From an irreverent little book called "Insults and Comebacks"
You have such a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?
You’re dark and handsome. When it’s dark you’re handsome.
The eighties called. They want their wardrobe back.
Your idea of happy hour is a one hour nap.
You’re so dumb, blondes tell jokes about you.
You really earned that BS degree, didn’t you?
You are one banana short of a fruit salad.
You are one sentence short of a paragraph.
You’re face was made for radio.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
The difference between you and a mosquito? One is a blood sucking parasite and the other is an insect.
You’re such a loser even your imaginary friend wouldn’t hang out with you.
Did you eat a lot of paste when you were a kid?
That insult is older than your underwear.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
You put the "k" in crazy.
I’d like to help you out! Which way did you come in?
You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
Helen Bonham Carter, on Woody Allen. “His mouth is a no-go area. It is like kissing the Berlin Wall.”
Alice Roosevelt Longworth, on Calvin Coolidge: “He looks like he’d been weaned on a pickle.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” Groucho Marx.
“Paul Newman has the attention span of a bolt of lightning.” Robert Redford.
“I knew her before she was a virgin.” Oscar Levant, on Doris Day.
Theodore Roosevelt, on William McKinley. “He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair.”
Johnny Carson on Chevy Chase: “He couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.”
Nancy Astor: “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Winston Churchill: “Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it!”
Young man: “I can’t bear fools.” Dorothy Parker: “Apparently your mother could.”