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Little Kate

Little Kate
Lismore, New South Wales, Australia
September 13
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. ~ Author Unknown


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DECEMBER 13, 2011 12:09AM

David - The Angel I Remember

Rate: 21 Flag

Surrounded by four siblings but, peculiarly, he seemed alone.

He was quiet and unpretentious.   He didn’t want for things or chattels for himself.  Instead, he was giving and kind to others.  A gentler soul you would be very pressed to find. 

He immersed himself in writing, drawing and painting.  As a young boy he crafted his own comics.  As an adult he painted his emotions and undressed his life, layer by layer, in his poems.

He liked to escape to his room.  He didn’t like school or any large gatherings.  He wanted to go unnoticed … be invisible.

But in spite of his yearning to be unseen, David was always there for his family … a sister’s thirtieth birthday; a nephew’s first birthday; to babysit when no-one else would; and to hold a newborn niece in his arms and, very softly, introduce himself.

In his teenage years, David experimented with drugs and developed schizophrenia.  David was in pain.

His father and sister admitted him to the psychiatric clinic one night.  They were in pain too.  Their hearts ached.  They were filled with immense, impossible grief.  They wanted to help him.

His mother was in pain too.  She found it difficult to visit him, be with him.  She feared they would call her a bad mother.

David succumbed to the ill-effects of medication.  His skinny frame now bloated.  His essence faded.  He was lost for a long time.

Slowly he ventured back into his world.  He existed. The supposed ‘real’ world was not a place for which he cared.  The people in that world were cruel – they were cruel to each other, to other living things and to the planet.  He preferred his world.

A few short months had passed when news came that he had been found in a motel room.  He was close to death.  A gas cylinder lay beside him.  His sister rushed to his side and stayed with him for as long as she was allowed.

When he woke, he cried ... silently.  With the ache of grief etched in his face, he wanted to know why they couldn’t just let him go.  He was in such terrible pain.

His mother was in pain too.  She couldn’t visit him.

The merry-go-round went round and round for such a long time.

Eventually, David stopped taking his medication and looked the best he had in many years. One day he bought a car and dropped by to show it off to his sister.  How wonderful it was that David was reconnecting with the world, the 'real' world.

That night, David wrote a poem, left a half-drunk cup of tea on his kitchen table and drove to a lonely track.

David was my brother.  He committed suicide 22 years ago. He was always there for me.  I’m not sure that I was always there for him …. I hope I was.




Cute, snowy-haired child
sprinkles of freckles
gilded face
Tender spirit
meek and mild
Paints a glorious picture of grace

A child of December
The angel I remember

Gentle, this boy
and unpretentious
A quiet achiever
naturally gifted
Imaginative and conscientious
And then he drifted

A boy of December
The angel I remember

Kind and selfless
not materialistic
Boy not boy and man not man
seeking alone
Always seeking
exceptionally artistic
The gentlest of gentle I've known

A son of December
The angel I remember

The poet emerged
and words lingered on lips
and died
feelings buried
Lineage and ties broken

A man of December
The angel I remember

© Kate Little 2010



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Each year, I write in remembrance of my brother on the anniversary of his death. I also write to share just a little of him with those that will never know him. No comments are needed. I know you are here for me and that you care for me. Thank you friends.
It's hard to imagine, had he lived, in six short days he would have been 48. But I will always remember him as he was then, just before his 26th birthday ... a very gentle and sensitive soul ... full of love, kindness and compassion. He never wanted for anything material. He never wanted to hurt a soul or any living creature.

His only wish ... his dream ... was for us ... the world ... to live in love and peace.

Perhaps an idealist ... but, yes, a beautiful dreamer.

These words he held close ...

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

~ John Lennon

PEACE, David.

I love you.
No comments are needed, but many will come. You are too loved here for silence.

And as for your brother, may his special vision come true some day on Earth.

Love to you my friend.
This post was particularly sad for me and hard to read. One of my six children experimented with drugs and struggled for quite a few years. His name is also David. Fortunately for all of us, my David is doing well right now and hopefully will continue doing so. Kate, I'm sorry for the pain and suffering you've been through. The pain never completely leaves does it? I wrote about my son a couple of years ago: http://open.salon.com/blog/i_love_life/2009/05/04/my_son_the_drug_addict
Thank you for sharing your life with us as well as your gifts.....
Thank you, JD ... so very much. He was a special, beautiful soul.
Your writing is so full of love and tenderness for the brother you loved and understood. You exude the essence of his sweetness and intuition. He left this battered existence to get closer to the sun. His brightness shows in your words; his spirit lives in your heart.
so sad kate.
death is terrible but suicide is the worst I think. too many questions. unfinished business. self recriminations. doubts. there's no knowing.

