Lisa Kern

Lisa Kern
Location
Pennsylvania, US
Birthday
March 28
Bio
I'm a mom of three boys, a needy dog, and an insolent cat. When I'm not writing, vacuuming up pet hair, or cleaning pee off the toilet seat, I like to fantasize about jeans that actually fit and an all-you-can-eat-chocolate-and-cheese diet. Welcome to my party.

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FEBRUARY 28, 2009 12:25AM

The Frustrated Father's Guide to Fool-Proof Foreplay

Rate: 62 Flag

 

This one’s for the guys; those underloved, underappreciated guys. 

 

Can we talk?  I promise I’ll be quick and won’t ask you to call me in the morning.  Besides, this is a subject I know you’re interested in: S. E. X.  Surely you remember SEX; the kind that involves a certain woman to whom you’d committed long before the children came along and before those spontaneous amorous moments were banished to her Happy Place during Lamaze class.

 

I know what you’re going through.  Yes I do. You’re desperately in need of some lovin’ from your woman but she keeps turning you down.  Night after night, it’s always the same excuses:  “I’m too tired,”  “I can’t get the baby to sleep,” or “I’d rather watch Letterman.”  Talk about rejection!  Letterman isn’t even having anyone good on as a guest. 

 

I hear your sad frustration, my friend, but I promise you that your lonely nights are coming to an end.  You see, I’m going to let you in on something that only women know about.  They’re called The Secrets to Fail-Proof Foreplay.  I guarantee that my advice will have her forgetting all about Letterman and her 396th headache and thinking only of how fast she can jump your bones.

 

Whenever you’re in the mood for love, all you have to do is repeat the following Magic Spells exactly as I have them written here:

 
  • Why don’t you sit on the couch and rest, My Angel, while I fold the white clothes?  Nothing screams Sexy more than a man who does laundry.  I know you’re thinking that it’s too easy, but trust me; she won’t be able to control herself.
 
  • Honey, I’ve cleaned up the kitchen.  For this one to work, you have to make sure that you actually did clean up the kitchen, but this investment in time will yield big dividends in the bedroom.
 
  • You sleep, My Darling.  I’ll get up with the baby tonight. Yes, she’s sleep-deprived but you won’t be love-deprived.  This will have her falling in lust with you all over again. 
 
  • Hey, Beautiful, why don’t you sit down and read while I help Junior with his school project? -  Depending upon the project, say, if it’s a medieval commoner’s costume complete with Medieval Beef Tart (preferably gluten-free, dairy-free, and peanut-free) the week before Christmas*, you can conceivably get lucky several times in a row for this one.  This Magic Spell is only for the strongest or most desperate among you but the results will exceed your wildest dreams.            
 
  • You work so hard, My Love.  Why don’t you let me vacuum the living room?  Oh, the sight of a man with a vacuum cleaner!  The only vision more arousing is a man with a mop and $100 dollar bills pasted all over him.  Vacuuming the living room will only take you 15 minutes, but all of that loving will last much longer.
 
  • Look, Dear, I’ve mopped the kitchen floor.  These $100 dollar bills are for you!  Yeah.  It’s that good.
 
  • Junior’s had explosive diarrhea?  Here, Sweetheart, let me take care of it.   This one requires a strong stomach but is guaranteed to work on even the most Foreplay-Resistant women.
 
  • Hey Sugar Plum, how about we take your mother out to dinner on Sunday?  This one is tricky.  It only works for women who actually enjoy spending time with their mothers.  Make sure you do the research ahead of time.  If she groans and rolls her eyes every time her mother calls, it’s probably not the best one to try.
 
  • While you sit and relax, Baby, I’m going to clean the bathroom.  This one is a guaranteed winner.  In fact, it will earn you bonus sex if you happen to have boys who use the bathroom.  We all know the trouble that boys have getting the pee into the toilet bowl instead of on the seat.
 
