I have no idea why I did it. So many people in my life have gaped at me in unadulterated shock at my stupidity while words of comfort roll off their tongues.  "No one knows what they would do in a situation like that", "There was so much happening so fast, you just panicked" and finally "Everyone makes mistakes." Those things might all be true however the reality is that most people don't touch, move and hide a knife used in a stabbing. It's just not an action that makes sense regardless of the scenario. I have no history of criminal activity, beyond buying drugs when I used, and had nothing to gain by interfering with evidence. So why did I do it? I don't know. 

I was in the Methadone clinic with a patient when the new take-charge staff member burst in and announced we were on "Standby". Great but we had no procedure that included being on "Standby" and I didn't have a clue what this guy was on about. In the parking lot chaos reigned as patients and witnesses were screaming about a stabbing and the vicious beating that precipitated that kind of violence. The girl who had been attacked was howling in pain and clutching her head and face as our nurses began treatment waiting for EMS to arrive. The stabbing victim was gone - driven to the hospital by his girlfriend. Patients and witnesses were all over staff attempting to give statements and staff were attempting to stop other people from leaving the scene. Needless to say with the nature of what goes on in the world of someone with a long history of drug use the interaction with law enforcement has not always been positive. People have outstanding warrants or are simply freaked out and want to get out of there. As a Counselor at the clinic as much as I wanted to leave that wasn't an option for me. Since the boyfriend of the girl who was almost beaten to death was my patient I didn't have to stand over the puddle of blood to protect that bit of evidence. Thank goodness for small favors! 

Detectives began to swarm and people were seemingly excited to make statements. Being part of the chaos, where drug users feel most comfortable, was seductive to most standing outside. My patient had briefly gone inside to try and get his medication but had rejoined the detectives outside and fingers were being pointed at him. The man who had been stabbed, also a patient, had been attacking him as well. My patient denied he had stabbed anyone, but I knew better and the entire event was becoming very surreal. It felt like hours had gone by and yet it was only 25 minutes or so. The parking lot was baking hot and after the Ambulance left with his girlfriend my patient literally wilted against a Sheriff's car. Given the opportunity by the Detective to give a truthful account - with no negative impact for delay so far - my patient asked me what to do. "Call your lawyer and continue to make the Next Right Choice" - such an  AA directed thing to say. Making choices based on honesty and doing the right thing, not trying to hide from consequences. When following that paradigm events usually work out for the best. I should have listened to myself. 

When we got to my office - the detective had no problem letting him go alone as he was only a witness at that point - my patient admitted to me that he had indeed stabbed the man beating his girlfriend. She had been working for him as a call girl. Wanted to get out but owed him money. She refused to work to pay it off and he was going to "beat her out". Why our parking lot I don't know but I imagine the amount of cocaine the stabbing victim did on a regular basis didn't help him control an already on edge temper. I had to meet with detectives in another office to discuss the events and weakly joked that he please not hide the knife in my office because my husband is here on a green card and we can't afford trouble. In all sincerity my patient said he would never do that and that the knife was hidden on the top of a storage cabinet in the hallway. Oh..  

While meeting with the Detectives all that I could think of is the knife. Where it was. That it was. That it had been used in a crime. I had never even thought about what that would be like having that knowledge. I don't even watch CSI! Meeting done, Lawyer called and Methadone dispenced to my patient who has been taken into custody on an outstanding warrant. Only an hour and a half after the initial cry of "Standby" and the clinic was quiet. Other staff members were elsewhere and I was thinking about this knife - too much. My patient had described it as a small pocket knife that he carried on a regular basis. I imagined something that would fit into the palm of my hand. Compact. Every day. It was on the top of the storage cabinet outside the copy room and using that as a cover I ran my hand over the top to see if I could feel it. Nothing. I was frustrated because the need to see the weapon was growing. With no one around I used the stool that was sitting there to be able to see the top of the cabinet and there it was.  

The pocket knife was so much bigger than I imagined, 4 inches long, and before any other thought went through my head my hand was on it and hence my fingerprints. I thought my chest would explode. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE! I didn't know what to do. Wipe off my prints? Call other staff member? Faint? How do I explain this? How do I keep my job? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. Without any thought I walked to my office just down the hall and dropped the knife behind my bookcase. What to do now? I knew my patient stabbed the other patient. I knew where the knife was, I touched the knife and I hid the knife. In making the next right choice my patient admitted to the stabbing and told the Detectives where he had placed the knife. A little old crime scene investigator came in to find it and asked if he had been alone at any time. Why yes - he had been in my office. In many ways I wanted him to find it behind the bookcase but he really wasn't the best search man ever. Just as well. My prints were on the knife so ...... 

In the end I had to admit the knife was in my office. To back the plea of self defense the weapon needed to be matched to the wound. At no point was my moving of the knife to protect my patient but if moving that knife was going to put him at any risk it was a no brainer as to what my next right choice needed to be. Once I admitted to what I had done the lead investigator sat with my while I wrote my statement. He was "Good Cop". Another Detective, "Bad Cop", came in to berate me for wasting time in finding the knife. It had taken me a very short time to admit what I had done,  I was terrified, and frankly I already knew I was screwed so I told him to FUCK OFF. I didn't need "Bad Cop" because good cop was getting all they needed without being a prick. I will have to ask my mother if she dropped me on my head as an infant! 

The moment that will never leave my head is when the crime scene investigator pulled the knife from behind the bookcase and flipped it open. The blade was 4 inches long and red with blood. Real human blood on a blade that had been inside of another human being. I stood pressed against the wall and felt sick. Sick for the girl who was beaten for wanting to leave prostitution, sick for where drugs take people, sick for my obsession and how disconnected it was from the personal crime of stabbing. All of it made me sick. 

I am a phenomenal drug counselor. I know this because everyone through the hierarchy who has ever worked with me wrote reports supporting my continued employment. It took two weeks to finally decide to terminate me and I feel the best decision was made. Until I am able to process why I did it, why I touched and moved the knife, I need to take a break from working in that particular context. I'm not sure if I will ever work in a Methadone Maintenance clinic again, how much as an addict in recovery I was adversely effected by patients abusing the system. I do know that if I continue to do my best making the next right choice I can move forward. I have been honest about what I did with the people around me, other addicts aloholics, and my family.

It is true that we don't know what we will do in any given situation until we are in it. I never would have expected myself to react in that particular way but I did.  I have certainly learned a big lesson - when it comes down to the brutal reality of life I may do incredibly stupid things but it's OK. I don't know yet how all of this will shape me into the person I will be in the future. What I do know...That when people say "Just don't do it again!" it makes me smile just a little bit.