I may be getting to an age where I over-evaluate. Seems I can’t do anything these days without weighing ‘why’ am I doing it. As I look through all my past, much younger years, I see a relatively unstable little girl looking for love and/or approval and/or validation, in every single thing I did.
As a preacher’s kid, missionary brat, and all the adjustments that went with that, I received my share of therapy. I can honestly say I never really understood the therapy. That profession seems to dig where there isn’t anything, and skip over where there is, in my humble opinion.
Thirty-seven year ago I met my husband, I don’t write about him here much because as much as I am an ‘open book’ type person, he is not. I respect that. I have been amazed though, at his constant stability and wisdom. When I get confused or frustrated, I ask him about whatever is bothering me. He has an interesting outlook. He always says to ask yourself ‘why’ am I doing this. When you figure out the ‘whys’, you figure out a hidden storeroom of reasons that you do things. Only then can you determine if you want to carry on or not.
I have always been a talker. Our family always encouraged us to be articulate, nearly seeing quietness as odd. Being articulate was seen as a sign of intelligence, that being able to speak knowledgably on all subjects. What I didn’t know at the time was: You will learn more by listening, than by talking. Learning new things is what I cherish in life, so I changed my ways. Yes, it is hard.
Another bad habit was show and tell. Why was I always dying to show something? I like being the center of attention. It really isn’t bad to like to be the center of attention, it is sad to ‘need’ it. I found that this was all about confidence, and the lack of it. So now I ask myself ‘why’ more often, and I like my answer to myself better. I show when I want to share. I share because I have a genuine interest in seeing what my fellowman is sharing.
I have never had the desire to write a book, or publish a poem, for the right reasons. To be honest with yourself is a very difficult thing. I decided in doing these things, I personally, am seeking validation from a stranger, I am wanting, or worse needing, ‘feel good’ from someone I don’t even know. I am being impressed with someone’s credentials and waiting to hear from them what I am worth. I do these things for me, and anyone else who flutters my way.
I feel I am worthy and valuable, not too unlike this butterfly.
by Cindy Prochnow April 2012
Photo by me in my garden 2011