“My 2 year old granddaughter had a tantrum in the grocery cart and my daughter was disciplining her (telling privileges she would lose at home) to stop screaming. A woman came up and told her she was mean and a bad mother. It's ridiculous that someone who wasn't taught common courtesy gives out parenting advice. From comments on her page I guess this is now common. Is this really what's happening out there?”
I posted the above paragraph on facebook yesterday morning. I was unhappy after reading about the event on my daughter's page, less happy from reading about all the other young moms that posted that this happens to them often. I was even more upset after we spoke this morning hearing more details. My ex-husbands daughter posted on my fb page that it "happens in Utah all the time." Really? We are now free to express our thoughts and feelings about others to strangers publicly? Heaven help the young mothers who are trying to teach their children self-control.
My daughter was so upset and questioning herself that she posted it on facebook to make sure she was a good mom. She didn’t want to call and tell me because I was a perfectionist (huge flaw on my part and I apologize constantly for it) and didn’t want me to think she’s a bad mom. I know this because a minute after I posted a supportive comment, she called me for reassurance. My daughter is a good mom. If we were in a store to this day and she treated another shopper like that I would quietly tell her to be polite. I did not raise my children to act like animals and it pisses me off that someone who is that mean, rude and ignorant is trying to make my daughter feel inferior.
My daughter, who babysits an 18 month old from 5:30 am to 3 pm, had a flat tire on the way to the store and was already having a bad day, Kamal was late for her nap and testy. While checking out Kamal was done and started to have a meltdown in the cart. Winco doesn’t have baggers, any nice person would give her a kind look or even offer to help her bag her food instead of insulting her. She turned to the woman who had told her she was mean and told her to mind her own business. The woman then got in her face and started yelling that she didn’t know how to raise a child and people like her shouldn’t have kids. Of course Kamal started screaming louder because she wanted her mother’s attention in the first place and my daughter was now completely focused on this woman. A woman who with a few minutes of observation assumed she had all the knowledge necessary for her pronouncement and the right to be rude and mean. My daughter finally told her to get out of her face. I’m sure little Kamal took the exchange in completely.
A few months ago in Albertson’s Kamal was crying in the cart and a woman stepped up to her and harshly told her to stop crying and that she was a bad baby. Of course Kamal started screeching and my daughter rushed to get between them and told the woman get away from her baby. The woman then started to yell at my daughter telling her the baby was making noise and bothering all the other shoppers, that she had a bad baby and was a bad mother. Really? Like this Empress of Everything wasn’t yelling at a baby and my daughter and bothering other shoppers?
Pronouncing that one who is struggling is inadequate or bad and yelling at them is not helpful, the intention is to harm or shame another. It’s hard enough to parent without someone else telling you their farts smell like roses and yours stink, they have all the answers in the universe, and trying to make you feel bad about yourself. I’m outraged and frankly, quite pissed to find out that some think it’s acceptable to yell at other mom’s or yell at babies in public. I’m saddened that instead of trying to help someone who is obviously having a hard time that bashing them is what some choose to do.
More importantly, I'm distressed about the lessons these self proclaimed parenting experts are teaching my granddaughter. She saw that it's okay to be mean, insult, and yell at a stranger in public if you feel like it. It's hard enough to teach a tot not to yell as it is. I hate to think that they’re out teaching this lesson to children every day. It spreads and I’m as susceptible as anyone else, kids have no resistance built up.
Those realizations escaped me since this is new to me, my tots weren’t exposed to this type of behavior publicly 30 years ago except from teens and back then they didn’t dare yell at adults. My daughter asked me for advice and unfortunately I gave her bad parenting advice by telling her what she did was right. All I offered was support and that’s not what she asked for. Young children don’t just mimic their parent’s behavior, they will mimic anything that gets their parents attention. Since this is now a common occurrence with some adults I need to tell my daughter I was wrong. These are teaching moments just like all the others and Kamal observed her mom engaging in someone else’s bad behavior. The next time some stranger behaves that way she should turn away from the person and tell Kamal she’s not to behave like that and it’s never okay to walk up and yell at or be mean to someone else. We can’t control how others behave or how they treat us, all we can do is ask them to honor our needs. If they don’t, then all we can do is turn and walk away.
