The worst part about being recently single is the time. You're sitting at home, knowing that the person you were planning to marry in a month is now with someone new, and your imagination just starts to run wild. On my saner days, I know that the things that are going through my head are probably a million times worse than anything that's actually happening, but it's hard to remember that in the moment. I think that's a really good way to put it, too. 'Saner days.' It's very true in some ways. Being dumped and knowing your ex is already dating someone else is a little like what I imagine insanity to be: there are voices and images in your head that you know are saying and doing things that aren't real, you cry over things that aren't sad, you get angry about things that aren't anger-inducing, and you either lash out or emotionally grip onto anyone that is brave enough to come into your vicinity.
The worst part about being recently single is the time, and I think that's especially true when you've reached a certain stage in your life. Living in rural America, things life moves very differently than it does in cities. The closest bar or hangout that stays open later than 8pm is almost thirty-five miles away. Your friends all have 'adult' lives, with marriages and kids, so they don't really have a lot of time to hangout or even talk much, really. It doesn't help when you're not technically employed full-time, instead, trying to eke out a living as a freelance writer and novelist, which means it's entirely possible to go days without any real human contact. It's isolated, and it's lonely, and it kind of goes back to the insanity idea. It doesn't help matters knowing that she could, at any moment, be out with her new guy, doing who knows what, and having fun doing it.
The worst part about being recently single is the time. You sit around, constantly thinking: how long will she and her new guy stay together? How long will I keep feeling this way? Why didn't our relationship last longer, like I wanted it to? How long has it been since I tried to text or message her? How long has it been since she texted me? We were best friends before we dated, and she wants to stay best friends after, so she tries to act like everything's fine between us, like it hasn't only been a month since we were planning a wedding and telling each other how in love we were, so how long am I supposed to keeping acting like I can be okay too, that I can be just fine with everything, even if I have my occasional meltdowns over her dating someone else? How long do I have to keep pretending, keep plastering the smile on my face when I go out into the world, and tell people that know me that I'm fine? How long do I have to hurt like this, when there seems to be no good reason for my suffering, other than the whims of another person?
The worst part about being recently single is the time. It's only been a month, but, God, it feels like forever. And it seems like it's only going to stretch on, the clock slowly, painfully, ticking along, not really bringing me any closer to feeling better. But I guess that's just how time is. She is a vicious, cruel mistress, but we all have to serve our time.