So, here's the state of where things currently stand:
She's happy. I'm not. She's happy because she's in a new relationship and is in love with the guy. I'm unhappy for the exact same reasons. I know, I know, she doesn't want to be with me. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, which is something I've rambled on about for quite a while now. The hardest part in all of it has been losing my best friend. I always kind of knew there was no going back once we started dating, but I fooled myself into thinking for a while there might be. And maybe there still will be, but it's not going to happen anytime soon, and it will probably never be as close as we were. It just hurts too much, seeing her with someone else, and wishing it was me. That part really sucks. I have no idea what to do without her in my life. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, or, at least, no one that really knows me well. I guess that's the problem with dating someone who was your best friend: when it's over, one of you is going to be left with a huge hole in their lives. It got so bad this past week or so, that I gave in and texted her. I wanted to know about her life now. It's been seven weeks since we broke up, and it seems like she has an entirely new life, one that I don't know anything about anymore. We really didn't talk much; what is there to say right now? I'm still in love with her and I miss her desperately. And, to know anything about her life now, probably means having to know about him, the new guy. She told me how she felt about him, how serious it was, how she thinks he's 'the one' and she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. The same things she was telling me two months ago. I felt sick, and angry, and sad. But part of me still wanted to push through that, to go on talking to her. Deep down, I really do want her to be happy, and I also really, truly miss my friend, even though I know to talk to her or to see her will leave me wanting more. So I'm faced with the dilemma of either not having my best friend and the girl I love in my life, or of having to ignore my own pain and try to go back to being the friend I once was. I don't know which to do, or even if I can do either one very well.
Then, there's the whole moving on part. I know I'm supposed to be doing that, but I have two problems. Number one, I don't really want to. I still love her. I'm not sure I'm ready to move on, even if she has. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that. I'm thirty-two years old, and I've met one person in my life that I could envision spending the rest of my life with. Yes, I've loved other people, but none that I felt that strongly about, or that I could honestly see a long-term future with. I loved them, but there was always something off, and I knew it. Second, I'm not even sure I know how to move on. I have no idea where to meet people. I've tried internet dating. In the ten years or so that I've used it off and on, I've gotten three dates out of it. None of them went anywhere past the first date. Most of the time on those sites, the only single people live at least forty miles away (welcome to rural America) and very few seem interested in what I have to offer. I can probably count on all my hands and toes the number of women that have responded to any of my dating profiles. So, what does that leave me? Bars? I've considered it. But, looking back, I've dated one person I met in a bar. She was a friend of a friend who came out with us one night. We became friends, and later dated. And, then she eventually dumped me a few weeks before our planned wedding date, started seeing someone else, and I started writing horrible, over-emotional blogs about it. Besides, I haven't really met many interesting people in bars, at least, not ones that I'd want to associate with outside of a bar. I've thought about doing the whole random hook-up thing, but I don't think that's a good idea. I just feel like I might be too old for that kind of thing, and besides, I know I would just end up feeling guilty about it afterward. So, moving on? Nope, no idea how to even begin doing that.
And then there's this, the scary thing I'm dealing with. I've talked about on here my problems with sleeping, but, the last time she started dating someone else, it got worse. I've tried every sleeping medicine the doctor would give me. The only one that really worked all that well was Ambien, but I was terrified of becoming addicted to it. I've tried all the natural remedies. I work out and do yoga on a daily basis anyway, and those don't help. Tried white noise, cutting out caffeine, changing my diet, etc. None have really helped. But the last time she started dating someone, I found something that worked, although it's now starting to scare me. I had been at a friend's house the night before, and had a few beers left over. I remembered how beer always seemed to help me sleep. So I drank what I had, and I slept peacefully for the first time in a while. I bought more beer. Did the same thing, same result. So I kept it up. Flash forward to now, about five months later. The only nights I wasn't drinking where the nights I was with my ex. Those nights I slept decently, or at least better than I did when I was at home by myself. With her gone, I went back to drinking almost nightly. That didn't scare me at first. I know a lot of people that drink nightly, whether it be a few beers or a few glasses of wine. It was when I realized that I was drinking more and more as time went on that I started to get worried. I had went from two or three beers a night to six or seven. That's when I got worried. So, earlier this week, I decided to stop. Every single night, I'm up until almost five in the morning, then getting back up at a little before eight. I feel like I'm losing my mind without sleep, and it's probably intensifying every bad feeling I have over the break-up. A little voice inside me keeps saying that if it helps me sleep, it's okay, it's fine to have a few drinks, but it scares me because I don't want to be a guy that has to drink every night just to sleep. So, I'm trying to hold out, but it seems to just be making things worse.
Anyway, no real resolution to all this, just needed to vent and felt like giving an update.