  • Why don’t you take a nap, Dearest, while I weed the flower garden?  Try this one in the summer when the August humidity causes her hair to frizz and those hairy Wolf spiders are out in full-force.  Helloooo, Love Machine!
 

*****BONUS Magic Spell for those women who are excessively Foreplay Resistant*****

 

 
  • Why don’t you go shopping, My Sweet, while I build that Gazebo you’ve been wanting?  Nothing says I love you like building materials and nothing gets a woman ready faster than a home improvement project.  This Magic Spell works so well that she’ll even overlook your plans to play golf on her birthday.  Yes, it’s THAT powerful.
 

Now I know that when you discover how well these Magic Spells work, you’re going to want to flood my Tippem account with your monetary gratitude.  No need to do that.  Your thanks is good enough.  Of course, if you happen to father any female children, may I suggest that Lisa is a really nice name?

  

*Sadly, I have personal experience with this one, but my husband didn’t use the Magic Spell.

 

 

 

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deliver any of these with a brownie with a candle in it and a glass of red wine, and she might actually want to play Princess Leia Slave Girl of Jabba with you.
Delia - Thank you!

Sandra - Thanks! I forgot all about role-playing, and your choice sounds like a winner.
Hilarious! Did you ever see the book, "Porn for Women" or something like that? Very similar concept. All photos of men doing lovely household chores while smiling seductively. I was flipping through it laughing in a bookstore while my nineteen year old daughter watched, horrified, until she saw the pics and then she said, "That book is so right, isn't it, Mom?" yep.

great post
This is valuable information, Lisa. You could make a fortune on the net with a website like AskLisaHowItsDone.com or something like that. Although I've never been married, I can tell you that men are a dumb as a stone about such matters. I've witnessed a lot of carnage over the years and believe you can help a lot of marriages with your wise love potions and your sexy spells.
Waking - I haven't seen that book but it sounds like I should look for it. Hmmm...just imagining what will come up if I Google "Porn for Women"...

Larry - No harm intended. My husband cleaned up the kitchen once and I told him that I considered it foreplay. I'm just trying to share the wealth, know what I mean?

Michael - I love your website name. I wonder if that domain name has been taken yet? Maybe you haven't been married yet but soon some lucky woman is going to snap you up and then you'll be happy I posted this. :)
I did all this and my wife still left me. So now I kinda wish I hadn't.
LandP - Oh, that I'll Find Us An Apartment and Pack While You Nap one is tough. Not all men react to it. Taking a cue from Sandra, maybe if you dressed up like Princess Leia and served him a plate of eclairs while saying it you'd have better luck?
Lisa, I already copied and filed this one for future reference. I'm patiently waiting for Mrs, Right to come along, but I'm growing a little long in the tooth.
Vac - I'm sorry about your wife, but good housework is never wasted. I'm sure the next woman will be more appreciative.
Right. The next one....
That old black magic has me in its spell, that old black magic that you weave so well.
Those icy fingers up and down my spine
That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine.
The same old tingle that I feel inside, and then that elevator starts its ride
And down and down I go, round and round I go....

I'm diggin' it!
A couple more that have worked for me:

Bring in an armload of firewood when you come back from walking the dog

Brush teeth right before bed

rated for chuckles
oh, lord, lisa. i've heard thsi mantra several times on oprah, but you've illustrated it beautifully here!!! if only men would actually pay attention. i had no libido but if a man cleaned my apartment for me, i'd haul out the old garter belt and go to town! love love love and rated for wonderfulness.
Damn. To think, I did/do some of these things w/out cashing in!

Fun post, Lisa. Did you ever hear Bill Cosby’s classic bit on what happened when his wife had some domestic requests for him?
Dang, if I have to go through all that to get lucky, I think I'll keep paying for it.

