The Frustrated Father's Guide to Fool-Proof Foreplay
This one’s for the guys; those underloved, underappreciated guys.
Can we talk? I promise I’ll be quick and won’t ask you to call me in the morning. Besides, this is a subject I know you’re interested in: S. E. X. Surely you remember SEX; the kind that involves a certain woman to whom you’d committed long before the children came along and before those spontaneous amorous moments were banished to her Happy Place during Lamaze class.
I know what you’re going through. Yes I do. You’re desperately in need of some lovin’ from your woman but she keeps turning you down. Night after night, it’s always the same excuses: “I’m too tired,” “I can’t get the baby to sleep,” or “I’d rather watch Letterman.” Talk about rejection! Letterman isn’t even having anyone good on as a guest.
I hear your sad frustration, my friend, but I promise you that your lonely nights are coming to an end. You see, I’m going to let you in on something that only women know about. They’re called The Secrets to Fail-Proof Foreplay. I guarantee that my advice will have her forgetting all about Letterman and her 396th headache and thinking only of how fast she can jump your bones.
Whenever you’re in the mood for love, all you have to do is repeat the following Magic Spells exactly as I have them written here:
- Why don’t you sit on the couch and rest, My Angel, while I fold the white clothes? Nothing screams Sexy more than a man who does laundry. I know you’re thinking that it’s too easy, but trust me; she won’t be able to control herself.
- Honey, I’ve cleaned up the kitchen. For this one to work, you have to make sure that you actually did clean up the kitchen, but this investment in time will yield big dividends in the bedroom.
- You sleep, My Darling. I’ll get up with the baby tonight. Yes, she’s sleep-deprived but you won’t be love-deprived. This will have her falling in lust with you all over again.
- Hey, Beautiful, why don’t you sit down and read while I help Junior with his school project? - Depending upon the project, say, if it’s a medieval commoner’s costume complete with Medieval Beef Tart (preferably gluten-free, dairy-free, and peanut-free) the week before Christmas*, you can conceivably get lucky several times in a row for this one. This Magic Spell is only for the strongest or most desperate among you but the results will exceed your wildest dreams.
- You work so hard, My Love. Why don’t you let me vacuum the living room? Oh, the sight of a man with a vacuum cleaner! The only vision more arousing is a man with a mop and $100 dollar bills pasted all over him. Vacuuming the living room will only take you 15 minutes, but all of that loving will last much longer.
- Look, Dear, I’ve mopped the kitchen floor. These $100 dollar bills are for you! Yeah. It’s that good.
- Junior’s had explosive diarrhea? Here, Sweetheart, let me take care of it. This one requires a strong stomach but is guaranteed to work on even the most Foreplay-Resistant women.
- Hey Sugar Plum, how about we take your mother out to dinner on Sunday? This one is tricky. It only works for women who actually enjoy spending time with their mothers. Make sure you do the research ahead of time. If she groans and rolls her eyes every time her mother calls, it’s probably not the best one to try.
- While you sit and relax, Baby, I’m going to clean the bathroom. This one is a guaranteed winner. In fact, it will earn you bonus sex if you happen to have boys who use the bathroom. We all know the trouble that boys have getting the pee into the toilet bowl instead of on the seat.
- Why don’t you take a nap, Dearest, while I weed the flower garden? Try this one in the summer when the August humidity causes her hair to frizz and those hairy Wolf spiders are out in full-force. Helloooo, Love Machine!
*****BONUS Magic Spell for those women who are excessively Foreplay Resistant*****
- Why don’t you go shopping, My Sweet, while I build that Gazebo you’ve been wanting? Nothing says I love you like building materials and nothing gets a woman ready faster than a home improvement project. This Magic Spell works so well that she’ll even overlook your plans to play golf on her birthday. Yes, it’s THAT powerful.
Now I know that when you discover how well these Magic Spells work, you’re going to want to flood my Tippem account with your monetary gratitude. No need to do that. Your thanks is good enough. Of course, if you happen to father any female children, may I suggest that Lisa is a really nice name?
*Sadly, I have personal experience with this one, but my husband didn’t use the Magic Spell.