Need Advice! Not Legally Married and he needs to go!
Hello! My name is Lils and I live in New York. My boyfriend and I have been living together for over 7 years. We have two children together, ages 4 and 2. Our relationship the last year has gotten bad and in the last 3 months have gotten worse. He's not the nicest guy in the world and it's just causing a lot of stress on me. We basically walk through the house now without saying a word to each other... him more than me. The environment that we are living in is strange and not normal to me. And, I know it will affect my children. I have told him on countless occasions- when he's talking to me- that I would like for him to leave. The only financial support I want from him is for the kids' school and daycare. I am more than willing to let him visit the kids whenever he wants. I would be happy to create a schedule for weekdays, weekends and holidays... whatever! I've tried to explain to him that we would be better PARENTS if we admitted that this relationship is not working and that it would be more beneficial to everyone if we could separate, but he just won't go. He's told me a few times that he's not leaving and if I want to go I can move-with or without the kids.
First of all, I'm not leaving my kids. Second of all, why should I have to uproot me and my kids and find another place while he just sits back and keeps our place? It's not fair. And, the bottom line is I don't have the money to do that. If I did I would have done it a long time ago.
He basically has told me that he's not leaving or if he does leave he needs until February to get his savings together. At first when we were being civil I entertained the idea. I told him maybe as long as he treated me kindly and with respect that might work. But, as the days went by he just became a jerk again. I don't want my kids to think that it's ok to treat and talk to people that way he treats and talks to me.
I did not grow up in a stressful environment. On the other hand, he has... He lived in a broken home where his father and step mother didn't get along and didn't give two craps about him. There was a lot of both mental and physical abuse. So, I understand he is accustomed to a dysfunctional family life. And, now the cycle is starting again.
I'd like to legally find a way to make him leave, but I do not have the money for a lawyer. I'm also afraid that if there is no physical abuse then no one will want to help me, but mental abuse is pretty bad too!
If anyone can offer some advice I would really appreciate it.
Thank you!
Lils
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Kerry Lauerman
Joan Walsh
Salon.com
Comments
So sorry that your relationship has deteriorated to such a bad place.
If you're not going to do that, you'll have to leave, which will leave him making the rent, or not, with your credit swinging in the wind. The discomfort of moving and risking your credit may be the price you have to pay to get on down the road. Good luck.
Shorter term, if you know a cop whom you can trust, s/he can give you a better idea of what your rights are in your state in terms of evicting him from your apartment.
Best of luck.
Emotional abuse, studies show, is MORE devastating than physical abuse. Don't settle. Believe that you are worth more than this. See what kind of low-income counseling is available to you. And remember, one day at a time. This is a process...be patient with yourself and focus on those beautiful children. All the best.
All the best,
Greg
Start calling today to find out what your options are. Don't sell yourself short.
good luck.
As much of a hassle as that sounds, you can take this opportunity to reinvent yourself and your lifestyle.
The result was that I was forced to evacuate the resident and leave my children behind. The was the most traumatic event that I have ever had to endure. Then I had to fight like hell to prove that he lied. It's a hard position to come back from and cost me about $30,000 in legal fees. Lay low. Be civil and get legal advice. Tread lightly, this could get really ugly. Good luck.
Do you have your own income?
I was actually going to give him one last shot last night to depart amicably, but came home drunk and there's really no talking to him when he's been drinking. Oh well... Then I read Zuma's post and realized that it was a good idea to keep my mouth shut.
I don't really what he's going to do regarding the custody part. At this time I am the main source of income in the house. He's working off the books part time and going to school part time. He's trying to get into the FDNY and I know having anything legal on his records against him will not look good on his investigation. So, I expect things to get ugly. Although, I'm hoping they won't.
Thank you to all!
xoxo
Lils
If it would take him until February to be able to arrange his savings to get his own place, don't have high hopes of what he's going to contribute financially. His financial status already speaks for itself.
Your goal is to lift yourself out of the crazy. There will be lots of things you have to battle... try keep the number of them as low as possible. Choose your battles wisely. A rental property might not be worth battling over. How to co-parent definitely is.
Hang in there. Be good to yourself. Hugs your kids lots.
You've got a few score words here from one party in a relationship that obviously had something going for it at one time - and has two little somethings at the heart of it right now, who might miss their daddy just a little tomorrow and forever.
There's no physical abuse and the situation obviously isn't at the extreme end of horrible.
What is wrong with you? Can't one person delve a little into the situation, get a better handle on it? Can't one of you advice givers offer some perspective that the tides of a marriage/relationship ebb & flow, and there's no guarantee this couldn't get better again? Can we talk about counseling, for God's sake?
I hate the knee-jerk "Here's how you get out..." response.
As for the relationship, I work with many couples who are on the brink of divorce. There are many things that can be done to get couples through critical times, too complicated to go into here.
As for the drinking, if there is an addiction, this must be addressed, whether you stay together or not for the sake of the children.
So, as Man Talk Now suggestions, if there is any splinter of hope, couples counseling is an obvious place to go. Leaving no stone unturned is a good way to live our lives for many reasons.
All the best...