Lisa Kern

Lisa Kern
Location
Pennsylvania, US
Birthday
March 28
Bio
I'm a mom of three boys, a needy dog, and an insolent cat. When I'm not writing, vacuuming up pet hair, or cleaning pee off the toilet seat, I like to fantasize about jeans that actually fit and an all-you-can-eat-chocolate-and-cheese diet. Welcome to my party.

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Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 1, 2009 2:57PM

Dieting and Dangerous Underwear

Doesn't the damn thing say anything else? 

 

I’ve been on a diet ever since I was in third grade.  I’m not exaggerating.  In an example of stellar parenting, my parents decided to put me on a diet because they felt I was fat.  I guess they wanted to beat the crowds and get an early start/… Read full post »

DECEMBER 30, 2008 8:33AM

How Open Salon Cured My Mid-Life Crisis

 

It hit me like a freight train; this feeling that half of my life was over and I still had not accomplished even a fraction of what I’d hoped.  Inadequacy plagued me constantly, exacerbated by accomplished friends from my past finding me online.  Their successes made my own lif/… Read full post »

Today's list features a number of newer writers as well as some who seem to drop off the activity feed too quickly.  I hope you'll discover a new favorite or two of your own.  As always, please feel free to submit your own treasures.  I don't know how the OS Editors do… Read full post »

And now for something completely different...

Recently, MoniqueC posted a wonderful list of 25 Things about her in response to a request she'd received on Facebook.  Apparently, Sally Swift had done a similar post using 10 things back in the summer. 

Since I'm tired of looking at my fa… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 25, 2008 10:35PM

Christmas Expectations vs. Reality

Pop and Evan, when Pop still loved us  

 

When will I learn?  These days, when it comes to you, I have to accept that you will disappoint me.  People tell me, pretend he is dead, yet I keep hoping that this will be the year when it hits you, when you confront the mistakes that you’ve made/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 21, 2008 8:39PM

Ice Storm Photos

These are some photos that I took today after the ice storm.  I am no photographer, but the ice was so thick on everything that I couldn't resist grabbing the camera.

ice on a privet bush 

Ice on a privet bush loaded with berries

 

bird bath coated with ice 

No birds will be taking a bath in here anyRead full post »

You know how it is.  You write the words, putting your heart and soul into them.  You check for typos, proofread again, and then once more.  You preview your beautiful post-baby, and then hit that "publish" button, sending your pride and joy out into the Open Salon world.  You wai… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 15, 2008 9:37AM

Love: It's Elementary

a heart that Evan found in the end of a navel orange Nov 2008

 

My 8-year-old son is a bit of a ladies’ man.  With friendliness and a constant smile, I’ve always suspected that girls would find him irresistible.  One day last winter, my thoughts were confirmed.

 

I heard the school bus groan to a stop out front of our hous… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 12, 2008 8:14AM

Hello, Sir. May I Assist You With Your Final Needs?

In thinking of a worst job ever, telemarketing is frequently mentioned.  Just imagine, though, if the item that you’re attempting to sell over the telephone was something that the customer wouldn’t even be alive to use.  Yes, folks, it's true.  I once had a job as a telemar/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 4, 2008 10:49AM

Channeling the Dog Whisperer: Madame Cujo Goes to the Vet

 

My dog Shelby (affectionately known as Madame Cujo) has more than her fair share of unlovable traits.  In addition to her fear-aggression issues, she’s also a barfer.  I don’t do barf.  As soon as someone in the house announces that they feel nauseous, I give them a/… Read full post »

DECEMBER 2, 2008 10:17AM

We're In A Recession? You're Kidding!

This has got to be the stupidest piece of commentary I have ever heard on the news since Sarah Palin blew into town:  The National Bureau of Economic Research has determined that the United States is officially in a recession.  Not only is “The R Word” official, but apparently w… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 1, 2008 8:55AM

The Wedding Ring

I, take you, to be my lawfully wedded husband,... 