Once again, I’m receiving more from this child than I ever expected. This is not just a teaching moment for Kamal, it’s one for me to learn again.
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Comments
Hope your daughter is having a better day today and not second guessing herself everywhere.
I almost brained a shop owner with a Le Creuset frying pan when he started railing at Imp 1 (who was then 3 years old) because he dared to touch something in the shop (it was the knob of a demo stove that wasn't even hooked up). I was mortified that my son wasn't being an angel and triple mortified that someone was yelling at him and then yelling at me because I obviously didn't have a clue about how to bring up children. The experience lost me a lot of sleep.
At the time I didn't have many friends with kids, that came later, and boy did I need that network. There are a few of us who are still really tight with one another and we occasionally resort to what we used to call "confession time". You could tell your horrible parenting experience in confidence and your girlfriend(s) would absolve you of your "bad mom" day.
I have done many mistakes, when dealing with others, and this has led me to a lot of painful regrets. So as a way of saving myself, I try to avoid those with who I have nothing in common and maintain the polite behaviour when with unknows and outdoors. The thing is what one can do, when strangers do not avoid him.
I have a way of facing humans, I try to see them as elder childs, so then my behaviour will be much better, not always easy but I think it works either ways. What your daughter faced is awful, and in front of her child. I can understand her in her need of reassurance, and it is an emotional trauma to be attacked in such a way. It is so difficult to both be a mother and a polite adult, and I think the rude unknown, got back to her home and is still autopraising her self to her familiars for her ''nice and heroic doing'', totally ignoring the harm that she cause. How can one be judgemental of bad behaviour, when he/she is behaving badly, is my thinking, and I know that there is a lot of stupidity walking in a human form out there, but when dealing with a child heart must be the first mind.
Thank you for raising such a useful issue for all of us. Rated, with many kisses for your family and you!!
r./
Kids should be raised in isolation...preferably by robots and wolves.
I do not have kids.
This is a good thing.
And she's two.. Kamal. By God. Any real parent knows that score.
That said, I've seen some really terrible parents! At Wal-Mart. No longer go there except in emergencies
:-) / r
Worked for us.
At six feet tall with broad shoulders and looking like Santa Claus in civies, their eyes get wide and they grow quiet as they quickly look back to their Mom. "That's better, give your Mom a break."
As for dealing with rude and stupid people, like Hannibal Lector my first impulse is to "Eat the rude," but since the authorities frown on that sort of thing, I ignore them... which is what I would suggest to your daughter.
Great post, my best to your daughter !
(little white lies are ok with stupid stupid people)
Phyllis, I can understand the clerk not wanting to interact with the adult having her own tantrum. My poor daughter, I keep telling her she doesn't need to be like me, especially since I made mistakes. She needs to stop trying to please everyone and take care of the baby and herself. She needs Calgon to take her away...
V. Corso, who screams at a stranger's toddler? What a horrible man, he's lucky you had self control. The only angelic children ages 2-4 are those who are asleep. Bad parenting? It's more like a tactical mission where you spend half your time trying to keep them from killing themselves in your own home. God they are so fast!
Stathi Stathi, thank you. Both times the only thing the attacker accomplished was to terrify her so if she wants to praise herself for scaring a baby she's truly a moron. I can't think of one time my kids witnessed this and now my daughter is the victim of an ambush.
onislandtime, I guess this is something young mom's are now experiencing. Empathy and compassion are not present when there is arrogance and ignorance.
Doug, the village was the women of my day who would give you a smile or nod of support, even a hand. Maybe this woman didn't have children or know about toddler meltdowns, or maybe she was just stupid. It takes an idiot to ruin a village!