Does anyone here do outcall?
Am giving this to my son as an example of a funny essay. (But want him to heed the lessons!) Another winner, Lisa.
Try this one guys: Bring a massage therapist to the house and while she is having her body "prepared" for the foreplay, make a romantic dinner for her. As you pour the wine or champagne, tell her you're going to have her for dessert. That would work for me.
Oh Lisa. I'm afraid I'm so much easier than that. My love and I snuggle on the couch--damn how the house looks--and snuggling frequently turns to loving. I'd much rather love than spend the day cleaning the house and being too tired. But it does require a certain tolerance for "mess."
:)
Vac - Of course, the next one. You're not going to just give up, are you?

MAWBlogging - Perfect! If I had any tech-y capabilities, I'd try to embed that song here.

Roy - Outdoor labor always works, but I can't help but laugh about brushing teeth.

Monte - Thanks for stopping by!

Teddy - Your garter belt comment cracked me up. :)

David - See? That just proves you're a great guy. Now next time, remember to collect! Thanks for the Bill Cosby clip. Too funny!
Catnlion - You can continue to pay if you want to, but these will get it for you for FREE. See? I'm saving you money.

Lea - Thank you for the compliment. I hope your son (and his lady) enjoy it.

cartouche - Wow, that might even be better than the gazebo...

FLW - Now that's what I admire; a woman with her priorities in order. I'm guessing that you probably don't fall into that "Foreplay-Resistant" category.
Great, valuable information here, Lisa and funny also. I hope all men take heed and follow your advice! Good post!
Pamela - Thank you for stopping by. :)
Agreed Lisa. The key to longevity in a marriage is simple. Share in the duties and communicate. That's it. One sentence. Rated
I always said the single most erotic thing a man could do was unload the dishwasher without being asked first. I wouldn't let him near the laundry, it was a sad story that almost warrants its own post.
I am so glad OS has the email function because guess who's going to find this in his inbox! I loved this post!!
put another log on the fire
cook me up some bacon and some beans
pour me another cup of coffee
then come and tell me why you're leavin' me
The above is Willie Nelson. Just popped into my head as I read the post.
Excellent!! Great ideas.. I loved the bonus one the best, I want the gazebo and shop at Bass Pro..
These actually probably would work if the guys did it. Oh and a man that really does laundry it is a turn on..LOL
This is kinda sad.....my husband just walked off without reading the whole thing!! He said "synopsize it for me" as he went off to wash his bicycle tire in the shower. I too, am emailing.
I read this post about 16 years too late. Maybe it would have saved my marriage... h'mm...
Add in "See, honey, I clipped my toenails before you told me that they looked like corn chips and/or asked if I needed them to climb trees and ward off predators" and you're good to go...
and Lisa, you were smoking what when you wrote this? I can see the men ROTFL. Great post. Big smiles.
Blue - So that means you endorse my advice? Sweet!

Mrs. Michaels - Yes, a man unloading the dishwasher...now that's HAWT!

Jess - I hope he appreciates the helpful suggestions. :)

Jimmy - Willie Nelson said it much better than I ever could. Thanks.

Fireeyes - Oh, these definitely work. Nothing's sexier than a helpful man. Nothing!

Katina - Hmmm...Your husband sounds like a tough case. He might need some brownies thrown in.

Mr. Mustard - It never hurts to file the information away for the next woman, you know.

Leeandra - You are a total hoot, girl. Toenails like corn chips? Oh, yeah, THAT gets me ready.

Mary - Smoking? Moi? Actually, it's cold medicine. Or maybe oxygen deprivation from this stuffy nose. And I couldn't sleep. It was a fun night.
Great post, Lisa. Your writing just keeps getting better and better.

And I loved Sandra's comment, too. Add chocolate, candles and red wine to any equation, and things start looking up.

My guy is very helpful around the house---but only for particular things. He does the dishes each night and unloads the dishwasher each morning---and brings me coffee in bed each morning. Okay, so he's a Prince--but my favorite thing is that he pampers the cat, feeds him, gives him fresh water, builds him a fire when it's cold---and this is the cat that will not give the man the time of freaking day. I find it so endearing that the man cares, regardless.
Mrs. Michaels and I are on the same page. "Honey I emptied the dishwasher" has long been foreplay in our house. And how did Sandra know he came home with a box of brownies for me last night?