I'm sorry for your loss. truly.
And last year I called you an angel in a blog I did for you. You were his angel.
O, mate.
I wish for you the biggest most furious thunderstorm the mountains can produce & for you to be drenched, electric & mad ~ in the face of the loss, all we can do is dance.
Dance, sis, & scream your love to the sky.
Patricia, I remember you telling me about your David once before. . I am just so glad to know that he is doing well now. Thank you so much for your lovely thoughts. And I will make sure to visit your post too.
The world needs more dreamers! Rated!
Cathy, thank you so much for what you see. I did understand him.

Foolish Monkey, any death is tragic and a great loss but, yes, of those close to me that have died ... living with loss through suicide has been the hardest to reconcile. I understand why he did it ... the reasons are many and complex ... but then there is always this part of me that just wishes he would have stayed. Some might say it was selfish of him ...but perhaps it is just selfishness on my part to have wanted him to stay. I don't know.
Linda ... dear sweet, Linda ... did you know that you're some kind of an amazing angel yourself? I bet you didn't. Well, lovely Linda, I'm here to tell you that you are. Thank you, friend. Much love.
Kim, you are a beautiful, wonderful and sensitive man. (Shhh! I won't tell anyone.)

You know I'm gonna think of you when that electrical storm rips through here before too long. I know it's coming. It's summer here after all. And, yes, when it does ... I'm gonna dance and scream my love ... and my hurt ... to the sky. I will ... 'cause Kim said so ... and I know that you see and feel my heart too. Thank you, mate.
Tink, you made me smile. Thanks! You reminded me too of a song I learnt as a very young girl in school and sang once ... most of the words elude me now but I remember the first verse ...

Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me
Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee
Sounds of the rude world, heard in the day
Lull'd by the moonlight have all pass'd away
Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song
List while I woo thee with soft melody
Gone are the cares of life's busy throng
Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me
Julie! Aww ....

Thank you for that hug, dear Julie! So many friends ... so many smiles they bring. Thank you. Honestly ... : )
This is sad and beautiful. His spirit lives on in you...
Oh Kate,
Somehow I feel this angel’s arms ... wrapping round the one who saw him, who loved him ... who loves him still ... who shares him now with us.
This angel’s arms would now dance with you ... when the storm breaks ... for now love is home ... love given all his life by you ...
This angel ... and another ... the writer here ...
Beautiful tribute Kate, he sounds like a wonderful brother, that loss must be so heavy, the love of a brother is so special. It's a place that can't be filled, I hope writing of him brings back his gentle spirit, just a bit for you tonight.
Kate, David's spirit, his gentle dreams are alive in you and you've shared them with us. He would be relieved to know this, and proud.
The loves for him shines clearly in these words Kate.
I echo Kim.
Dance to celebrate him in the rain.
Yet always remember him well.
He loves you still.
and dance dear friend.
Kate; what can I say except, I understand the longing for peace. I am so sorry dear.r
It is a good thing that we sometimes get to know angels as long as they are among us.
When they have left us,we have something to remember and to look forward to.
Blessed be you and your angel.
Oh, Kate, how heartwrenching. I am so sorry that David took his own life. He was in terrible pain, maybe this world was too much for him. Sending you love and hugs. -Erica
so very beautiful, so powerfuly moving. I love the phrase:
As an adult he painted his emotions and undressed his life, layer by layer, in his poems.
He left you with so much.
A beautiful tribute to a beloved brother. I love that you remember the true essence of his being before it was changed by his illness. And now you hold that in your heart. I wish you a peaceful heart.
May David RIP knowing your heart felt sentiment. Cheers and Happy Holidays!
Patrick, anna1liese, Rita, Matt, Mission, hugs me, Heidi, Erica, yalebno, Rita and Algis ... my apologies for my tardiness in responding but please know the comfort your words and your embraces bring to me is so truly appreciated.

Sincerely ...