I was taught to love thy neighbor, especially if the lady of the house looked like Teri Hatcher.  So what am I to think when my neighbor across the street, whose wife resembles Abe Vigoda, puts a cannon on his front lawn, aimed directly at my house.  Isn't there a law against having artillery in a residential neighborhood, not including the great state of Texas?

My next door neighbor, Mike, thinks that the cannon is a replica.  Mike suggests that I go across the street armed only with a pecan pie, and find out if the cannon is functional.

"What if the guy is allergic to pecans?  I'm not looking to escalate the situation."

"Okay dude.  Then bring over an apple pie.  You can't go wrong with apple - it's un-american not to like apple pie."

"Fuck this pie bullshit.  I'm going to buy a bigger cannon and aim that sucker right at his front door."

"I know a guy.  Vietnam vet.  He might be able to hook you up with something heavy duty.  One problem.  He only comes out of his house once a year, on July 4th."

"It's September!  I can't wait until July 4th.  I bet I can get a cannon on Craigslist."

"Listen dude.  If you put a cannon on your lawn then he's going to get a tank.  Then you have to buy a tank.  Next morning you wake up with a  nuclear warhead missle launcher pointed right at your brand new flat screen TV.  I learned about this shit in high school.  It's called MAC, mutually assured castration."

"It's MAD, you idiot.  Mutually assured destruction.

"Yeah, whatever.  Can I come over to watch the game tonight?  Saints, Packers, dude.  Rematch of last year's NFC title game.  You want me to bring something over?"

"Yes.  Anything but pie."