Lovely Me

Lovely Me
January 01
I needed an anonymous outlet on OS. I needed an alter ego. This is where I plan to get into the dirty, dark, nitty gritty of my life. I hope we can both stand it.


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JUNE 19, 2010 3:39PM


Rate: 16 Flag

I was walking down the street today and saw a young woman - maybe 25 years old - walking hand in hand with her boyfriend.  She was pretty, blonde, but large - quite large.  I have always thought (because I hate my own body) of girls like this as being so close to pretty.  "If only she'd lose weight - she would be stunning."  I've heard those words a million times in my own life.  If only... if only... if only...

But I looked at this girl differently today.  I intentionally stopped the reel-to-reel auto-play in my mind, and instead really took a long look at her. Her hair was cut to her shoulders and simply glistened in the sun.  Her full face glowed - she had the beauty of a movie star like Cherize Theron - and she simply radiated light through her broad, unwavering smile.  She was joyous.  I walk through life as draped and hidden as I can be - pants, shirts with sleeves - no matter the heat or weather.  But she - she wore a sundress - no sleeves, just thin spaghetti straps spooling down to a low-cut bodice and free flowing skirt that moved gently around her as she walked.  Her soft, round arms were like alabaster, staring proudly at all who would look.  Her thick legs bowed widely at the calf, yet stepped gracefully under the billow of soft material that stopped at her knee.  And her full, wide feet padded against the pavement practically bare, coddled only by the tiny straps and thin soles of a pair of flip-flops.

She was so happy.  So completely at home with who she was.  I felt like I was watching a movie unfold in this little scene before me.  And with movie timing, a strong gust of wind suddenly enfolded her, sending her dress flying all the way up around her waist.  I saw her large slightly dimpled thighs pressed tightly together as she walked, the outline of a paunch stomach that hung down a bit appeared through her white cotton underwear.  And I saw her reaction - laughter.  A whole sidewalk of people had seen her body and she and her boyfriend were delighted.  They thought it was hilarious and continued happily with their stroll.

That girl taught me so much today.  So much about accepting and loving oneself.  I know there are those who think that fat is grotesque.  But I honestly believe that it would have confounded anyone to find ugliness in what I saw. She was joy, and she was total, absolute, uncompromised radiance.  It came not from a svelte figure or heavy makeup or clothes to camouflage what lay underneath.  It came from inside her.  That sense of belonging in her own body.  That sense of loving herself.  And that sense of knowing she was entitled to live happily and freely just as she was.  

I envy that.  I live my life constantly worried about the judgments others make about this generous earthly form I inhabit.  But maybe what I saw today can change me.  I want that joy.  I want that power.  I want to walk peacefully on this earth within my own flesh. Because no diet, no number on a scale, could have made that amazing young woman even the slightest bit more beautiful.

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You know, I just realized that a lot of my "misconceptions" regarding large sized women are orientation based. I honestly have a hard time comprehending what the issues are.

In the lesbian community there are, of course, a lot of large sized, stereotypical butch dykes. They wear their size with pride and élan. In their wife beater T-shirts and Doc Martens all most all of them "gots back".

There are also a lot of large sized femmes. These women are feminine and beautiful. They all know that they are attractive because they are made to feel that way. They are "desirable" and, quite frankly, desired.

I guess that's where a lot of my "misunderstanding" come from. A woman's size is pretty much immaterial to us. It's her smile, the way she tosses her hair, the gleam in her eye and/or what's between her ears that's attracts us, not being a perfect size 2.

Thank you, I never realized that until now.

P.S. ~Snerk~ and no, I'm not recruiting or hitting on you!
This is what I wish the world would see! Beautiful doesn't stop at the neckline. It continues down to the feet and into the soul.

I always hated being told "You have such a pretty face" like I was a floating head in a jar. Now that I'm where I'm at in life, I like what bounces, rolls and lives below my shoulders. It has taken lots of deprogramming to get there.

