My high-speed internet connection is no match for Open Salon.  I glide effortlessly over the world-wide web, trolling for nuggets of wisdom and free porn, but as soon as I meander to the OS website, my supersonic surfing slows down to an elderly snail's pace.

I stare helplessly at the words "waiting for open.salon.com" and "loading"and I curse the Greek god, "Chronos," for wasting my time.  Aparently, all of the ritual sacrifices I have done for Chronos, such as dumping a Grandfather Clock out of a moving car into the Schuylkill River, have been in vain.

Consequently, after seconds of research, I have compiled a list of activities that one can try while waiting for this mothersucker to load:

10)  Braid your pubic hair.  No pubic hair.  Proceed to # nine.

9)   Buy a David Hasselhoff Chia Pet and watch the grass grow out of his head.

8)  Learn a new language such as "English."

7)  Try convincing a "Tea Party" follower that not all Muslims are terrorists.

6)  Go for a walk to visit your old house that is now owned by the bank.

5)  Read a newspaper and try to figure out why "March Madness" refers to college basketball instead of what's going on in Libya and Japan.

4)  Pretend that you are rich and go test drive some BMW's and Mercedes for a few hours.

3)  Call your favorite charity and ask for a refund of your most recent donation.

2) Call up your local morgue and ask about volunteer opportunities.

1) Confess to the murders of Tupac and/or Biggie.