You tell me. Because from where I’m standing, beautiful feels…HUGE.

You should know I’m slender—some would say ravishing. And I’ve grown only more attractive since I took a class in Calligraphy-slash-Dance. But “grown” is the operative w… Read full post »

1. Somewhere, bonobos are doing it.
2. You can admire my hymenoplasty surgeon’s skills in the bedroom.
3. The government vaccinated one of us.
4. The bad character of my last partner disallows any standards.
5. Since I’ve gone off the Pill, you smell good.
6. I can’t distinguish between what the fos
… Read full post »

I love my apartment, but it’s been four months since I’ve been able to pay the rent. I’m unemployed. But recently it hit me: To get a job and thereby keep the place, I first had to get self-help.
       I traipsed to the bookstore,… Read full post »

We’ve all heard of bad hair days, but what about a bad hair half-day? Or half-hour? You’re going along feeling gorgeous or at least unimprovable, and then—boom—you’re hideous. It happens. I once looked like a rare butterfly for 10 minutes and spent… Read full post »

Ban Gay Marriage or Risk the Comparative Diminishment of Your Happiness

When was the last time you laughed really hard…at someone’s expense? When was the last time you felt really great about yourself…compared to others? How long has it been since you stood f… Read full post »

"I am not one of those people who confuse their genes’ imperatives with their personal goals. O no! Even now," I say, "I do not feel the naked urge to spread my eggs for as many males as possible before I die, but rather just to feel pleasure.… Read full post »

Vampire flares nostrils. Pouts. Sparkles like a unicorn sticker.

Girl flickers eyes. Sighs darkly, possibly remembering that vampires can't simply nibble but must chomp, leaving it to her to do all the kissing.

VAMPIRE (Viciously): I want to look at all of your photos from summer camp. Ever… Read full post »