Full Disclosure: I have been writing threatening letters to myself for many years. I obtained several legal restraining orders against myself which have proved ineffective.
I now know where you live. I mailed you thirty-eight letters with the wrong address, and they all came back, "Return To Sender, Address Unknown." I can't get that Elvis Presley song out of my head, and I hold you personally responsible for that.
Why didn't you invite me to your 17th birthday party? Don't you think that I'm cool enough for "Chuckie Cheese?" How can I give you a birthday present if you treat me this way? Do you want to know what I bought for you? A Barbara Bush Blowup Doll. That was your top pick on your Macy's registry. I decided to keep it for myself and do a three way with my blowup Nancy Reagan.
I can see your every move. Stop singing in the rain and dancing in the dark - you're embarrassing both of us.
And stop pretending to be black. I don't care how may rap songs you have on your I-POD, so pull up your pants and stay out of the hood. Eminem may have a "ghetto pass" but you don't.
Wearing an eye patch to school isn't sexy. The girls who wouldn't give you the time of day are more convinced than ever that you are an idiot, and the few girls that would talk to you think you have pink eye.
You're still a virgin. That unfortunate incident with the Giant Schnauzer when you were eleven does not count. Start doing your own laundry, you lazy slug, especially your sheets. Your mother doesn't need to see those stains.
Why do you hate me (yourself) so much? (Y)our parents want you to be perfect and you are finding out what an impossibly heavy burden that is to carry. Enough with this passive-aggressive, self-destructive bullshit. Stand up to your parents and tell them to back the fuck up.
I still want to be your friend if you will give me a chance. You know where you can find me.