Louis Bayard

Louis Bayard
Location
Washington, DC,
Birthday
November 30
Title
Staff writer
Company
Salon
Bio
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia

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OCTOBER 3, 2008 4:00PM

Ultra Brite

Rate: 18 Flag

Amidst last night’s extensive post-debate analysis, one item completely escaped observers’ attention.  I raise it now as a matter of public concern.

 

Joe Biden’s teeth.

 

Were they not the WHITEST damned choppers you’ve ever seen on a human being?  Let alone on a 65-year-old man?  Every time he flashed that conquistador grin, it was like some crazy geriatric Ultra Brite commercial.  Take that, John McCain, with your crumbling yellow nubs!

 

I spent less time listening to the debate, I'm afraid, than piecing together Biden’s beauty regimen.  Crest White Strips?  Peroxide rinses?  Cyanide leaches?

 

And then I realized something.  Biden was only smiling in those moments when he was really pissed at Sarah Palin.  Cosmetics, in short, had nothing to do with it.  His teeth were simply the outward projection of his white-hot inner core.  He was lambent with rage.

 

I know how he felt, because every time Sarah Palin winked at me, I felt it, too. 

 

But my teeth still didn't look that good.  

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lambent: ADJECTIVE:

Flickering lightly over or on a surface: lambent moonlight.
Effortlessly light or brilliant: lambent wit.
Having a gentle glow; luminous. See Synonyms at bright.
this is a hilarious post .......in a short, sweet burst!!
Yeah, I wondered about his teeth, too. Kinda glowing in an alien invasion way. Good observation that he presented them when mad.
I noticed this as well. His teeth seem to have the same basic light reflecting capabilites as our moon. Very disturbing. I love Biden, but the teeth are creepy.

(thumbified)
Biden is, after all, the Congressional poster child for cosmetic fix-ups, starting with the hair implants. So why not whitened teeth and Botox? It's all the rage. And probably paid for by the US Congress health plan ...

Luminescent Joe
I had the grave misfortune of watching Joe on HDTV -- the increased definition was not kind. He had kind of an old bloodhound look to him, and then those ridiculously bright teeth. It was a little disturbing.
totally brilliantine. flaming. the white fire. pale fire? not what N. meant to refer too. ole Joe Bitin.
oh.my.god. I noticed that, too. And felt appropriately dingier-toothed as well.

As for Sarah's wink, I blocked it out. Yuck.
"Biden was only smiling in those moments when he was really pissed at Sarah Palin." I noticed that too!

And yes, the teeth were odd.
Biden isn't the only one dipping into the Botox. Can anyone explain to me how McCain reached the age of 72, taking a detour of 4-5 years of torture, without a single crease or wrinkle on his forehead?
Great post!

Actually, Jodi, his teeth were brighter than the moon which only has an albedo of 0.12 on a scale of 1 to 10--like that of asphalt. If the moon were as bright as Joe's choppers, none of us would be able to sleep.
First, I don't like Biden or McCain for reasons other than teeth, but if I had to pick a candidate based on teeth, I'd pick Biden. McCain's rusty chompers bother me to no end. They look like the hard water-stained walls of an old shower that someone neglected to clean. Biden's look artificially white, but I prefer that to the yellow look. Bad teeth are a deal breaker.
This brightened my day!
I, too, was preoccupied with the forehead Botox thing. I only noticed on the replay, though. I guess I was too focused on the dialogue the first time.

Who-the-heck's idea was that? It looked really strange. Especially since it didn't go all the way across his head, right above the temples were these nice little forehead lines whenever he got excited. Bracketing forehead wrinkles. Strange. The teeth didn't really bother me that much, though I did notice he smiled like that whenever Palin "got" to him.

I DO think McCain could use a WhiteStrips regimen, though.
Very funny. I have to go see the recorded debate now ;0)
They were also large, smooth...vulpine.
Great post, Lou -- he definitely got a more ferocious smile on when he was angry.

Stellaa, I was OBSESSED with the Botox look. And yes, it stopped at the outer-eyebrows, giving him a Jack Nicholson/Shining look when he smiled sometimes! And MelissaK is right, those wrinkles in his temples were so strange...

I still thought he won.
THAT is who he reminded me of - Nicholson!!!

Oh, Ms. Palin has been dipping into the filler jars, too. That is a face with Restylane and/or Juvederm and a judicious use of Botox, I'd bet my house and lot.
I've noticed that Lou Dobbs also has disturbingly unnatural, bright white teeth.
Haiku about Joe Biden's Lambent Teeth:

inexplicably
shining on my tv screen
say it ain't so joe