It is that time of year again. Fortunes are made and lost. Battle lines are drawn. The hills are alive with the sound of girl scout cookie sellers.
Are you a buyer or a seller of girl scout cookies? The distinction is the same as between a civilian and a soldier. There is some collateral damage, but for the most part girl scout cookie buyers can enjoy their cookies in relative safety. Occasionally, a buyer tries to get away with not paying for his or her cookies, and a few thumbs must be bent and kneecaps cracked.
Judy Wilson is a nine year old collector for unpaid cookie accounts. She's small of stature and adorable, but don't let her looks fool you, she is a ruthless enforcer.
"I just ring the bell wearing my girl scout uniform and people let me in their house. Once the door is closed, I take care of business (TCB).
There are thousands of Girl Scout Cookie Cartels located across the United States which rake in millions of dollars a year according to the F.B.I. The cartels operate independently and problems arise only when territorial boundaries are violated. For example, two cookie cartels operating next to each other sell different types of cookies. The Girl Scout "Bloods" may be selling Samoas, Do-Si-Dos, and Tagalongs. The Girl Scout "Crips" sell Trefoils, Daisy Go Rounds and Thin Mints.
If the "Bloods" decide to muscle in on the "Thin Mint" market, then a gang war ensues. Drive by eggings are a common form of retaliation. A Girl Scout Leader will load up a min-van with girl scouts and cartons of eggs. The van will ride up on a rival selling the wrong kind of cookies, open the side door of the van, and pelt their enemy with eggs and insults.
A "egging" is usually followed by a "sitdown" in which the two sides settle differences without any further eggshed. Law Enforcement seems powerless to stop the Girl Scout Cookie trading.
"The demand for Girl Scout Cookies is growing in all parts of the country. We even have counterfeit cookies being smuggled in across the border from Mexico," remarked Jose Jimenez, a border patrol officer stationed in Arizona.
Girl Scout Cookie Rehab Centers are operating at full capacity. President Obama is set to name a "Girl Scout Cookie Czar" at his next press conference.