President Obama made his much-anticipated school speech yesterday which turned out to be much ado about nothing. The Secret Service provided security to ensure that no student threw their "Air Jordans" at the president's head like that dude in Iraq who flung his shoes at Obama's predecessor, Voldemort.
I wish I had the Secret Service to cover my back when I was substitute teaching in the Bronx. There were many times when I had to go "Rambo" and tear the roof off the motherfucker to maintain control and salvage what bit of sanity I still retained.
A typical day would start with a refreshing phone call at around 4:45 AM.
"Mr. Little Willie, Did I wake you up?"
"No, Carmella. I was just shampooing the rugs and flea dipping the iguana."
"Are you available for a special education assignment at David Berkowitz Middle School?"
"Well, that all depends on how "special" they are Carmella. Are they as special as the last class I subbed for?"
"You mean the class that burnt down the Wood Shop?"
"Yes. They were a fine example of the future movers, shakers, and arsonists of America."
"This class has two teaching assistants to help you. This will be an easy assignment."
"If the class is so easy, then why do they have two teaching assistants?"
"Be there by 8:15, Mr. Little Willie. Good luck." Click. Dial tone
"Carmella wait a second!!" I try to call her back, but the line is busy.
Okay. It's time to lock and load. "David Berkowitz Middle School" may take me down, but I will take at least one of these bastards down with me.
I take out my camouflage pants and turtleneck. I've learned to protect vital areas such as the groin and the neck. I slip on my "Everlast" groin protector under the pants. I tried wearing the groin protector over the pants one time but the principal thought that I was projecting too much hostility.
The meek may inherit the earth but they make lousy substitute teachers. I eat a garlic bagel for breakfast. The garlic keeps these jokers from getting right up in your face to challenge you.
My role model and imaginary mentor is the drill sergeant from "Full Metal Jacket." These kids are like hyenas, scanning for any signs of weakness, ready to pounce and commence chaos and mayhem.
The two teaching assistants looked shell-shocked. They point out to me the most difficult troublemakers, and let me know that the regular teacher is on a "mental health" medical leave.
The class is milling around, pretending to ignore me, waiting for me to make the first move. I reach in my bag and pull out a Bronx phone book and a Brooklyn phone book. Without saying a word, I slam the two phone books together as hard as I can.
The sound is like an M-80 firecracker. The students are all staring at me, stunned.
I offer to them my best, psychotic, Jack Nicholson face ("Here's Johnny"), and I calmly say in a low deep tone, "Sit down."
All the students take their assigned seats without a sound. I make it through another day.
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Comments
Yeah, you have to make sure the iguana gets the flea dipping or that sucker, well...just don't get stuff mixed up and flea dip the rugs and shampoo the iguana, iguanas no likeeee the shampoo. :)
I couldn't be a teacher, I've discovered that trying to train retarded monkeys to fly 747, oops, I mean people use computers, there's all these crashes and well, lets just say Tink tried that Drill Sgt. approach like in Full Metal Jacket, like
"DID YOUR MAMA HAVE ANY KIDS THAT SURVIVED MAGGOT!?"
Well lets just say, I got to go down to the HR department and have a talk about why it's wrong to call people maggot and asking them if it's okay to have sexual intercourse with their rectums with my fist without lube, that's the nice way to put it!!
~wanders off~
You have me entrenched in the beginning and I'm all into this shit and then I'm like 'wait..he got cut off..fuck!'
That's the secret. Get their attention. Fear or respect? Sometimes it doesn't matter which one, just as long as they shut the F up and listen to ME.
I always felt sorry for the subs!
Rated for FUNNY
Life Is Good - These kids are immune to teachers yelling at them so an alternative is required.
Dorinda Fox - Practice with two phone books that are heavy, but not too heavy. You need to hit the phone books together very hard.
Wally_M - Thanks. I think the "tags" are funnier.
I could see everything the students who know everything and being kids still waiting to see if they can take you. You won yeehaw!
He taught biology and greenhouse. He came back to the farm and arranged a early 'get-out' plan because he didn't respect the Vice Principal. He lost the 'paid' summer. He needed to begin fall planting for Spring Farm Markets. He can speak about education better than I can. He grows parsnips and celery with a background in Art College and Cornell University. If You type and listen to music:`
Mozart's 'Requiem' Ya will get tears flowing down on the piano key board.
Thanks. You got the good PTSD. You learn and teach. You form and shape Minds.
EvaT.MadeVaudeville - Please let me know what your nephew thinks of the story.
Cartouche - I reached out and touched many lives when I was substitute teaching. Fortunately, the statute of limitations has expired.
iamsurly - I bet you were a terror when your class had a sub.
rAted!
I'm reading this on Sept. 1o, because it didn't come up on my updates for some reason. I found it while looking through theb recents. But you, sir, are a hard act to follow as well. We should alternate post dates. We don't want anybody to die of laughter. I'd hate to have that on my conscience.
R.
man, I could never teach. The idea of that many eyes on ya, 25% being hostile- just cause that's the way of the world- ugh, no way
Robin Sneed - The students had to be fully cognizant that Mr. Little Willie don't take no mess.
hyblaeanJulie - I do not recommend substitute teaching unless an individual is desperately trying to "get their foot in the door" to secure a permanent teaching position. It is a Darwinian job - the weak are quickly weeded out. I can joke about it now, but it wasn't funny walking into unfamiliar hostile territory every morning.
Voldemort...... you crack me up! What an image you have created in my mind. Now to finish reading....