Lisa Kern

Lisa Kern
Location
Pennsylvania, US
Birthday
March 28
Bio
I'm a mom of three boys, a needy dog, and an insolent cat. When I'm not writing, vacuuming up pet hair, or cleaning pee off the toilet seat, I like to fantasize about jeans that actually fit and an all-you-can-eat-chocolate-and-cheese diet. Welcome to my party.

MY RECENT POSTS

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SEPTEMBER 13, 2013 2:05PM

The Old Mom

Cape May leaf

As I write this, we are pretty much in the full swing of this back-to-school thing.  With almost two weeks under our collective belts, I feel as if we might survive...if the parenting gods smile on us, and I keep my act together as Bedtime Enforcer and Signer of Reading

Read full post »
APRIL 23, 2013 8:00PM

Bailey gets her groom on

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Does this look like a creature who cares about foofy spa treatments?

 

 

Last week, I learned that the woman who’s been grooming my dogs for the past fourteen years is no longer able to groom Bailey.  Apparently decades of grooming dogs has taken a toll on her back,/… Read full post »

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Evan was nervous.  He was due to present a big project at school, one he'd worked on all year long.  As we were driving to school, he wanted to make sure that I understood what my role was in all of this. 

   

          Read full post »

MAY 4, 2012 9:04AM

Bringing spices

 

I wasn't looking forward to the funeral.  My friend's daughter, Krissy, had been killed by a drunk driver a few days earlier.  She was only 26 years old.

 

I'd known her practically forever, having worked with her mother for over 20 years.  When Krissy was a/… Read full post »

APRIL 18, 2012 8:52AM

Evan, the Cat Whisperer

Evan and Mewcifer

               The relationship between my youngest son, Evan, and the stray cat who showed up at our back door in December has always been a rocky one.  In spite of Evan's eagerness to make friends with him, Mewci/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 20, 2012 10:05AM

The Jesus Dryer

The Jesus Dryer  

I have long suspected that the appliances in my house conspire against me.  What else could possibly explain their uncanny tendency of dying in clusters and at the worst possible times? 

The refrigerator once died the night before we were to leave on a week-long vacatio… Read full post »

 

Like most moms, I've been with my kids as they've navigated life's milestone moments.  I have their first smiles, first teeth, first words, and first steps lovingly recorded in their baby books. 

 

As they've grown, I've chronicled some of their more poignant milestones, such as… Read full post »

JANUARY 13, 2012 12:00PM

Catnapping

All I wanted was a nap.  I’d been thinking about it all day at work, and now that I was finally home, I was determined to sneak in a nap before I had to make dinner.

  

I went into my bedroom and was surprised to see the cat curled in aRead full post »

JANUARY 4, 2012 4:31PM

A cheeseburger with a side of karma

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Once in a while, I'm not a nice person.

OK, OK...I'm frequently not a nice person.  I complain about The Way Things Are (a lot,)  I can be cranky and unpleasant, and I totally stink  at remembering to be grateful for all that I have.

Lately, it feels asRead full post »

DECEMBER 29, 2011 7:44AM

Adventures in Cat Rescuing

For those of you following along at home, we still have FrodoJoseKitty, the stray cat who showed up at our door a couple of weeks ago.  We made the decision that no matter how long he stays with us, he needs to be neutered.  Concern about pet overpopulation combined with the/… Read full post »

DECEMBER 23, 2011 11:04PM

The Christmas Cat

 

The Universe dropped off a cat at my back door the other night. 

Actually, it wasn't the Universe at all but a woman from the hair salon next to my house.  She and others at the salon had seen the cat hanging around between our properties and assumed that it/… Read full post »

OCTOBER 10, 2011 7:58AM

Murder in the Produce Section

            "I think we should kill it."  Against the backdrop of muzak in our local grocery store, these words, spoken by my son, couldn't have been more out of place.  Yet there we were, eleven-year-old Evan and I, contemplating murdeRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 28, 2011 9:13AM

Of Birthdays, Badgers, and Brand New Dreams

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Today is my birthday.  Number 48.  That’s 336 in dog years.