Great post, always love truth delivered with humor. But WATCH OUT! Step away from Google... Porn for Women yeilded me more info than is healthy for anyone.
All of these ideas are better than: "That VeggieTales video is only a half-hour--we'd better be fast!"
This is clever, well constructed and fun. It also makes me delightfully happy to be single. (Actually, I am divorced so I am not speaking out of ignorance.) Rated.... for the fun factor.
Ha ha! This is so true.
I hope this is a tongue-in-cheek piece, because if it's not, this is horrible. Any good man does these things already. I do most of the cooking/cleaning, and I have the longer commute to work. This plays into the old "men vs. women" fight, and I find it not only cliche but poorly written as well. How about putting together something interesting about sex and relationship instead of the same, tired claptrap.
If this is too strenuous for guys, try this one: "Tell me about your day. How'd it go?" And then listen attentively without interrupting and stare adoringly into her eyes the whole time as if this is more fascinating than Sports Center.
m.a.h. - It sounds like you've gotten yourself a good one. Enjoy! Thanks for your kind words.

Sally - Oh yes! I didn't try it but I just KNEW that Googling "Porn for Women" would simply lead me to that book that Wakingupslowly mentioned. :)

JK - I'm laughing about the massage becoming all about them when they reach the area past the shoulders. Too funny!

AustinCynic - I remember those days; trying to fit romance into the length of a Barney video.

Harp - Wow! Thank you so much!

Cindy - Sounds like you've got a great guy, too.

Scruffus & merwoman - Thank you for stopping by!

Jason - I'm sorry that you missed that this is supposed to be humor. If you need real advice, maybe you should check out Dr. Phil. As far as your comments about my writing, all I can say is that I look forward to reading your first piece. Maybe you can show me how it's done.

Silkstone - Yes, that IS great advice. A man who listens is totally sexy.
"The only vision more arousing is a man with a mop and $100 dollar bills pasted all over him."
Yup, that would do it for me! I've never been one to care much about what the house looks like, as long as there's nothing growing, rotting, or congealing. Still, it's really nice when a guy acts like he's actually sharing a home with you by taking some ownership of the necessary chores. Rated!
ikilledhiswife - Thank you for getting the humor and for also getting the fact that being true partners in a relationship is best for intimacy. By the way, there's got to be an interesting story behind your name!

Barrie - I appreciate your comments, but please understand I was in no way trying to "deepen the wounds" from assigning certain roles to men or women. I adore men and this is not meant to be a criticism of them. If you'll notice, I also wrote about women being reluctant to participate in sex. I'm poking fun at both genders.

This was supposed to be a humor piece. It's not meant to be overanalyzed nor studied too deeply. It's not intended to replace professional help within a relationship. My point is all about making it easier for women to get in the mood. If men enjoy seeing women wearing pretty underwear, then why can't women enjoy seeing their men being helpful? Intimacy is always more enjoyable when it's approached as an equal partnership, however, what works for him may not be the same as what works for her.

Thank you all for stopping by. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Well done Lisa... There's only one I would add: a nice massage! :)
nothings more hot than my own slab sexy reading to the kids, or helping with the homework. i like the vaccuuming done shirtless, please. and oiled down.
vuntervul, darlink.
Ah...too bad I didn't have these tips to share with the bastard before I kicked him out. (that was cold...sorry)
For the plan to work more than a time or two, I think it's important (a) genuinely to love your wife rather than just pant for sex, thinking of her as the least potentially complicated way of getting some; (b) establish a regular pattern of being helpful, as an expression of love; (c) do stuff like what's on the list regularly, not as manipulative strategy, but as an expression of commitment to full partnership; (d) treat the list, not as a recipe, but as examples of an underlying principle, which you can find your own relevant and creative ways of realizing; (e) remember, not to take it for granted that your love persists, but to demonstrate that love with occasional romantic specialness. [Disclosure: I have a Y chromosome. I stand up to pee, but I always raise the toilet seat and then lower it when I flush so that my wife won't be at risk of sitting in the water.]
In my experience, both genders are guilty of taking what their partners do for them for granted.

