I apologize for blowing up my blog last night.
Especially to any one who sincerely was trying to communicate with me even at that point and not getting off on being malicious, faux-righteous and bullying. I did appreciate those with good will and sincerity, who earnestly tried to communicate during the lifespan of that particular blog. Thank you.
I gave what I could while I could.
I burned out. With exhaustion. With confusion. With disgust. With sadness. With some degree of loneliness.
I was sleep deprived already and was seriously challenged from an emotionally and physically rough work shift. I got a couple pms about some alarming malice pouring onto that blog (surprise, surprise) along with some heartbreaking pms from people whose work and good will I cherish who have decided to get out of “Dodge” a/k/a OS. People seemingly not involved directly in this particular “fray” but vulnerable nonetheless to the poison in the atmosphere.
I did it from there. I didn’t even know if I could, but I found the button. DELETE.
I was emotionally hungover from witnessing up close and personal at Open Salon a torrential stream of malice and schadenfreude which the harder I tried to slow it the intenser it seemed to get. My tiredness added to that sensation, admittedly.
I was weary from my awareness that Open Salon was not the fantasy community I wanted it to be on that given day at that given time. So very far from it.
I reminded myself of the Peter Seller’s slow-witted character, Chauncey Gardiner, in the old movie “Being There” who tries to stop a mugger by pulling out the tv remote from his pocket, pointing it at the threatening thug pointing a gun right back at him. Chauncey naively clicks to another channel, becoming seriously befuddled as to why the remote is not working.
If only it were that easy. Beam me aboard, Scotty. NOW!
Something is really dangerously “off” at Open Salon. With bullying and irrational malice on one side and profound “learned helpless” passivity on the other. That is the harder reality for me to mourn right now, the second. Though, let me tell you, the first managed to impress the hell out of me.
“Cronyism” can be swell, and it can be toxic. Look at what it has done to our political leaders who sold us down the river colluding avariciously with each other and with their sociopathic but money and power-laden corporate overlords.
Maybe I was looking for more positive, pro-active cronyism here. Definitely yesterday I was. Maybe that kind of “back-covering and no-man-or-woman-is-an-island” altruistic cronyism is the only thing that can really push back the toxic kind. Our only chance to turn the ship around. Of website. Of nation. Of globe.
Okay, and something is “off” with me maybe more times than not, in terms of my own historical dysfunction-conditioning -- “issues” -- which can relapse with adequate triggering. My ego. My denial. My willfulness. I’ll own that, though in my tipped-point state, I’m sorry. I can’t bring myself to go deeper at this moment.
I know this much re Open Salon, though. A climate friendly to provincial “McCarthyism” exists and it freaked me out when I saw evidence of it.
Also, I need to relocate my “mean girls” book on ego-maniacal and pathetic power and control clique-dom, so particularly frequent in school scenarios, in which members of a fascistic little tribe are tyrannized by their own internal sociopathic bullying government into going out and doing broader collective social tyrannizing.
I really loved it here.
I felt joy and excitement and trust to be open-heartedly creative. To extend highly personal work intrepidly and eagerly. To let loose at times my obviously more radical to many here political views and to share the non-mainstream media research I had been doing.
My hungry heart and ego thrived on the abundant validation back.
I was inspired by the incredible honesty, courage and talent of my fellow creatives. Mentored by their often tender and generous feedback.
This is all I need to say for now.
I am willfully turning comments off because I can’t take any more bullshit right now, even if it means not letting in the non-bullshit.
So revile me some of you. You will or are, anyway.
Ah, the malice of strangers.
I am human. I behaved rashly but humanly.
And, yes, I know the bullshit -- the schadenfreude, the irrational malice and the bullying -- will come rushing forward anyway. No remote control against it. It apparently is the ripe season for it now at Open Salon.