 

Every year, as I celebrate one more trip around the sun, I like to reflect about what the previous year has given me.  Sometimes, those gifts aren’t so welcome (did I really need a swarm of termites in/… Read full post »

MARCH 21, 2011 8:13AM

You're Grounded!

 

Leave me alone
 

Cleaning up the kitchen isn’t usually a hazardous activity, which explains why I was especially unprepared for the full force stream of water that hit me squarely in the chest the moment I turned on the tap.  The water, ordinarily flowing downward from the faucet, was/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 10, 2011 6:47AM

For better or for worse, as long as cookies aren't involved

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(excuse me, would you like to buy a box of evil?)

When I married my husband twenty-five years ago, we made all sorts of promises to one another.  Basically, we agreed to tolerate each other when we’re cranky, not bail on the marriage when one person fails at using the lau/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 24, 2011 8:01AM

Finding love at EmoHarmony.com

emo hands by Ryan Kern
 

With all of my kids now middle school age or older, I really thought that I’d made it through the toughest part of parenting.  I mean, once you’ve survived the sleepless nights of infancy, toilet training, and fishing Lego bricks out of a child’s nose (twice), the/… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 5, 2010 1:13PM

In which Mom must admit she's wrong

 

Made for me by my talented and sweet-smelling son.
 

The unthinkable has happened.  Hell has frozen over, and pigs can now fly. 

 

It must be some sort of cosmic manipulation.  There is no other explanation.  

 

I wonder if the Mayans had something to do with it.

 

Like all exciting and magica… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 21, 2010 10:23AM

Of Brass Monkeys

 

wish I could keep him this small forever
 

Evan is talking my ear off again.  In fact, he’s been doing that very thing for the past three hours.  He ran to catch up with me while I was walking the dog so that he could tell me all about the things that are important to a ten-year-old/… Read full post »

 

Here’s something you may not know about me:  I tend to imagine the worst possible outcome in nearly every situation.   It may be due to my professional background, having been trained to imagine all conceivable ways that things can go wrong in order to adequately insure ag/… Read full post »

 

People have been asking me what I’ve been doing the past few months.  I wish I could answer with a glamorous response.  I’d love to be able to say, “I’ve been on my book tour,” or “I’ve been working with the folks at Axe to create a body spraRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 17, 2010 8:09AM

What if Different Meant Wonderful?

 

My son Evan has a birthmark.  What’s unusual about it is that it’s not only quite large, about 2 inches by 4 inches, but it’s also completely flat and much paler than his skin tone.  It’s almost as if he was born before someone had finished coloring him. Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 26, 2010 8:52AM

A Letter to God on My 47th Birthday

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Dear God, 

Well, it’s my birthday again.  Number 47.  I owe you some thanks for keeping me alive on this earth for all these years, even though the past several months have been rather iffy.  You’ve got to admit; you’ve thrown some majorly crummy stuff myRead full post »

 

We had looked at so many houses.  For nearly three years, every weekend was spent at Open House events, to the point that our children thought that going to Open Houses was our special Sunday family tradition.  In spite of our dedication to house-hunting, none of the hundreds of hous/… Read full post »

 

I’ve always considered myself a fairly rational parent.  I contemplate all options before making a decision.  I discuss things with my kids, making sure to listen to their viewpoints.  I do my best to remain respectful toward them even if I secretly wonder what kind of dru/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 5, 2010 7:39AM

Running Away: A Primer for Moms

now THAT's running away 

That’s it.  I’ve made up my mind.  I’m running away.

 

This mom-thing is exhausting, the pay is lousy, and I don’t even get a single day off.  Besides, these kids are entirely too stinky and messy.  Today I came home to discover the e/… Read full post »