My ex didn't care if she had a full time live in nanny and a cleaning lady. She didn't care that I got up at night with her to help with the twins. Her reality was that she was getting the short end of the stick.

This didn't manifest itself through the denial of sex, because she wanted that too! I will spare the rest of the details.

This isn't about being angry at the stereotype you cast. Nor do I have any difficulty observing the attempt at humor. What I do have an issue with is, people that are unable to see that the issues you have written about have a more serious side.

Cooking, cleaning, laundry and listening may cure "over the counter" marital issues. Other marital issues require prescriptions.
By your yardstick I'm due for a ton of past-due lovin.
Anyone else find it amusing that Larry characterizes these tasks as "[being] a slave" when these are things that wives do, day in, day out, whether they work outside of the home or not? And women don't expect sex for it. Yes, it IS profoundly sexy when the man in my life recognizes that I'm a person, like him, not a slave who enjoys cleaning up puke at 2 AM and that he should do some of those not very enjoyable chores too. So, Larry, here's your sign.

And you're right, Lisa, home improvements warrant not just sex, but extensive oral sex or whatever kinky fetish role play he desires. To bad it's taken 15 years for him not to figure this out.
Every time I fold clothes I get a lecture on how I fold them "wrong."
Works for me everytime. ahhhhhhhhh
Ah oh, in fact he is vacumming right now...

Look who is getting lucky soon.
seven little words:

"let's hire somebody to clean the house."
Sorry, Lisa, I think Grif sets you straight on this one. First off, no where do I see anything about little plaid skirts and schoolgirl outfits.

Second, how is this sorry excuse for a man going to make love to you after you cut his BALLS OFF?

Oh, sorry Lisa, Cap'n was out of line. Cap'n should be spanked...
Lisa, I read and followed your advice. I demand a refund. Still the missionary position, the only improvement was she didn't eat an apple this time or ask me what I thought about the ceiling color. I was so hopeful too.
This is sweet and funny and trenchant and really, really depressing. Tell me you're just kidding?

As a disinterested-but-by-no-means-uninterested bystander in the war between the hetero sexes, I can't help but read these sorts of prescriptions as "When you're in the mood for love, all you have to do is..." pay. Worse, the required currency is so various as to represent a puzzle to be solved afresh for each transaction, and it's always the guy who pays.

Your excellent hyperbole and my giggles aside, the assumptions here seem to be that male desire is so ubiquitous and nonspecific as to be intrinsically worthless to women. The implication is that women's desire consists primarily of OCD environmental issues to which men must pander or go elsewhere.

Did it start out like this? Do the males court the females not by displaying their magnificent plumage but showing off a freshly scrubbed toilet? If I told friends I'm mad for my partner because of his terrific gazebo, no one would assume I was talking about the back yard.

Something in me dies at the thought of living with someone who wants a clean floor more than me.

I fear for y'all. You sound doomed. Say it ain't so.
I'd settle for a backrub, but doing my chores, yup, that is pretty hawt. Now if I could just find someone to write papers for me and follow me around to correct me before I make a mistake or drop something.
Nice, Lisa. I always thought there's nothing sexier than a man doing dishes, but all your other suggestions are great too.
I duuno. There is something about a man bribing me with this kind of thing that turns me off, really. It reminds me of the "I took you to Chez Brasserie and spent $150 - cos I want sex." method of foreplay.

You want to give me foreplay? Give me safety, security, stability and comfort. Then we'll talk about foreplay.
Sorry for the delay in responding. I'm dealing the Cold From Hell today.

Screamin' Mama - Massages seem to be a popular for foreplay here today. :)

Rosie - Well oiled? Sweet!

deepcleav.31 - Please tell him it's humor; a lot of guys are missing that key element today and I don't want to be responsible for causing any marital problems!

j lynne - I'm thinking that if you had to kick him out, these tips probably wouldn't have helped. Thanks for stopping by just the same.

