I don't think I'm doing this retirement thing right.
Like so many other key events of a life -- becoming a "woman" when the menses starts, turning 16, getting drunk, or losing one's virginity -- it's just not going the way I had imagined it would.
I remember when I was in my forties (yes, I can still remember them) there had been a number of opportunities to listen to "experts" on career planning. One point they all seemed to stress was the need for working people to have a plan for their retirement. It wasn't a good idea, they said, to simply drift aimlessly into the alarm-clock free, meeting-free, bossless, end-t0-end days of leisure.
I had done the planning, like the "sperts" suggested. According to my plan, I should be sitting in first class on some international airline, making my way through my travel list. I should have already spent several weeks in Australia and New Zealand. Italy and Spain would have claimed a month or so of my time by now.
Well. There is no need to rehash all the reasons that plan has fizzled flamboyantly into the mist. No amount of planning I knew how to do included the Great Recession of the New Millenium.
This morning I awoke and repeated a habit I've had since childhood. I lie in bed each morning and mentally review the list of things I have to accomplish that day. This particular morning, the list was so short it stunned me. During the time I was a working mother with all kinds of business, civic and personal responsibilities, I would have killed to wake up just once in that predicament. Not today.
Today I realized that 2010 has truly become the first days of a time when I cannot afford to look back, not even for a moment. I need to develop a forward moving plan, but this time with little to no resources other than my mind, my body and my soul.
There is an overwhelming sense that I am wasting time, that this carefree time that I struggled so hard to reach in recent months is nothing more than a squandering of my own potential and usefulness. On the other hand, I am reluctant to make commitments to volunteer or join groups, for fear that I will fall back into the dizzying pace that results from my irrational tendency to take on ever-increasing amounts of responsibility wherever I go.
I realized today that, although I have spent most of my life "looking forward" to some kind of milestone, some kind of achievement that I could check off my bucket list, I currently have no such "something" in the pipeline.
Am I done? Have I accomplished everything I'm going to accomplish in this lifetime? If I have, and at 65 I could well have another 25-30 years of life ahead of me, then that is just wrong. With people around me who are 20 and more years younger facing debilitating illness and premature death, I am in relatively good health and I'm still able to think a coherent thought every now and then. What a waste!
Since it doesn't look likely that I will find a job anytime soon, my self-imposed assignment for the next several weeks is to find something to drop into my pipeline. I will discover at least one, hopefully several things I can accomplish in the total absence of money that will provide me with the sense of purpose, the feeling of usefulness and the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others, that I so desperately miss.
Think I can do it? Stay tuned.
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janicephelpswilliams
toritto
divorcedpauline
Jan Sand
Pensive Person
SeventhSister
Salon.com
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I can just say that I am glad to "know" you, and every time you write something that tickles someone' s fancy (someone like me), that means you more than matter. And now I am going to stop writing before I get annoyingly gushy.
Thanks for being here.
Mark: Wow! I'm blushing. Thank you for that very generous perspective.
Zul: Thank you very much for your kind encouragement.
Cranky: You're right, and I don't think of the time I spend here as wasting time.
kate: I plan to do just that. Thanks for your support.
BTW, I have a bucket list too... all the things I've decided I'm never going to get around to. Seeing the pyramids in Egypt is #1. I find it very liberating to let go of things I've long wanted to do, but which don't seem all that important to me any more.
David: Well, if it's no longer important... Must have been replaced with some other things?
OLD MEN FEED THE BIRDS
In all the parks in all the world
The old men sit
And feed the birds.
The old men sit
At noon and dawn
For they well know
They will be gone.
But all the birds
In all the world
Will still sing out
To raise the sun,
Will still loud sing
To set the moon.
To welcome leaves
When comes the Spring.
They bid farewell
When winters blow,
They range the sky.
To poles they go
To know the Earth
In part and whole
Across the continents they fly.
And so, with grain,
With crumbs of bread,
Men fight the force
That makes things dead.
So life may soar
Nor all things fall
Men give their bread
As gifts to all.
Jan Sand: How can I thank you enough for such an inspiring response to my post? The poem is just lovely and I hear your message loud and clear.
