I live near a place called Lion Country Safari.  It is one of those wildlife parks where you can drive your car directly into the habitat of giraffes, ostriches, antelope, chimpanzees, lions, rhinos, and lawyers.  Of course certain animals could harm the others, and must be kept separated,… Read full post »

I knew a comedian who claimed that he was the second choice behind Robin Williams to be "Mork" from the hit television show, Mork and Mindy.  This guy was bitter and jealous that the immensely talented Robin Williams went on to fame and fortune while his career went nowhere.

What I… Read full post »

Tired of those same old vacation offers?   Boring tour packages, generic cruises, and phoney eco-adventures.  Then you may be ready for the hottest new vacation fad:  (Simulated) Alien Abduction Vacations.

You give us the date that you wish to be abducted and we take care of the rest.… Read full post »

Timmy Thomas was a child surfing prodigy.  By age eleven, he was the Hawaiian junior champion, regularly beating other surfers two or three years older than him.

One early morning, Timmy was out surfing when a shark bit off his left arm.  Miraculousy, Timmy not only survived, but he was bac… Read full post »

There is a house.

A crapping house,

Where everyone is crapping 

"Jonathan!  Be a dear and go check on grandma" said Jonathan's mom.

Jonathan crept up the stairs hoping to sneak up and scare Grandma into having another heart attack.  This was one of Jonathan's favorite games, besides pl… Read full post »

I yearn for a simpler time when there was a clear delineation between shorts and pants.  Back in the day, if a kid wore short pants to school, he or she was made fun of for wearing "high waters", but there was never any question that "high waters" were pants, not… Read full post »

1. Play the bongoes on your (bare) butt - fast, then slow, then fast...

Hoboken (Ruders)  The United States has stepped up its pressure on Iran to discontinue its program of developing nuclear weapons by demanding that Iran provide U.S. negotiators with "concrete steps" as a sign of good faith.

Iran's chief negotiator, Ali Akbar, was angered and puzzled by this late… Read full post »

My friend Otto works at a funeral home.  I help him out sometimes pulling out the gold teeth.  I've finally saved up enough gold teeth to buy a new car.

I'm nervous about buying a new car.  I hear that all car salesmen are thieves, the kind of crooks that would… Read full post »

"Excuse me sir, but you can't pitch that tent here.  This is private property."

"Do you know who I am? {does not wait for answer}  I am Moammar al - Kadafi, supreme ruler of the sovereign republic of Libya."

"Listen Al.  Even if I was okay with you and your entourage… Read full post »

Tim was just a wee lad when his father, Hawthorne Tangleweed, was killed in a duel with the antiques dealer and Lambertville gang leader, Sebastian Fountainbleu.  A dispute over the value of a rare Hummel figurine is what led to the deadly duel.  Hawthorne, the top man from the notorious Ne… Read full post »

Did you know that eating bologna can lead to eating "harder" and more indigestable deli meats such as salami, smoked ham, corned beef, and the orgasmic pastrami sandwich?  My mom had no idea that giving me a bologna sandwich every day for lunch at school would lead to a hardcore deli… Read full post »

President Obama made his much-anticipated school speech yesterday which turned out to be much ado about nothing.  The Secret Service provided security to ensure that no student threw their "Air Jordans" at the president's head like that dude in Iraq who flung his shoes at Obama's predecessor, Vo… Read full post »

A life-changing conversation between Willie and his seventy-two year old mother.

"Mom.  I've been doing a lot of thinking and ..."

"Don't tell me you joining the circus again Willie.  You know how I feel about those carnival freaks."

"No it's not about any circus momma.  I believe I'm… Read full post »

In a desperate effort not to upstage or overshadow each other, the families of Michael Jackson and Ted Kennedy have tentatively agreed to combine forces for a gala double funeral.

"We refuse to allow this bloated, has-been, politician to take the limelight away from one of the great media events of… Read full post »

According to a new study from the University of Massachusetts, approximately 90% of United States currency has traces of cocaine residue.  Those one dollar bills that you are carrying may be worth a lot more than the face value of the greenback.

Guys, keep that fact in mind the next time… Read full post »

"So you know a guy who knows a guy who delivered a pizza to Nancy Sinatra's house?  You are so full of shit!"

"I shit thee not, mon frere Wolfbanger."

"I hate it when you start talking Australian.  What's his name?"

"Ronnie Barnes."

"Ronnie the burnout Barnes?  He can't even remember… Read full post »

True crime connoisseurs are familiar with the date, December 8, 1963, as this is the day that nineteen year old Frank Sinatra, Jr. was abducted and held for ransom.  The three perps were amateur kidnappers, and even though Frank Jr. was returned unharmed, the kidnappers were lucky they… Read full post »

"It is time for you to stop all of your {twittering}

Yes it's time for you stop all of your {twittering}

Gotta stop {twittering} now

Yeah, Stop it, Stop it

Gotta stop {twittering} now

Copyright Ray Davies, The Kinks (Stop Your Sobbing)

Recently hackers disrupted Twitter's website, disrupting service… Read full post »

                                                  &… Read full post »

Stop the presses!  The government has finally done something right for a change.  Car dealerships are suddenly filled with potential buyers looking to trade in their old gas guzzlers for a credit of up to $4,500.00 toward the purchase of a new, more fuel efficient, vehicle.

For the struggli… Read full post »

"International playboy".  "Black market pistachio smuggler".  "Scumbag extraordinaire".

These were all names that I was known by as I travelled the world breaking hearts and antique lighting fixtures.

I was a fugitive, being pursued by the police, the IRS, and Danny Bonaduce.

I was a n… Read full post »

"I lived a happy life up until that night.  Happy for a gerbil, at least.  I had a really cool habitrail, an exercise machine, plenty of food and water, and humans who would take me out of my cage and play with me."

"Well, there was that one time when they… Read full post »

Dear Howie,

I was dropped off here two weeks ago thinking that I was just depressed.  Now, I have been diagnosed as an obsessive/compulsive, tripolar, codependent, sexual anorexic, sneaker sniffer.  Yes, it was finally time to reveal my fetish with the sweet, pungent aroma of sweaty sneaker… Read full post »