British Petroleum today announced a brilliant, new strategy to permanently seal all of the oil leaks in the Gulf of Mexico. Here is the transcript of my interview with a BP representative.
"Our previous attempts have had mixed results," admitted BP spokesperson, Edward Blockhead.
"Throwing golf balls into the hole didn't work very well, but it sure was fun. We also tried throwing horseshoes and darts."
"Mr. Blockhead. Can you tell me about British Petroleum's latest idea to stop the oil from ruining the entire Gulf of Mexico ecosystem?"
"Please call me, Ed. First of all, let me point out that having some oil in the ocean is not such a bad thing. Has anyone besides me figured out how much money everyone will save on sunscreen. One quick dunk in the oily water and you are protected from those dangerous ultra violent rays for the entire day. Also, you and all those fish will be able to swim much faster with oil on your skin. Increasing viscosity improves velocity according to our research."
"I had no idea of all these wonderful benefits from the oil spill."
"British Petroleum believes in turning lemons into lemonade, and oil into ...?
"Oilade? Diesel smoothies? Salad dressing?
"Hey. You're pretty smart. Have you considered working for BP?"
"No. You still haven't told me how BP plans on plugging up all the leaks."
"I'm not offering you gum. BP is using pre-chewed gum to prevent any further leakage."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Have you ever stepped in gum? Real sticky. Then it hardens like cement."
"How much gum will you need?"
"A few million pieces."
"Where will you get it and who will be doing the chewing?"
"That's where the general public comes in. Instead of sending money to some relief effort or volunteering to clean up a beach, we need all concerned citizens to chew a lot of gum and send it to BP. We've already built a giant Gum Depository off the coast of Louisiana."
"Are you sure it will work?"
"You bet. I used some gum to plug a leak under my sink last night."
Cut To Generic Car Commercial and/or Beer Commercial