like the line from my poem A Simple Woman, "do beginnings matter once you're done?" No, the beginning didn't matter, it ended how it ended and I remember the last 50 years more than the first 5 years of my life. Who knows what will happen to the empty spot inside me? I don't have to hope he'll change anymore. Will I miss hoping? I have questions no one can answer.
A well meaning friend wanted to paint a hard shiny falsehood for me earlier, pretending things were not so is as close as she can come to empathy or compassion. The truth doesn't care if you like it or not. I told her I needed to get off the phone, I couldn't agree to anything that would make her feel better and me worse. Jagged edges cut, I want a soft place to rest, the spirit is like the body, injuries need to heal. I'm not going to keep waiting to heal, it must be now, I'm going to start now.
I don't want to be strong or tough, just for now I want safety. Tonight I wish there was someone around who's kind with soft words, like I think Jesus was. Someone compassionate and gentle. A person I could curl up securely against, someone I wouldn't have to keep my guard up around. It would be nice to rest a bit. I'm homesick but for where I don't know, I'm homesick for people from long ago, not places.
I guess the good thing about not having others to lean on is that I've learned to lean on God from within. It will be okay, the angels are with me, strong and gentle. Tonight though, it would be really nice to have a flesh and blood friend to curl up with. It would be very nice for one night to be that mushy girl.