It is waaaaaaay past my bedtime. If there are any more comments after this, I'll get back to them in the morning. Night all.
And yes, you have it in you. R.
oh, and those hardwoods are sexy too...
Volunteering would be a good idea but I might be tempted to set your limits before starting so you don't find yourself where you used to be.
Good luck!
If you look for the light you will find it.
Good luck.
Perhaps the 'prime directive' for members of our own and other species is simply to feel reasonably 'happy' as often as possible.
For virtually all of us, there exist many specific mental and physical actions that lead to that state and/or that themselves provide that feeling directly.
Of course if we rule out a lot of those choices because they simply ain't among our druthers, then we may have a serious problem.
I cautiously infer from your comments about "accomplishments" that such may be exactly the nature of your present discontent.
Also, I once had someone counsel me that there are always more things to do than can be counted. And in anyone's life this is true. There might be a project just waiting for your development skills to take it forward. In particular, think of volunteering as your new career, as it were. Many folks would value your cheering character and vital, active personality for various reasons. If Safe_Bet's idea for you of a medical facility doesn't appeal (it's not for everyone, after all), then how about a high school facing financial crises and with a need for your expertise? You could tutor, mentor, advise, and so forth.
I believe you are on the cusp of a new life. Enjoying it to its fullest may be your surprise gift in place of any travel plans previously made. Mine your treasure, dear heart........
Rated for clarity with honest feeling
Lezlie
I volunteer. I write. I think more deeply and I come here to celebrate from time to time...but...I'm still in limbo, in a way.
I found some of that old "spark" last week, but that was a long shot trip to my favorite place in the world. I can plan to do that again, and I have...but...between those adventures, what?
I'm here ponderin' with ya', sistah. But then...we always seem to be on the same page, don't we?
Museums, art galleries, theater, learning a new skill, whether a language or how to draw, can all offer a sense of purpose and pleasure. You do not have to be useful 24/7 , although women and socialized and rewarded most consistently for it.
@Keka: I kinda think your report from the rim triggered this in me to some extent. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "if I just had a partner to do things with..." Pfffft. We both know that's not even true. I'll just have to sit in it a while longer until I get my bearings, but I will find some volunteer work to do.
L.
The possibilities are endless along with your talent. I know you'll find what you're looking for.
r~
I have been reading studies that say people are happiest and most fulfilled by experiences (going to a concert, instead of getting a new sofa), and connecting with others.
I know those are broad categories, but what are you good at, and how can you use it to connect with people?
You've been following me around and peeking into my guilt-ridden mind. It's the overwhelming thought that I should be giving back from the blessings I've been given.
This is a beautifully written piece and an inspiration.
Good luck! Rated!
- a sense of purpose
- a feeling of usefulness
- an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others
but do not want to fall back into old habits of taking on ever-increasing responsibilities. . .
You've heard from many of us that you are useful to us, and you make a difference in our lives. And yet, I understand that this cyberworld of OS is not enough.
It seems to me that you have a gift (I'm sure you have many) of writing, of sharing pain and grief with others and taking some of theirs on so as to help them. You create beauty and hope with your words. . . I am wondering if there is something in there that you can mold into a purposeful, useful, making-a-difference activity? I don't know how this could work, but if you were somehow to expand your writing beyond OS in a service capacity, but one you can control. Gosh, I don't even know what I mean exactly -- share personal narratives with a soldier, be a pen pal with an elderly person/soldier/young mother/brain injured teen/blind person/prisoner/veteran. . . take the letters and create poems/narratives for them to keep. . . So many people in this world are marginalized and lonely. Imagine how their day might be brightened by some nice mail in their snailmail or email box??
I'm babbling, but I think I get what you mean. Please let us know what you come up with, because I know you will come up with something that will fill the world with a bit more goodness and yourself with a bit of pride that, yes, you still do good. You'll find it.
Your posts brighten our day and we look forward to them. Writing is hard work as we all know.
@TheRealMe: You have gone the extra mile on this one and I appreciate the effort.
Thank you to everyone who commented. I have taken every one of them to heart and will come out the better for having shared my innermost thoughts.