Jan, so right! And grab wine and an opener. They have you over a barrel, you can't put them in a time out in their room and there is really no way to make them stop. In truth, everything you do makes them yell louder.
trig, it's troubling that this isn't an isolated incident, her friends didn't reassure her as much as confirm that this happens to them. My ex's daughter confirmed it happens all the time in Utah too, maybe it's just these states. Only one commented she was saying no to a toy at Wal-Mart and about to give in because her son was having a loud tantrum when another mom came by smiled, and told her to "stay the course mom." She said it made her feel better and she didn't give in. There was a time when the other mom's had your back, now we have to adapt.
When my son was age 7 (26yrs. ago), I took him to see Robo-Cop, a really violent movie. I didn't realize how violent until we were there, but I felt we should see it through and discuss it, rather than leave at the worst moments. Well, the school librarian was there, too, and came up to us and yelled at me about having him there. That action was real and far more violent than the fantasy movie.
jmac, I smile and wave at them, and Phyllis commented on my fb that she gets behind the parent and makes faces which distracts the child which is smart.
Yes rude and stupid can go hand in hand. How do you prepare them, and are they tough?
Olga, sigh, there really is no way to deal with them and feel good. Anything you give them is the attention they want so walking away is the only way if you don't enjoy those things. She was really upset by the whole thing.
Kate, you're too funny. When she was 6 months pregnant a woman PUT HER HAND on her belly and asked her how far along she was. She said to the woman "what?" They did that thing and the woman said "how far along in your pregnancy?" My daughter gave her the stink eye and said "I'm not pregnant." Hahaha, the woman ran!
There are people who walk up and touch the Kamal's face, or hands, it's ballsy. Not smart either because if a stranger touches her she starts with those unbelievable screams. I wonder how they'd feel if I walked up and stroked their face or pinched their cheek. We are afraid of viruses and bacteria so there's no touching the baby.
Jackie, that's horrendous. So your son got to see someone he trusted come up and attack the most important person in his life. How can a 7 year old make sense of that? That's the big problem I have with this, these are small people that can't reason through all the complexities.
Heaven only knows what each child will learn from these encounters. It leaves the parents shaken and the child's feeling of security has a crack in it. As well it should, it is indeed disturbed behavior.
Rated.
Kate, good for you, who needs the extra stress, purple whatever, steam it and enjoy. My daughter told her husband she is not taking the baby to the store alone anymore. Hahaha, smart women adapt.
Gerald, that's probably true but not nearly as bothersome as the number of lunatics who will attack when not even provoked. I try to avoid adults unless I know them, it's a mad, mad world.
Margaret, those I've seen and I shrug them off. Kids get over-tired or overstimulated and when they want something they are RELENTLESS, there were times I wanted to abandon my kids in the store.
Having another person either yell at your baby (who yells at a baby?) or yell at you is some serious nasty. This woman was telling my daughter she was a bad mother and shouldn't have children based on a few minutes observation. She must have a Goddess-complex disorder. Call the shrinks and have them label it. Maybe she was off her meds.
These are people with no manners and very little brains.
What you told her to do.. well I wish I knew that as it's right on.
HUGGGGGGGG
keri, thanks. It makes me sad for the mom's of today. It's enough to deal with an out of control child, add in an out of control adult and the stress is through the roof.
Maria, yeah, I appreciated it and everyone's input, I was really pissed and not thinking at all. I blew it, it was a mistake to tell my daughter she was right to tell her off and participate in that behavior. Bad move in front of a small child but she and I both made a mistake and next time she'll have a teaching moment.
This is also a chance for her to learn I was wrong and all mom's make mistakes. Hahaha, it's okay, she's only 32 and I'm only 55 we're still young enough to learn!
ccdarling, okay, so we have the same stunned reaction. It stunned me that so many of her friends and my former daughter-in-law acted like this was normal. My daughter and her friends don't realize, it's NOT normal, nor should we let it be.
This woman wasn't offering advice, she was completely useless there, except if being mean and rude is useful. Maybe she's lonely and needed someone to treat like that because no one wants to be around her, or maybe that's just who she is and doesn't know not everyone likes to be told they're inadequate. If she's a mom and unhappy with her choices that's her issue, not ours. My daughter's issue is to keep the baby away from those behaviors. To each their own.