Go on, admit it.

You've clicked. You love clicking. You'll click anything that moves. You click when you think no one is looking.

But they're looking, trust me. I don't know who "they" are - but your every move is monitored - and what we're fed as news online is entirely based on all that clicking you do. Now more than ever, news decisions by the powers-that-be are based entirely on our basest human responses.

Sex? Yup. Sex + celebrity or politician? Yup. Stupid f-up by a sexy celebrity, politician or priest? Yup. Mucka mucka, yucka yucka. 

BLECH! So. Done. With. THAT!

Recently, I have launched my very own online news boycott. My thinking: If I do not click, then the news may still exist, yes - but those holding the reins to the news kingdom will see I'm not clicking on what they THINK I should, and they may be fooled into believing it's not news.

Because, uh.... You know what? It's not! It's titillating, it's tantalizing, it's totally worthless.

And then, in my plot to recalibrate the world so our intellects once again point north, "they" may begin to report (gasp! dare I say it!) REAL NEWS.

Yeah, right. OK, well, I can dream, anyway. Here are 5 online news stories I won't be suckered into clicking on again. (I mean it!) 

1. RIHANNA & CHRIS BROWN... WHO?

Who are these people? Seriously, I have no idea. I think I clicked a few times, because it seemed they might be news. There was enough copy generated on their altercation and split up to make me think so, anyway.

I still can't figure out for the life of me what either has accomplished (other than being the lithe young woman terribly beaten by her boyfriend, then beaten a second time by a merciless media machine that claims she should be some kind of champion against abuse of women - OR - being the asshole who beat her and had no real career before that I could discern). Is she a singer? Is he an actor? Does it matter?

Verdict: Anti-clickable. I was a fool to have looked in the first place. What kind of idiot am I, anyway? I clicked, I saw, and I still remain clueless - in no way enlightened. And, truth be told, even more disgusted with the celebrity culture of our society. Speaking of which...

2. OCTOMOMMA RAMA

When the Iraq War broke out, I got a lot of flak from friends, and even some family, by putting this message on my answering machine: "Dissent is not sedition, and war is not the solution."

OK, well in a similar vein where Octomom is concerned (does she have a real name? other than her stripper name, "Angelina" - are you KIDDING me? like we didn't see THAT coming?):

Lady: Your stupidity is not my problem. And not my news, either.

Verdict: A 'can't click.' She's getting money and offers and attention for being a ridiculous human being. I have to boycott on principle alone, no matter how much the story makes me cringe, shake my head and want to punch a hole in Chris Brown's wall.

3. 'We're Screwed!' - OR - 'We're Saved!' - THE EQUIVALENT OF FINANCIAL FARTING

"The market's up! No wait, it's down! Beware - the market can go up or down!"

And this is NEWS? These are non-stories designed for click-mania.

Look, if I were on the stock exchange and I wanted to mess with America for fun, I'd call up half of the reporters and say, "Omigosh! Look at this stock future, or look at that economic indicator - we are in for a world of shit!" And then I'd call the other half of journo-bots, and I'd say, "Holy crap, look at this stock future, or that economic indicator, the market is on the rebound!"

Verdict: Unclickable. I believe nothing and no one where the new capitalism is concerned. The market lies every day, and anyone who clicks to read is an eternal optimist, or a worrywart, or a schizozoid mascochist, or all of the above.

4. SARAH PALIN PABLUM

Oh, you maven of media manipulation! You doyen of doable updos! I see from the headlines you have a new book in the works. Don't care. (Channeling my inner George Bush now, friends....) Not gonna read about it. Not gonna click there.

See, there's a million points of light in the world.... But you just can't make me believe any one of them resides in the brainpan belonging to She Who Shall Not Be Named.

Verdict: Non-clickerific. To click is to make her somehow important when he is anything but. She needs to go away now, and become the footnote in history she's fortunate to have ever merited becoming. How is unclear - as is why I ever clicked in the first place.

5. THE CATASTROPHE THAT IS BRITNEY SPEARS

I admit it.... There was a time that this woman's life was like a daily train wreck. I couldn't avert my eyes. I was an avid Britney Internet rubber-necker: She did what to her hair? She's paying what in child support? She did what at the MTV music awards?

I know maybe one song she's sung, and if you offered me $1 million to repeat any of the lyrics, I might be kicking myself in the ass - but I wouldn't be any poorer for the lack of her music in my life.

Generally, I see her as my first click-addiction. I cut her off a while ago - and I feel better every day. I do. I really do. You have to believe me.

Verdict: Clickably toxic. I figure, every time I don't click, she gets to keep more of her personal privacy - and I get another brick on my house in heaven. It's like a good deed, by default. Or maybe not, but I feel better leaving the poor woman alone. And now I can focus on other Internet addictions, like the aforementioned "financial farting" stories that keep me up at night - even when I only read the headlines and never click through.

And, OS friends, if you're writing on any of these issues, please don't take offense.

I just can't click anymore. No medicine can cure me. It's cold-turkey time.

See, I got the steadily depressin', low-down mind-messing online stupid pseudo-news blues.

And I'm here to say.... there's got to be a better way to feed my head. That's my mission. That's my creed.