Scarabus - Wow! If you are married, your wife must be one lucky woman. Mutual respect goes a long way in making a relationship a happy one.

sg2292 - While this was ONLY meant as a humorous piece, I do understand that lack of respect and taking advantage of another person goes both ways. There are plenty of women out there who have great guys and yet do not treat them well. Please understand that this really is meant to be comedy. Nothing more. I would never attempt to minimize serious relationship issues, and I apologize if you felt that's what I was doing here.

Ramesh - I think that there must be some cultural differences between you and I. In the US, men and women are equal. I would hope that men and women both would realize that this piece is meant to be humorous and nothing more.

Mr. E - :)

Mary - THANK YOU! You get it. Women do all of this stuff every day, without expecting anything. If a man were to offer to do any one of these things as a gesture of kindness, I doubt that there's a woman alive who wouldn't be especially appreciative of his help.

Daniel - Now that's just wrong. If you're good enough to pitch in and help, she should be gracious enough to appreciate your efforts without being critical.

888Jubilee - Yes! It works!

furgarden - Hiring a housecleaner would solve most of the housework, but what about dog barf and baby poo and home improvements?
Cap'n - No ball-cutting here, my friend. Just having a little fun. I'll let Mrs. Cap'n know you've been a baaaaaad boy. :)

Spud - Hey, putting the apple down and not discussing paint colors is a big step, don't you think? Surely my advice was worth something. Try the gazebo one next time, OK?

Bryan - Of COURSE I'm kidding! This is supposed to be comedy. I know that love and sex is based on more than just housekeeping and home improvements. I'll tell you something, though...if you were to offer one of these to a woman whose just been up three nights in a row with a sick kid, she's going to think you walk on water. Never underestimate the power of kindness.
Julie - What? No gazebo? You must be easy. :)

Nora - You mean actually washing the dishes? Without a dishwasher? I feel all tingly!

Kris - No bribing intended. All of these are things that most women do all the time anyway. All I'm saying is that if a man were to offer to take some of this burden away from her, she'd probably be very grateful. Some women, like me, might even feel amorous.
sorry. i don't get it.
been there...tried those... have the ex wife to disprove them.
Well, we are in our forty eighth year of marriage, and we get along just fine. But I did buy a Roomba robot to vacuum and a Scooba robot to wash a year ago. As I am mechanically inclined and she isn't, she is very receptive should I say while these robots do their things.
Ben - Don't think too hard about it. It was supposed to be funny.

Brian - I'm sorry. I wish I could talk to these women who have guys who are helpful yet fail to appreciate them.

gene786 - Wow, 48 years? Congratulations! I think that sales of Roombas and Scoobas are about to increase dramatically. :)
Wow, Lisa I think this is one of the best pieces of fiction you've done at OS. ;)
Lisa, I can so relate to how this thread is evolving, you have NO idea... here's mine from waybackwhen in beta... the comments, oh, the comments.... Sex and Relationship Tips.
OES - At least you didn't mistake it for a therapy session! :)

Sally - Oh my! I just got back from your post. Wish I'd seen it before I posted this one. Where's Liz? I'm wondering now about the "generational" argument. Maybe I'm just old and looking at this from a different perspective than everyone else. Thanks for showing up just when I needed you. XOXO
Isn't sex wonderful? I could go weeks without having sex, but my husband "NEEDS" it every day. I can't help but capitalize on it. What red-blooded woman wouldn't? Sometimes, when I give blood, I feel kind of bad when you come to the question about "Have you ever traded anything for sex?" because I have- with my husband, so you know it's not that bad. I've traded cleaned floors, loads of laundry, sleeping in while he feeds the baby, cards, flowers, date nights, new clothes... I mean it's never been outright (well, a couple of times it has, but it's always been in good fun), but it's sort of a "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" situation. He has his needs, I have mine. And I definitely need the floor mopped and 100 dollar bills.

