Talk about having safe sex! Apparently, humans are capable of treating themselves to the mother of all orgasms with no hands involved. None. Not his, not hers, not yours.
Sunday evening I was sleepless in Atlanta, an unusual event for me. It was undoubtedly due to the fact that my computer had contracted a virus that had wiped out my browser, so I was unable to connect to the Internet. For me, that's like taking the needle away from a heroin addict and locking her in her room.
I turned on the bedroom TV and found there was programming instead of an infomercial on TLC. "Strange Sex" was the title of the program. On the screen was a middle-aged woman with blonde and fuchsia hair. Barbara Carrellas was discussing a technique she discovered for achieving an orgasm without genital stimulation.
Thinking off, according to Carrellas, is the process of combining deep breathing techniques with your personal thoughts to bring yourself to rhapsodic spasms of orgasmic Nirvana. Ooookaaaay.
While the story of this woman's efforts to share her discovery and to have it scientifically authenticated played out on the screen, my over-stimulated mind went to work dreaming up scenarios of the absurd.
How many times had I been trapped in the doctor's examining room waiting for Her Majesty to sweep through the door? I had read all the magazines in the room six months ago when I was similarly trapped, and there were no windows to stare through. Why not make use of the examining table to "practice my deep breathing?"
On the screen, Ms. Carrellas is conducting a class, teaching both men and women her technique of thinking off.
"What a minute!" I think. "This could get messy if guys do it." So, I sit up in bed and pay closer attention.
In no time, people are writhing on their mats, laughing hysterically or moaning or almost crying. But there were no visible signs of, um, completion on the men's frontal regions.
"I didn't ejaculate, but I experienced what felt like an orgasm over my entire body," said one guy in a post-orgasmic interview. Whaaaat? Naturally I think it's all BS, that this woman and her cohorts are full of it.
Not so fast, you skeptics. TLC anticipated your mockery and derision. Enter the white coats. Yes, there is technology -- I've seen it on House -- that can graphically capture brain activity while a person is in the throes of ecstasy.
Barbara Carrellas was slipped into the imaging contraption and asked to do her thing. Two doctors sat behind image screens watching her brain activity as she worked herself into a frenzy. Sure enough, it was Christmas in Carrellas' amygdala, the part of the brain that registers pleasure. In fact, the effect was so intense that Carrellas went right on screaming and writhing long after the doctors told her the test was over.
Of course this discovery, if widely practiced, could change the sex lives of millions of women who are otherwise deprived for lack of a partner or the inclination to use battery operated boyfriends. And men will have the option of relieving their own tension without having to *handle* things -- you know, like their clothes.
On the other hand, this could bring a whole new set of challenges for getting through one's daily commute on public transportation! The sights! The sounds! Oh my.