I try to avert my eyes but they are everywhere, lurking behind every corner, pouncing on me like a rabid, Jehovah witness.  I feel nauseous, panting like an agoraphobic wildebeest.  I fantasize about pouring gasoline over all of them and lighting a match.  What could make make me feel this way?  Encountering "Back To School" Advertisements, especially before July 4th.

When I was a kid, most retailers would have the decency to wait until the end of July or the beginning of August - not anymore.   I must admit that I feel differently now about "Back To School" ads than I did when I attended school or worked as a special education teacher, but the "impending feeling of doom" flashbacks return each year.

"Little Willie was allowed to work with chidren?", some of you may be asking.

Yes.  This was before mandatory criminal background checks, surveillance cameras and the bowflex.  My students were not as"special" as Forrest Gump, but more special than say, George W. Bush.  I hated being a teacher even more than being a student.  My idea of a lesson plan was to call in sick. My students couldn't read but they learned how to throw a textbook with deadly accuracy.

I taught practical "life skills," things you can't learn in school textbooks such as how to lie, cheat, and steal.  Many of my former students went on to have successful careers in politics, banking, and law enforcement.  I still get collect calls from former students currently housed in some of the top ranked maximum security facilities in the country.

"What made you give up teaching, Little Willie?  You had such a positive impact on the lives of so many children."

Statistics.  I was informed by the principal that my class consistently had the highest percentage drop out rate in the entire school district.  I told the principal that statistics can be misleading, they don't tell the whole story.  

So I moved on to my next career, preaching the gospel to the deaf.