After our long-time Republican congressman resigned abruptly last year
(the job offer from a hedge fund lobbying organization must've been way lucrative for him to put the taxpayers through the expense of a special election), voters placed Don Cazayoux, a Democrat, in the vacant seat for a few months until the general election. Cazayoux is a very conservative "Blue Dog" Democrat who mentions his support of gun owners' rights at every turn. (It's a Louisiana ritual--if you don't hunt, you must be a communist and therefore are ineligible for elective office. Don't ask me how this explains our not very hunter-like Governor, Bobby Jindal.) He supports the congressional Democratic leadership in some areas, the Bush administration in many others. Speaking as a liberal, he's probably the best we can do. He's a Democrat, he's young, he's unpretentious, he's a Democrat, and he's clearly a decent guy (the outgoing Republican reminded me of Q, the character John DeLancie played on Star Trek). And he's a Democrat.

Right now Cazayoux (pronounced Cazh-you) is running for office against a local state senator who buys the GOP, conservative, Religious Right agenda whole hog. He's a medical doctor, which is always confusing to me (how can he uphold the Hippocratic Oath if he's opposed to contraception and rapidly pro-war?). He has conducted a high-toned, fair and balanced campaign, but Somebody, I'm sure quite against Dr. Conservative's will, has been mailing around a bunch of attack ads busting Cazayoux's chops for being--wait for it--a secret liberal.

The one I received today, paid for by the National Republican Campaign Committee "and not Authorized by any Candidate's Campaign Committee," show Cazayoux, confusingly dressed in a sort of magician's gold lamé stage tux (ah Photoshop), is captioned "I'm not a Conservative, BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV." Get it? Because everyone knows that only a Conservative has the Family Values that We Need. If they left out any of the racial code words used in Southern elections in the post-Wallace era, I'm sure they'll fix that in their next mailing. So clearly they also hope that people will confuse Cazayoux, a sandy haired Cajun, for an African-American. The motto on the reverse of the mailer, "Slick. Deceptive. Dangerously Liberal" is a retread of ads run by North Carolina's Jesse Helms against Harvey Gantt, the African-American mayor of Charlotte, in '92. There, everyone knew that you couldn't vote against a guy for being black; but if he was also "liberal" (wink, wink), that was another thing entirely.

So OK, the corrupt hacks that brought you virtually every rigged deal and bad idea in the last eight to fifteen years can think of nothing to attack this candidate with but

(1) He's not a real conservative--he's the L-word (betcha he likes women's golf!).

(2) He might as well be black--you know, like Mary Landrieu.

But that's not quite all! Every ad they've aired, and every mailer they've sent out, mentions Cazayoux's alleged support of human cloning. This is interesting. Apparently this seriously pro-life(TM) candidate can't be attacked for supporting abortion, so they have to go to the murky issue of stem cell research to get the single issue anti-abortion voters' knees to jerk.

Don Cazayoux, it says on the mailer, "Voted to legalize the cloning and killing of human embryos." This is bullet point one of three damning, albeit virtually incoherent, indictments. The other two: "He Helped the pals of drunk drivers sue for our tax dollars." (Wouldn't your pals do the same for you?) And, he "Seriously weakened Lousiana's anti-terrorism bill." Funny, I thought the people who weakened the anti-terrorism effort were the geniuses who got us into Iraq, and the Einsteins who sent Homeland Security funds to Wyoming, rather than to the Port of New York, Port of New Orleans, and other logical places. What do I know?

So there you have it. Republicans, playing the race on a guy who's the wrong race. Playing the clone card because they don't have the abortion card, this time. (Who knew that there was a clone card, except in the Imperial Senate of Coruscant?) My man Cazayoux, for whom I pulled the lever today in Lousiana's early voting, and his army of dangerously effete liberal clones, marching soon through a Main Street, USA near you. When I was at a volunteers' meeting for Democratic candidates a few nights ago, I almost raised my hand and asked why we couldn't use Don's personal clone army to bloody well stuff some envelopes for us. I mean really. (I guess they'd need to take off the white Storm Trooper gloves first.)