They'd been taunting me for weeks; those jeans that I used to wear all the time but which are now too tight. After expanding my diet over the holidays to include more celebratory foods, I found that my menu wasn't the only thing that had been expanding. When I tried to put on my favorite pair of jeans and discovered that I couldn't comfortably zip them, I had to admit that it was time to get back on the diet.
I hung the Skinny Jeans in the front of my closet as incentive to reach my goal. Every time I open the closet door, however, the Jeans remind me of how far I still have to go. Instead of feeling inspired, I'm feeling like a failure. Yes, clothing can have that kind of power.
Today the Jeans were especially unkind to me:
Skinny Jeans: Pssst. Hey you...
SJ: Yes, you. How about you try me on today?
Me: (hesitating) Uh...Maybe some other time.
SJ: Why not today?
Me: I don't have the time.
SJ: You don't have the time, or you know I won't fit?
Me: (sigh) Honestly? I don't have time for all of the crying and self-loathing that will ensue when I discover that you don't fit.
SJ: Ah...and whose fault would it be if I don't fit?
Me: I don't know...
SJ: Oh come on, you can't fool me. I know all about the (cue Music of Impending Doom) chocolate.
Me: (gasp!) You do? I mean, what chocolate?
SJ: All of that chocolate you ate last week. Good lord, woman, you sucked it up like a Hoover. You'll never be able to fit in me if you keep eating chocolate.
Me: The chocolate was for medicinal purposes!
SJ: Medicinal purposes? That's quite a stretch, isn't it?
Me: No, really. Medicinal. PMS can be ugly especially during the winter.
SJ: So what about the week before that? You had chocolate then, too.
Me: (timidly) That was, um, pre-PMS?
SJ: You're pathetic.
SJ: So are you enjoying wearing your fat jeans?
Me: I'm not wearing fat jeans.
SJ: Are you sure?
Me: Well, I'm not wearing my fat-fat jeans. I'm wearing my next-step-down-from-fat jeans
SJ: (mockingly) "I'm wearing my next-step-down-from-fat-jeans"
Me: It's true! I'm making progress. I'd been wearing my fat-fat jeans, but then yesterday, I put on my next-step-down-from-fat jeans and they fit.
SJ: As long as you don't breathe!
Me: I can breathe. I, um, just can't eat or drink anything while wearing them.
Me: Look, the least you can do is to try to encourage me.
SJ: The least you can do is stick to your diet.
Me: Alright, that's it! I'm going to fit into you if it's the last thing I do.
SJ: You won't last a day...
Me: Watch it...I'll put you in the donation bag!
SJ: OK, OK... Geez! Can't you appreciate that I'm trying to be helpful?
Me: Helpful? You're abusive!
SJ: I'm sorry. It's just that I miss you. I miss all of the fun we used to have together.
Me: We did have some good times, didn't we?
SJ: We sure did. And we will again.
SJ: Now about that hairstyle of yours...
Me: (slams closet door)
*Special thanks to my friend Robin for coining the term “fat-fat jeans.”