I suspect, if you keep trying, you will get there, too. (R)
self-image is such a toughie to get around. my own is so far from reality that i take at least 3 items of the same thing in different sizes into a dressing room: 1 that's a little too big, 1 that's way too big, and 1 i know won't fit but does. i just have no concept of what i really am built like anymore.

we and society as a whole are constantly fed (no pun intended) on what perfection is supposed to be but is really only attainable for 99.99999% of the populace by using photoshop!

i am not obese yet i envy that girl her confidence in her body and herself. (r)
I was thinking about your and Kat's other posts this week while at a BBQ today. It was a group of tech geeks that my BF likes to do tech geek stuff once a week . Most were guys, there seemed to be about 3 young ladies native to the group- as opposed to "GF" or wife. One is an exceptionally thin asian woman, and one is a very large white woman. I have no idea if they were single or hitched, but they both radiated different kinds of beauty unrelated to their body size. I envy that women of color (latinas and black women, probably other races as well) get to enjoy their fullness more than most white women in America or Europe do. But I thought of your remarks and thought, I bet a few of these guys have a crush on the her (the bigger one) because she is really pretty.
Great Post! It seems to me that whatever the issue is, whether it be our bodies, our sexual orientation, our personal lives, etc. The cure to addressing all of those issues starts between our ears and in our hearts. Thanks. R-
Let's start with my sincere hope that you hang on to that feeling. Don't expect it to be there every day. Everyone has those "Oh God I hate how I look" days. But try to remember you are beautiful not because of how your body is shaped, but because of how you feel about yourself.

I'm a person who has lost...and is still losing...a great deal of weight. For me, it was a decision based on "I don't want to die before I'm 60", not "I want to look good". So I've become a gym rat and as a consequence of that changed my eating habits. All of which is irrelevant to this. I gave that background to make this point. As I lost weight, I discovered something. I've stopped being invisible! Suddenly people can see me. Women who could walk right past me and never see me smile...nod...(and yes...check them out)...suddenly smile back. (And do that look over the shoulder to see if they are being checked out thing.) Amazing that a 400# man can walk through the world and nobody sees him.

My point being...don't ever let them make you feel invisible, again. Be who you are and shine.
I'm happy for you. It's great to know that you don't have to be "perfect." Also it's so freeing and healthy to finally realize that no one is. Rated!
This is a great post. Self-acceptance is not easy for most of us no matter what we look like. I'm convinced we have to instill it into our girls at a very young age. _r
Safe-Bet's Amy: Thanks. I often wish I had the lesbian gene for the very reason that it seems you are a much more forgiving group when it comes to women's bodies... But then, I would invariably just compare my body to my partner's body... See? There is no escape other than self-acceptance.

Kat: Oh, how many boyfriends I've had that saw me as a disembodied head with "potential." Yikes.

And everyone else: Thanks so much. The only reason I was able to see this scene unfold is that I drove to the movie theater yesterday, and as soon as I pulled into my parking spot, I realized I had forgotten my purse (I NEVER do that). I was walking back to my apartment from the car when I saw her. Truly, meant to be.
I enjoyed reading your description of the beautiful, bountiful young woman. Though I've never been what anyone would call "obese," all my life I've obsessed about weight, only achieving what I considered "ideal" for a brief spell in my 20's. Ironically, my own mother was chubby all her life and never wanted to be thin. She was an exuberant, beautiful woman who posed as an artists' model for many years, wore exotic, bold colors, strands of beads, generous sprays of cologne and liked to dye her curly hair various shades of blonde. It was only when she was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 70 that she started to lose weight, the ample flesh that had been a solid cushion beginning to hang and sag, her full cheeks drawn and wrinkled. Her blue, blue eyes remained bright and she never lost her generous laugh but in the last 2 years of her life her body became unrecognizable. Though I've wasted time wishing for a physical self I could never have, somewhere in my 40's I think I finally began to fully accept my body and now that I'm approaching 60 I often tell younger women I wish I had a dollar for every minute I spent worrying about extra pounds! Each of us is a unique self, inside and out!
Refreshingly honest. Glad I found your site.

rated and favorited....
Beauty comes from within and knows no size. ~R
thanks for the access to the transcendent - beautiful
It is one of the last allowable prejudices. Somehow with approval from the media (most importantly) and various public figures such as scientists and doctors, it is now ok and acceptable to Hate fat people.

Somehow fat people are less of a person(no pun intended). You know when being verbally attacked it is always fat and _ _ _ _. something. insert derogatory adjective here, Stupid and or Lazy are probably in the top 10. I hear or read that people say, I may be overweight but I am not obese.

Do you know? That according to the latest guideline ( I think from the AMA) you only need be 30 lbs over weight (over weight by who's standards?) you are considered to be over weight.