Actually I'm working on something right now....(mwahahahaha) Husband just cleaned up after the kids went to bed. If I go give him a blow job now on the couch, he'll learn to associate blow jobs with cleaning up...10 minutes of my time for a clean house? Thank you very much, sir.
Oh, wait, you were joking? :-)

I guess I'm sort of joking, but sort of not. It's about meeting needs. Sex is a need. I have needs too, my needs are just different. When you meet my needs, I am more inclined to meet yours. What's wrong with that?
Holly - Thank you, you brave girl, for wading into this fray so openly and honestly. In my opinion, if it works for you and your husband, then there's nothing wrong with it. It sounds like your relationship is based upon respect so you must be doing something right.
Happy to provide support, Lisa. As you can see, you can't please everybody and on this subject some people can't see humor. Maybe it's generational, maybe it's personal issues/perspective.

Here's what I learned: as long as we keep stressing mutual respect along with humor, let the naysayers say nay ... they have a right to their opinions but are far outweighed by those who understand we are poking just as much fun at ourselves.
I'm just very very very very very very very very very very tired of man bashing. My mind is very clear on the subject.
and telling me not to "think to hard" given that I'm a man, and coming from someone whose just written a post that makes my sex sounds like a bunch of idiots, doesn't work to well either.
I definitely think we have a relationship based on respect. It's just I know he's a sucker for sex and I'm a sucker for flowers, cards and dinner and a movie. For example, last December my husband, the amazing man that he is, organized this whole surprise extended weekend in the mountains. He set up who would watch the kids, hotel reservations, the whole works. I'm really into the fiber arts, and that man went with me to so many knitting/spinning shops while we were up there when it's really not his thing. He really made the effort to spend time with me doing something he knows I enjoy. Well, I definitely showed my appreciation (wink, wink). It all worked out very nicely and we had just an absolutely lovely weekend enjoying each other's company in the mountains. I don't see how that's degrading to men (all of you naysayers). Besides, I don't know who has been more successful at the "behavior modification"- me or him. (And that's a joke, because no one is really coerced into doing anything.)
I've done these. To little effect. These tips may work for some people. The problem is that they SCREAM "Let me be your castrated servant while you not think of me as a man." Sadly there are some females who can hardly think beyond their own problems.
Ben - NO NO NO!!!!! I have no intention of male bashing and I'm terribly sorry if you think that's what this is. I LOVE men! I would never want any man to feel that this is bashing. Not at all. All I meant by saying "don't think too hard about it" was to take the content on the surface; straight forward, without trying to read into it. Truthfully, it turns me on when my husband is helpful. That's it. Nothing more. I deeply regret if you or any other men were offended by this. Everyone has their own ideas of what's hot. This is mine. Honest, Ben...I only meant it to be funny. If it's any consolation, I now have a better understanding of how men feel when no answer they give their wives is the right one. I'm feeling that way right now.
Sao Kay - Oh thank God that at least some people get that this is supposed to be humor! Thank you. :)

Sally - Thanks again, girl.

Holly - thank you for sharing your perfect examples of "give and take" within your own marriage. How can anyone find anything wrong with that? It's mutually respectful and win-win for both parties.

Dantalion - I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying that to EVER help your wife makes you feel like a castrated servant? Again, it's all about mutual respect. Each person should take care to make sure that the other person is treated respectfully. It's no less wrong for a woman to take 100% of the time than it is for a man.
I know it's an attempt at humor, but it's not funny to me at all. Sort of like a boss telling an employee, "Hey, go wash my car maybe I'll be nice to you. Haha!"

