If I want to get to heaven

I have to walk away from hell
SEPTEMBER 1, 2014 11:28AM

A strange and terrifying nightmare

I had one of those nightmares last night, and it got stranger and stranger. I walked into my bedroom and water was pouring out of the skylight (there is no skylight in my room) so I cranked the casement style handle thinking it needed to be opened and resealed. When I… Read full post »


Remember when we called them Policemen as if it was one word? Back when you were little and they were imposing figures to be feared in your life. Or maybe that wasn’t the image your parents created for you. Anyway, the police officer was one of the good guys… Read full post »

AUGUST 24, 2014 2:03PM


My parents and extended family blamed me for 40 years because I ran away from home at 15. Since everyone blamed me, I learned I was bad. One day my mom was furiously ranting at me about it during family therapy, then turned to tell the therapist what a bad… Read full post »
MARCH 15, 2014 4:56PM

To be understood is profound.

A longtime OS friend resurrected a long ago PM I sent him and put it in a fb comment. In the PM, I was responding to his compliments on my writing, and also explaining why I didn’t want to improve my writing or take it up as a profession. In reading… Read full post »

During The Great OS Account Deletion of 2013 I lost my secret (not allowed under TOS) avatar L'Heure Bleue 2. I wrote and asked to have it restored but I didn't know the correct email address and this account was restored (again). Sigh, R.I.P. Bleue 2 and whatever sorrows you wroteRead full post »

AUGUST 30, 2013 11:25PM

Things I wish I'd said

It's been a rough few weeks. Again, I'm forcing myself to not detach from everyone. I started reading a novel my mom had when all I had left was two heavy books. The character had a loving supportive family when her crisis occured. Seriously? I couldn't get the one where the… Read full post »

AUGUST 11, 2013 11:55PM

My first painting and 4 years on OS


I missed my 4 year OS Anniversary but with good reason, little Kamal was here for almost a week while her parents were in Vegas. I left my first comment on July 29, 2009 and have no idea how long I was lurking before I registered but the reading was… Read full post »

JULY 11, 2013 3:04AM


Sometimes, like on Monday sitting outside The Paper Cottage, I see a couple walking, heads tilted toward each other while they talk, and I remember when we used to talk while walking. Like best friends. Then as their arms were gently swinging, I saw him take her hand without looking down,… Read full post »

JULY 6, 2013 8:12PM

Dirty word or dirty mindset?


Some words have useful as well as toxic meanings, they’re not dirty words but in some minds the word labels another as inferior and that’s dirty. Some of them become so dirty that I've heard people say “I don’t want to call myself a …” because we have been… Read full post »

JULY 2, 2013 5:51PM

Leaving the nest

Last September I pried myself out of my lovely little nest and moved in with mom. She refused to take the master suite after dad died and stayed in her own rooms. We may be rattling around in this big place and I have plenty of room, but still, I am… Read full post »

Frank, your response to me on Kate's post was particularly filthy. I refuse to let you shame me or blame me, I am not the perp here. You are a perp here, by what you wrote, you damage those who are not yet survivors. You help keep victims of abuse as… Read full post »

MAY 12, 2013 4:17PM

Drawing Women


Last summer I needed to heal a broken heart and work through feelings that came up during my father's final illness and death. So I took an art class at the local Senior Center. I didn't know I needed to bring supplies. It wasn't a formal instruction, more of a… Read full post »

MAY 7, 2013 2:59PM

Letting go

2f Robert Doris Redwood City 1957 

I lost my father five decades ago. I vaguely remember a man who seemed to love me very much. I have memories of him dancing with me, my right arm extended with small legs dangling as he sang songs in English, French and Italian. He used to make up stories… Read full post »

I wrote this almost two years ago and each comment was incredibly pleasing to me. People are remarkable and fascinating to me. Often I wonder if we all even see the same colors. Does food taste the same to us all and if so, shouldn't I like eggplant? I've never met… Read full post »

“We should do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living. It is a fact today that one in ten thousand of us can make a technological breakthrough capable of supporting all the rest. The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of… Read full post »

I know what a lot of things feel like, feelings I wish I didn’t know. I know what it feels like to be suicidal. I know what it feels like to build up the resolve and feel the relief of thinking I was killing myself. I know what it feels like… Read full post »


La cage aux folles literally translates into the cage of madwomen, but commonly it means birds of a feather. This is a true story of crazy parakeets in one cage.


Long ago, when I was a bride in southern Minnesota I decided livestock, chickens, cats and dogsRead full post »

FEBRUARY 24, 2013 11:26AM

Love, pure and simple

My spirit has been rescued, saved by being truly loved. I haven't been this happy in a relationship in over a decade. This is Grace...


Grace was found wandering the streets of Sacramento, pregnant and alone. I have no idea what happened to her pups, she was sent by… Read full post »




Mrs. Scorpio and her husband invited mama and I to the Fair, much to my delight mama said yes. Forget your visions of what everyone does at the fair, since my nest emptied I have the luxury of doing what I want to do. We spent the first… Read full post »



I'm overly fond of Post-It's and many are posted about my house with messages to me. They're only the modern version of the scraps of paper I used to tape up. Mini prompts everywhere. Words from friends, books, and now, people on OS. Words to comfort, guide or make… Read full post »


Late Friday night I was hanging out with a girlfriend after going out for pizza and she recounted the most remarkable conversation with her husband. He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, looked at the toothpaste, and made the most amazing observation. He told her that for 25 years… Read full post »

AUGUST 12, 2012 7:22PM

I survived... with photo evidence!



Monday night I went to my daughter's house for a week of my own personal reality show:  Survivor Grandmas: A Week With Baby. My son-in-law taught little Kamal the Stink Eye, she was at times a formidable opponent. You see...


She was no match for me, I… Read full post »

AUGUST 8, 2012 1:25PM

The apology before dying



I read Joan H's post The Power of the Apology and it hit home, you know, like a fist in the gut. I don't want to go into details, 55 years is a lot of details to cover in one post, if you haven't been reading my posts hopefully you'll still… Read full post »

The past three years on OS has been quite the journey. July 29, 2009 is the day I first commented on OS, I don't know how long I was reading without commenting. Probably just a month or two before that. I didn't want to register or join anything, I… Read full post »
JULY 23, 2012 1:20AM

I'm only human

My daughter, son-in-law and the baby dropped by on Sunday. I thought R was coming alone to pick up a chair but my kidlet and the baby came along. It had been about 7 years since R was here and a year and a half since the kidlet came.… Read full post »