As long as I can remember I have battled weight issues. I was put on a diet the 1st time when I was 6 yrs old. I was in a boarding school for asthmatics. That is a whole other story.

My mother battled weight issues most of her life also. I know she tried various diets etc. I am sure to please my father. I never ever heard him make a derogatory remark to her regarding her weight. There were 6 of us. I don't think he ever lost his physical attraction for her.

I remember in the late 50's when I was but 5 or so, She would be cleaning the house like a speed freak talking to herself a mile a minute. She was prescribed diet pills. You know "Mothers little helper"? At that time doctors prescribed them like candy.
Amphetamines also help relieve symptoms of asthma.

After the onset of puberty , somewhere between 8thgrade graduation and the beginning of my freshman year at high school any extra weight I had seemed to fall off. Then in my early 20's I started gaining again.

I would do crash diets in order to fit into a pair of pants I wanted to wear or by to go out clubbing in. I could lose 20 lbs in a week.
It was grapefruit hard boiled eggs spinach and a piece of steak for dinner. Apparently it is a dangerous diet and not recommended.

Most recently after attending some family reunions, My father was ill or had just passed away. My sisters were really chiding me for my weight gain. It has been ongoing since my mid 20's.
I was (I felt) as if I was some how less of a person.
One of my sisters who arrived unannounced for a week long visit. Looked at me as if i would keel over and die of a heart attack any minute. Chided me because I eat an egg once in awhile. twice a week at most, or insisted I was killing myself by using butter as a spread instead of oily greasy almost plastic like "I can believe it is not butter". that actually contains more fat than butter.

Then she suggests that I go to Mexico ( I couldn't possibly afford US prices) for bariatric surgery truth I can't afford Mexican prices. I know people actually dated a woman who did this. Years after they still have not lost all the weight they need to and no matter how hard they try it won't come off. It seems she is perpetually 60 lbs over her goal. I also would rather not have to live like that. After baritriac surgery and for the rest of your life, you must be careful of how much you eat lest you vomit at an unexpected moment and you have to wait a half hour before drinking anything after you eat. Personally I like a (1) beer with my pizza or steak. My current wife say she has known people that had weight loss surgery. They died within two years of the surgery. Then my sister says to me it will take you years to lose all that weight. I was deeply offended by this comment.

Like I am a candidate for the biggest loser. I weight less than some of the people who get voted off . I think? I don't and won't watch so called reality shows of any kind.

I most recently have started losing weight all on my own. I am not following any kind of diet. Hope I am not sick and don't know it. like cancer or something. I have been walking my dogs a mile or so 3 or 4 times a week. Walking for me is not as easy as it is for most. I had polio when i was a boy of 9. I am better off than most polio victims ( I don't like that word), I need a minor lift in one she and there is some residual muscle atrophy that will never return.
I used to walk farther and climb steeper hills and received no noticeable weight loss for all my hard work.
I didn't have orthopedic shoes then. I don't believe this has anything to do with my weight loss. My feet don't hurt as they used to, seems to be the only difference. I hope my back will realign itself.
The biggest changes I have made in my diet is Milk, besides conscious portion control (using small bowls, salad plates for dinner plates) and consciously listening to my body as to how much I am eating, You know? it does a body good. It also makes a body fat.
I never thought about it, also never knew. An 8 oz glass of milk has more sugar in it than a 12 oz soda. I found this unbelievable.
I heard it when I saw a portion of that Jamie Oliver reality show I still hate reality shows.
I had to check it out for myself. It's true.
I don't even drink diet soda. well one or two a month or less. Generally I keep a big jug of tea in the frig lightly sweetened 1/4 cup of dextrose to a gallon of tea, I am not sure what the calories are in an 8 oz glass. I have even cut down on that. Water is the only beverage adults should drink. There are even issues surrounding water, but that is another post.
I have slightly changed my eating habits, not waiting till I am hungry/ravenous actually eating more often yet smaller meals/snacks
One other thing I check my weight only occasionally, maybe not even once a month and so far my weight loss is constant. I am not going to go around congratulating myself or announcing it to the world or even family.

I said this to my sisters and others. My physical body weight is not who I am and it never has been. I am who I am and you are who you are.
Hmmm, This is quite long for a comment and I doubt many if any will read it it maybe I will make into a blog post.