1. Gov. Sanford's impossible love of "magnificent, gentle kisses." Eww. This is news? Really? Damn, I thought we had about 5 major international crises we were dealing with! But this Argentina thing... well! That's above the fold fodder!

2. Jon + Kate + divorce lawyers beginning to square up. Lemme see: She's the cold, calculating, manipulative woman (what other kind is there) who has monopolized him and the media, but he is hiring the high-powered celebrity lawyer while she keeps it local. The brief teaser copy sums it up. No need to click and read, no interest beyond the bit of misogyny I detect there from time to time.

3. Newsweek's "Why Do We Really Rape and Kill?" Boy, I don't know about you - but that's just not sensational enough for me to open. Like, you know, I'm supposed to relate to this headline or to a humanity that rapes and kills. Outstanding headling writing, that.

4. Brad Pitt's mom likes Jennifer better than Angelina. Well, DUH! Additionally, DUH in general! I like to think of this ongoing uber-coverage of a beautiful couple and his erstwhile mate as strong proof our minds are, in fact, melting to a Hulu fondue goo AND that the world is on the fast track to apocalypse.

5. "Monkey urinates on Zambian president." Friends, I rest my case. Journalism is dying so fast, my head is spinning.