Sometimes what one writes doesn't match what one intends - but it still can do damage.
This is the funniest thing by far i've read in weeks Lisa! You wicked girl, you have me laughing out loud at every poor man desperate enough to try these. And yes, guys, you WILL get laid after building the gazebo, at least if i may extrapolate from personal experience.
Hmmm... over ten years of marriage I did ALL of the things you suggested and sex dwindled down to an average of 1.2 instances per week. If I wanted to get my wick dipped, I'd mix up some strawberry margaritas and put fresh batteries in the vibrator. A trip to the produce aisle may not be something I'd mention here on OS. Made her dinner, fed her strawberry margaritas... foreplay is a lifestyle. Even then results are not guaranteed; your mileage may vary.
So great. Can I give you my husband's email address so you can send him this link?
This is absolutely perfect and quite true.. men with vacuums are HOT!

I swear this is true.. it's seems to have become a complex level of clearing a nest for us in the modern world.. any of these things.. building for us, cooking, cleaning..

of course I think these work mostly for the assertive woman, and not the passive woman (who needs to be dominated), .. but its definitely right for me.

Brilliant.
i think you wrote a funny post. it's hard to be married (and i say that, being married to my best friend!) and it requires constant renegotiating of the distribution of labor. no one likes to feel unappreciated and i feel like that's what this post is really about. to the guys who have come to complain about lisa kern's insensitivity to men (and maybe australians are more enlightened than americans, so i'm giving barrie the benefit of doubt)... this conversation did not just begin. check out the jokes on this wedding page about weddings, and ask yourself... is it usually the groom reading those pages (mine didn't)? how do you think the bride likes the notion that she wears white so the dishwasher matches the refrigerator? i actually heard that joke before i got married a few years ago. i admit i laughed.
http://www.sarasotawedding.com/jokes/
Excellent suggestions!

Actually almost any activity more other-oriented than sitting on the couch watching TV lights my fuse.
You definitely have something there Lisa. If I am out in front of my house doing nothing much, or fetching something out of the car, I am invisible to women. If I am digging a hole, building a wall, or otherwise looking like a Really Useful Male, every damn woman in the neighborhood smiles at me as they go by.
I've had a hard time responding to comments on this thread because it seemed like I just couldn't explain myself well enough to satisfy some people. My lack of response isn't fair to those people who did enjoy this piece, though. Rather than ignore all comments, I'm going to accept that there are some people who simply either did not understand my humor, or who just didn't like it.

Harry - I regret that you feel hurt.

Nada - It's great to see you here, girl. I'm glad that you enjoyed this piece.

Gordon - Dinner (prepared by you) and margaritas? That is definitely foreplay in my book!

Faith - :)

Victoria - You might be right. Perhaps helping to build the nest triggers something loving in women. Thank you for stopping by.

bstrangely - Thank you! That wedding site sure has some good laughs on it.

vonnia - Yes! And to think that some men feel we're difficult. :)

GeeBee - Thank you for helping to prove my point. Nothing is sexier than a helpful man. I appreciate your comments.
Fantastic post! And over 100 comments! This IS something, congratulations!
Marcela - I appreciate your kind words. :)
Such an enjoyable article, Lisa! Your reply is right Lisa, an article not to be over-analyzed, guys! (but real tips there, too!) Dr Phil won't be needed. I like your comment Lisa that if a woman is attractive in certain undergarments, can a man not be attractive in a certain set of "surroundings" that allow me to take several deep breaths over a period of 1-2 two blissful hours? My husband gets about the first half of your list done and I don't need more. That's plenty and I turn into a new person. If he stopped, eeeeek, we'd all be uncomfortable! Since we assigned the kids as much as we think we can, mostly it feels more like he loves me when he does chores. Problem is his usual chores takes longer, he takes longer helping me, and I don't do "his chores" to fix house, car, computers. So when I say a small help is all I need, it's for those reasons. But I need that small help just about daily!
Alysse - Nice to see you again! Thanks for the nice comments and for finding the intended humor in this piece.
I'm a bit confused.
Does this work on the premise that women trade sex for chores, and feel obligated to put-out if a guy does their work for them? Seems like a pretty old school train of thought...

I guess you might be right, though... I remember seeing a video from the View that said women use sex as a tool along those lines, but I can't seem to find a link to it now.