They were childhood friends from The Neighborhood.  She was the youngest of 5 siblings and he was the middle child of 7 siblings.  She was Irish and Catholic.  He was German and Protestant.  Love blossomed anyway on the str/Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 22, 2008 2:11PM

It's A Turkey, Gertrude!

 

Memories have a way of becoming a part of the very fabric of your family.  With each passing year, the stories are told again, giving everyone a chance to relive them.  My husband Dan and I still laugh about this one.

 

It was 1985 and I was 22 year… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 20, 2008 11:53PM

101 Words: The Third

 

I’m late to the 101-Words party.  I’m such a groupie, though, that after reading and enjoying everyone else’s fabulous pieces, I just had to give it a try.  Here’s my offering:  

 

I cursed the results of the amnio test.  With two boys alr/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 20, 2008 8:15AM

Adventures in Bill-Paying (the Recession Edition)

 

It’s bill-paying time again.  What do you do when you have more month remaining than money?  Here’s a nifty little game that I use to help decide whom to pay when there’s just not enough money to go around:

 

1.         FiRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 14, 2008 11:12AM

No One Said There Would be a Testicle Exam!

 

It’s that time of year again.  Time for school physicals.  This year it was Evan’s turn, but nothing can compare to the time I had to take Matt for his 6th grade middle school physical.  

I knew that he had to get at least one shot, and since he suffers froRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 12, 2008 8:39AM

You Want to Go Where After WHAT?!

My kids are the funniest people I know.  The best thing, of course, is that they don’t try to be.  Stuff just comes out of their mouths without much effort.  The downside is that you never know exactly what little verbal gem is going to come spilling out.  

All th… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 10, 2008 11:16PM

I Bought A Flag Today (and it feels good!)

 

As an unwilling participant in George W. Bush’s 8-year epic failure, I’ve lost many things:  my pride as an American, my sense of security, my financial stability, my tolerance of the religious right, and my patience with idiocy.  Of all of the things I've lost, though, n/… Read full post »

I can hear the groans now:  She picked who as the Sexiest Man?  Is she on drugs?  Or did she forget entirely to take her meds today? 

I don’t care what anyone says.  I figure that there are enough people out there to vote for the obvious choices; the George/… Read full post »

Lyrics Meme (Survey) - Getting to Know You

Answer the questions with song lyric quotes.

Who are you?

I'm the next act
waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car
I am all the days
that you choose to ignore
  - Radiohead

Are you male or female?

I'm justRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 7, 2008 10:36AM

They Can Have Shelby!

 

It would be perfect.  The Obama girls are looking for a puppy.  Shelby still behaves like a puppy.  In fact, Miniature Schnauzers remain puppy-like until they are about three years old.  Shelby is only a year and a half.

 

They need a dog that doesn’t shed becaus… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 6, 2008 10:58PM

Purgatory is Found in Sharing a Bathroom with Boys

 

(Or:  My Aim is True, Shouldn't Yours Be, Too?)

 

I live in a household with four males.  I’m used to noise, dirt, salamanders, an assortment of befriended insects, and general mayhem all around.  I’m unfazed by legions of Legos, World of Warcrack, stacks of pro/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 5, 2008 12:45AM

Dispatches from a Voting Machine Operator

Dispatches from a Voting Machine Operator (During the Most Historic Election of All Time) 

I spent all day today working at the polls as a machine operator in a small town in Pennsylvania.  This entailed getting up at 4:00 am and working all day, most of it on my feet, until/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 2, 2008 11:13PM

Mom, I Think I'm Puberating!

 

My twelve-year-old son announced today that he thinks he’s “puberating”.  That’s his own word, by the way, and one of which Merriam-Webster has likely never heard.  He said that he can see some facial hair above his lip and he’s been feeling, well, sort/… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 29, 2008 11:52PM

Watching the World Series with an 8-year-old

I’m not much of a sports fan, but the Philadelphia Phillies have always held a special place in my heart.  I’d just moved to Pennsylvania in 1980, the summer before my senior year of high school.  Of course, I didn’t know anyone in this new state, so I watched a lot o… Read full post »