HERE, IN NO SPECIFIC ORDER - AND BASED ENTIRELY ON MY EXPERIENCE OVER THE PAST YEAR or so - are my observations about how to glean the highest ratings and most views on Open Salon as a writer.
1. USE 'SPAMALOT.' Specifically, use it in your title:"Pitbulls in Spamalot," 'Thongs in Spamalot," etc. Wow.... It's unfathomable, but I think it's a given here.
2. F*CK IT. Employ the word "f*ck" in your title - as a verb, gerund or other noun, adjective, etc. Doesn't matter, just use it. Oh, and really spell it out in the title, otherwise it doesn't have the oomph you want. I'm a journalist.... I'm accustomed to the word, inured practically all my adult life. Still, you won't see me use it. But it appears to work, I've found here....
3. BE A SQUIRREL in your profile pic or in your name (using both makes the biggest impact). The Squirrel seems to have been the first. But there are others - a squirrel on a branch (good writer, actually), a squirrel on a bike (same deal). Squirrels sell.
4. FREAKY TROLL ANYTHING. Freakier Troll. Freakiest Troll. Put a troll with pink or blue hair in your profile pic, or use "troll" in your name. You're in like Flint. I haven't seen "Grandma Troll" or "Tricksy Troll" yet, but it's just a matter of time.
5. LIE. Lie your face off. Don't tell one iota of truth in what you write. It gets response, and you get results. (Jocelyn Testes-Harder is a perfect example. Funniest writer around - but I hardly believe anything she writes. Apologies, Jocelyn, if you're telling the truth. If so, I actually love you MORE.)
6. BAIT-N-SWITCH. This is actually NOT unethical here, but clever. Example: "I'm against AIDS on OS!" (But it was about ads.) Or "Cake or Death! (Cake, please!)." But it was about liberty. If it makes you look, and is only tangentially related, well, that's clever. (Note: An unclever bait-n-switch is begging people to never read you again, so I recommend against it.)
7. HYPERBOLE. Go overboard - but stop short of being an ass. People are intelligent enough to "get it." Or, at least, you HOPE. Most of the OS folks here do, anyway, so you can take that leap and get a good result.
8. ANGER. GRRrrr! Get angry! Be pissy in your title! As a rule, people generally don't like pissy people. But somehow, online, snark sells.
9. ANYTHING KERRY. Put Kerry in the headline, you got a winner.
10. ANYTHING JOAN. Put Joan in the headline, you got a winner.
11. ANYTHING KERRY AND JOAN. Put BOTH in the headline, and a plea to save the FUTURE OF OS, and you can count on at least 100 people reading. (I stopped reading these, sorry, friends. Kerry and Joan can only do so much - and OS will thrive regardless of our dire predictions.)
12. CALL OUT ANOTHER MEMBER. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so good. I've seen both. Somehow, when you call out another member in some way - to praise or punish - people read it.
13. FUNNY HEADLINES. Listen, if it makes people laugh, they're going to click.
14. SHOCKING HEADLINES. Seriously, if it's about death or human tragedy or the panoply of awful things humans do to each other, you'll win the readership. They might not read beyond the first line - but you got the "view," the "point" for it in the metrics - and that's got to count for something, right?
15. ENDEARING HEADLINES. "I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!" Like that. Hearts all around, click, clickity click.
16. YELL IN THE TITLE. Can you ever have ENOUGH CAPS? For some, MAYBE NOT.... Observing, a little CAPS can go a long way.
17. AVOID MISSPELLINGS. Unless you want people to think you're unintelligent. Then fire away.
18. RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. But for God's sake, don't sound TOO preachy. If you sound like a librarian, principal, nun or boss, people aren't too happy to continue reading.
19. TROLLISM (not intelligent FREAKY TROLLism). Seem like a troll - then be a nice troll. Makes you look reasonable. People will like that about you here.
20. PHOTOS OF KIDS, OR DOGS, OR AMERICA. These are all big draws.
21. WRITE A GOOD COLUMN. KEEP WRITING 'EM. Trust me: "If you build it, they will come." They always do. That's why OS WORKS.
Did I miss anything? I'm sure I did.... But, friends, that's all I've got time for....
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David Sirota
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Kathy Riordan
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benjamin_the_donkey
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Comments
(I've been back.... Glad to be, missed reading your work!)
(the ever popular "open call" in the tags, even though they're used wrong)
And thanks for the assistance today. :-)
Big difference, unless you're a fundamentalist.
(Clark Summit Freaky Exterminators?)
Titles that ROCK, but get us in TROUBLE!
or
Titles we think will get the most hits on OS!
So much fodder, so few hours in the day....
GREAT POST!!!!
(oops - #16, right? sorry!)
(but i'm still not usin' the f-word)
You're a great writer.... You add a valuable voice here. So glad we were able to chat and get to understand each other better. That's part of what this is all about.
Absolutely, I'm not one to attack.... I see that too often here. This was just a lighthearted observation across the spectrum. What a lovely person you are to address that personally with me.
Warm regards -- I'll be reading you soon!
You left out commneting on comments left on your post one at a time. This helps keep your feed alive, but it makes people wonder if you have a life.
How about #23? Continue to comment on someone's comments to your comments on their post so you can get attention in hopes that someone will visit your post.
#24 (a double dirty dozen). Start a catfight on someone's post. This creates a buzz that will prompt the others to visit the blogs of all the parties concerned to see what the fuss is all about. This works like a nuclear device: think fission.
Neither works for me btw.
Great advice, Lisa.
To use bait ad switch you better have done it cleverly!
Aw heck, this was a great post!
peece and thanks for the post!
dj
What I find interesting (and even amusing, at some level) is that I wrote this list in less than 15 minutes... all off the top of my head, sort of as a lark. I didn't actually mean to say "use these ideas!" In some cases, people are reading it that way, even though I meant them as a tongue-in-cheek en total observation of our little community. But you know what? Perceptions are reality - and, actually, all these ideas have worked for some people.
So use away, haha! If they work, they work - and that's the OS truth!