So, a strange sort of thing happened today. I realized, maybe for the first time, that it was over between us. It was also the first time I kind of felt okay about all of it. I've spent the past few weeks doing everything I can to win her back, I so far as to try the same things I did the last time I won her back, sending her beautiful, long-winded messages trying to remnind her of all the good times in the past, and how much I truly felt for her. It did absolutely no good.
She's been upset over her relationshi with her mom for the last few months, and I'm the person she had been turning to, but since the breakup, we hadn't talked much, except to get into arguments, or me telling her how hurt I was and how desperately I wanted to be with her. Today, she was upset about the whole thing with her mom, so she turned to me again. In a way, sometimes it does feel like maybe she's just using me so she'd have someone there, because there's times it feels like she's not there for me, but I've always been the type of person that will always be there if someone needs me. So I was again.
Over the course of the conversation, she told me that the new guy (she still won't reveal any info on him, how they met so soon after we broke up, or what his name is) had asked what was wrong, and she just kind of blew him off about it, because he wouldn't have understood the whole situation, not like I do.
Hearing mention of the new guy, I just plainly asked, "All the messages, they didn't work, did they? Nothing's going to change, is it?" She tried as politely as she could to tell me that, no, they didn't work, she just doesn't feel it, she thinks of me as only a friend now. I was crushed. She began apologizing, telling me she wished she could make me feel better, that she was sorry for all the pain she caused me. She kept saying all this, and I kept telling her it was fine, I was fine. She pointed out that there was no way I could be fine, and that she kind of wished we'd never dated, so we could just be normal friends again. I snapped at that.
I told her not to do that, not to try and take away the memories I had, the memories of my happiest times, as well as my saddest. And while I was telling her all this, something happened. I told her that, yes, I was fine, because I had to be. There wasn't really a choice. I could sit there and plaster on a fake smile, and tell her I was fine, or I could walk away, and lose my best friend of the last three years. I didn't want to throw away the last three years of my life. She was my best friend before we ever dated, and she knows me better than anyone. I know her too. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, have a family with her, but she doesn't feel the same way. All she wants is to go back to just being best friends.
In that moment, I made the only choice there was to make: I let go of all of it. I let go of the anger, and the pain, and the sadness. I let go beause it was like I understood for the first time. I couldn't make her love me. Whatever romantic feelings she may have had for me, they're gone now, and I can't force them to come back. It doesn't undo my feelings, I still feel some hurt and sadness, and the thought of her with another guy makes me feel nauseous, but it does make things a little easier. It made me reazlie just how much I care about her, because I do want her to be happy, and if she stayed with me, she'd just be living a lie and be miserable about it. So I just let go of my feelings. I've just recently lost the love of my life, the last thing I want is to lose my best friend.
I told her we'd find a way to get back to normal, and I meant it. Yes, I hate that she's with someone else already, but I care enough about her to want her to be happy, so I'll support her choice. Because I don't really have a choice anymore. I put it all on the line, and I lost.
So, now I just have to let go, and try my best to be fine. It's not easy, but what else is there to do?