I normally don't get involved in political discussions. Every four years I write in "Jerry Springer" for President, and then I go back to pleasuring myself. Recently a politician named Christine O'Donnell forced me to open my hand by taking an adversarial stance toward Masturbation, a hobby of mine which takes up most of my time. In fact, I could be masturbating right now if I did not feel hot and bothered enough by Ms. O'Donnell's misguided attack on the act of self pleasurization (I know pleasurization is not a real word, but it reminds me of pasteurization, which reminds me of milking a cow, which reminds me of lactating breasts which...excuse me while I take a short break.
I feel so much better now. I hope you took the opportunity to take a masturbation break during my absence.
Frankly, Ms. O'Donnell's hostile attitude toward masturbation frightens me deeply. If Christine O'Donnell is elected to Congress she could force masturbators like me back into the closet, which is ironically the first place I learned to jerk off using some Elmer's Glue and a copy of TV Guide with Barbara Eden on the cover. "I Dream Of Genie" - damn straight I did, every night and waking moment. "Mrs. Simon, I need to go to the bathroom again. I know it's the fifth time this morning. I think I have a yeast infection."
At the urging of Christine O'Donnell, Congress could pass laws classifying masturbation as a federal crime. The government could start obtaining private information from individuals without their consent. Wait... The government is already doing that. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms could add Masturbation to their mission statement. It makes sense to me - drink some moonshine, smoke a cigar laced with a hearty dose of ganja, clean my unregistered gun, then finish off the evening by cleaning out my pipes.
I declare Ms. O'Donnell, "This is not the America I learned about by watching John Wayne movies. You can try to stop me from masturbating, but you will have to pry my penis out of my cold, dead hands."