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"Mama Get The Hamma There's A Fly On The Baby's Head"


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Hobbies: Valet Parking, Disorderly Conduct, Amateur Acupuncture. Occupation: Boss of the Mexican Rug Cartel. Credit cards not accepted. Favorite Band: The Dry Humpers. Favorite Food: Hard Boiled Water. Favorite Book: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. All original material written by Jeff Gross. Copyright 2009, 2010, 2011, 2014, 2015.

Littlewillie's Links

MARCH 1, 2010 12:28PM

A Threatening Letter To Myself At 17

Rate: 18 Flag

Full Disclosure:  I have been writing threatening letters to myself  for many years.  I obtained several legal restraining orders against myself which have proved ineffective.


Dear Willie:

I now know where you live.  I mailed you thirty-eight letters with the wrong address, and they all came back, "Return To Sender, Address Unknown."  I can't get that Elvis Presley song out of my head, and I hold you personally responsible for that.

Why didn't you invite me to your 17th birthday party?  Don't you think that I'm cool enough for "Chuckie Cheese?"  How can I give you a birthday present if you treat me this way?  Do you want to know what I bought for you?  A Barbara Bush Blowup Doll. That was your top pick on your Macy's registry.  I decided to keep it for myself and do a three way with my blowup Nancy Reagan. 

I can see your every move.  Stop singing in the rain and dancing in the dark - you're embarrassing both of us.  

And stop pretending to be black.  I don't care how may rap songs you have on your I-POD, so pull up your pants and stay out of the hood.  Eminem may have a "ghetto pass" but you don't.

Wearing an eye patch to school isn't sexy.  The girls who wouldn't give you the time of day are more convinced than ever that you are an idiot, and the few girls that would talk to you think you have pink eye.

You're still a virgin.  That unfortunate incident with the Giant Schnauzer when you were eleven does not count.  Start doing your own laundry, you lazy slug, especially your sheets.  Your mother doesn't need to see those stains.

Why do you hate me (yourself) so much?  (Y)our parents want you to be perfect and you are finding out what an impossibly heavy burden that is to carry.  Enough with this passive-aggressive, self-destructive bullshit.  Stand up to your parents and tell them to back the fuck up. 

I still want to be your friend if you will give me a chance.  You know where you can find me.









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Is it still considered "stalking" if you are doing it to yourself?
Who caould forget Barbara Bush Blowup dolls? They were outselling Tickle Me Elmo dolls for a while.
Noirville Headinlocker - The "Eleanor Roosevelt" blowup dolls are worth a lot of money.
Restraining orders are rarely effective on any determined stalker-type. Clearly, you are determined.
He tells them to "back the fuck up" and they tell you/him to "pack it all up". Be nice!
Owl_Says_Who - I realize that "stalking" is a serious problem even though I made light of it in my post.

scanner - I always treated my parents with more respect than they deserved.

loved this:
Wearing an eye patch to school isn't sexy. The girls who wouldn't give you the time of day are more convinced than ever that you are an idiot, and the few girls that would talk to you think you have pink eye.

willy you are beautifully silly. I still think you're black.
foolish monkey - Writing silly stuff takes me to a happy place, somewhere I don't go often enough.
honest and sweet.r.
Okay, this is hands down my favorite post of yours. I love it! Barbara Bush blow-up doll, three-way with Nancy Reagan, eye patch, pink eye, Giant Schnauzer=You are a comic gem.
Patty Jane Maher - "Honest and sweet." I was not expecting that type of response. I need to re-read what I wrote.

Caroline Hagood - Thank you. I value and respect your opinion very much.
You got a hearty chuckle out of me! I bet you were a dreamboat, but then I always went to for the pretend black guy wearing an eye patch.
Bellweather Vance - the only place where the eye patch, pretend black guy look goes over well is in Key West. Plus, my bait is attracting the wrong gender of fish.
You're good enough. You're smart enough. And doggone it, people like you!
I would have liked you when you were seventeen even with the eye-patch. You sound adorable, in a nerdy, snotty and definitely a smarty pants way, which, is one of my favorite ways. Are you still corresponding with yourself ? Are you getting any good responses ? Still a smarty pants ? On the last, I think so.
DeliaBlack - I like you too.

Rosycheeks - Still talking to myself, sometimes in languages that I don't understand.
Good job! I also get the same Elvis song stuck in my head when I get a returned letter.
x/o - I could think of a lot worse songs to get stuck in my head than "Return To Sender."
Have you been hanging out with Tink or were the two of you just separated at birth? Your insane, in a funny way!
GAH. No edit function rears its ugly head again. That should have read, "You're insane". Like I said, Gah.
I would have given you the time of day and even a train schedule, pink-eye patch and all. But I was a true Geekette. Always glad to join you in that "happy place." Since Rosycheeks (my mother) seems to be,too, perhaps you should virtually double-date our two 17-year-old selves. It would be like "Back To The Future" with New York City nerds. And the two girls at once would give you some real street cred. Even with nerdy girls. Even with your pants up.
I beg to differ... eye patches are cool.
My money was on pinkeye. So I was wrong. But at least I gave you the time of day.
Cartouche - Tink and I came from the same litter. Our mom was a Rhodesian Ridgeback.

Eva T. Made Vaudeville - A virtual double date with you and your mom. That's the best offer I've had in a long time.
iamsurly - if you think eye patches are cool then I will start wearing one again. I will let you know how well the eye patch works on my next "blind" date.

Mrs. Michaels - Thinking about being 17 and back in high school brings up a lot of mixed feelings.
Well, Rosy hasn't accepted, yet, but, if she does, it will be interestingly weird. We'll have to go to the beatnik places in her teenage era and the punk places in ours. At least the clothes weren't that different.
Hahahahaha. And you still want to be friends!
How do you know he can find you? My 17 year old can't find me or when she does we duke it out. Funny one.
Hells Bells - I can use all the friends I can get.

Wendy O - I hope I can still find something to laugh about when my daughter turns 17.
Self-threatening letters: childsplay. Try marrying yourself to yourself.