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littlewillie

littlewillie
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El Jefe
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Hobbies: Valet Parking, Disorderly Conduct, Amateur Acupuncture. Occupation: Boss of the Mexican Rug Cartel. Credit cards not accepted. Favorite Band: The Dry Humpers. Favorite Food: Hard Boiled Water.

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Salon.com
JUNE 16, 2010 4:30PM

British Petroleum To Plug Oil Leaks With Chewed Gum

Rate: 16 Flag

British Petroleum today announced a brilliant, new strategy to permanently seal all of the oil leaks in the Gulf of Mexico. Here is the transcript of my interview with a BP representative.

"Our previous attempts have had mixed results," admitted BP spokesperson, Edward Blockhead.

"Throwing golf balls into the hole didn't work very well, but it sure was fun.  We also tried throwing horseshoes and darts."

"Mr. Blockhead.  Can you tell me about British Petroleum's latest idea to stop the oil from ruining the entire Gulf of Mexico ecosystem?"

"Please call me, Ed.  First of all, let me point out that having some oil in the ocean is not such a bad thing.  Has anyone besides me  figured out how much money everyone will save on sunscreen.  One quick dunk in the oily water and you are protected from those dangerous ultra violent rays for the entire day.  Also, you and all those fish will be able to swim much faster with oil on your skin.  Increasing viscosity improves velocity according to our research."

"I had no idea of all these wonderful benefits from the oil spill."

"British Petroleum believes in turning lemons into lemonade, and oil into ...?

"Oilade?  Diesel smoothies?  Salad dressing?

"Hey.  You're pretty smart.  Have you considered working for BP?"

"No.  You still haven't told me how BP plans on plugging up all the leaks."

"Gum."

"No thanks."

"I'm not offering you gum.  BP is using pre-chewed gum to prevent any further leakage."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Have you ever stepped in gum?  Real sticky.  Then it hardens like cement."

"How much gum will you need?"

"A few million pieces."

"Where will you get it and who will be doing the chewing?"

"That's where the general public comes in.  Instead of sending money to some relief effort or volunteering to clean up a beach, we need all concerned citizens to chew a lot of gum and send it to BP.  We've already built a giant Gum Depository off the coast of Louisiana."

"Are you sure it will work?"

"You bet.  I used some gum to plug a leak under my sink last night."

Cut To Generic Car Commercial and/or Beer Commercial

 

 

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Comments

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Don't worry about a thing. British Petroleum has everything (including the government), under control.
It's about time they got serious with this leak, and everyone knows gum, when properly chewed, with stop any leak. Great Job Willie. My daughter chews enough to stop half the leak. Now, whats the address again?
jesus, that is so close to what's going on, it would be chilling if it wasn't so fabulously silly. under control, is it? feh. and a gah too!
consider yourself fantastically rated in the best possible way!
Yeah, that should really gum up the works. If they supply the gum, I'll chew it.
Scanner - I always keep a pack of gum in my tool box.

Ardee - Thanks for stopping by.

Foolish Monkey - Yes. Sometimes the absurd is closer to nonfiction than fiction.
oilade... somewhere art buchwald is smiling!
Increasing viscosity improves velocity. That Blockhead is one smart guy. I'm sayin'!
I am surprised they haven't tried duct tape.....where is McGiver when you need him! :)
Chuck A. Stetson - Any indirect comparison to Art Buchwald is extremely flattering.

j lynne - Mr. Blockhead is a genius, an invaluable asset to BP.

Lunchlady 2 - Duct tape is the next step.

John Blumenthal - BP is not supplying the gum, but they will send a you a self-addressed, postage-paid envelope to send in the gum.
Sometimes the solution to your biggest problem can be found on the bottom of your shoe.
Is there any one type of gum that's better for this application? I want to make sure all this chewing is going to pay off.
Jeanette DeMain - Bubble gum works best according to "Bazooka Joe."
Your funny suggestions don't sound any more absurd than what they've tried already. I'll start saving my gum...
Bellwether Vance - I knew I could count on you to send in your gum. Remember to chew sugarless gum. 4 out of 5 oil executives recommend it.
Gum sounds good but wouldn't duct tape work better. You can fix anything with duct tape and beer.
More good ideas to plug the leak!! I think BP should help in the Midwest during the next flood season. A chewed gum barrier should hold back flood waters.
Chris Nunn - Gum tastes a little better than duct tape.

DeliaBlack - BP is more likely to cause a flood than fix one.
Do you think the gum will chew the fat?
I heard they would employ a butt plug, but I'll take your word for it. Very funny, as usual! rated.
Great read...I say either gum or duct tape :)
R~
Cartouche - Fat-free gum is probably better for the environment.

Caroline Hagood - The giant butt plug would have to be tested before BP inserted it. So far, the great patriot, Rush Limbaugh, has resisted overtures from BP to personally test the plug.

joyonboard - there sure are a lot of duct tape fans out there. Thank you for the positive feedback.
It's about time someone asked the American people to make sacrifices.
Steve Blevins - A human sacrifice of British Petroleum's CEO is something that I think Americans could rally around.