“Oh My God Sterling! You have to take me to WholeFoods to get some chia seeds. I just read in Glamour Magazine I’m going to die because I’m a vegetarian and I don’t get enough Omega 3! That’s BRAIN FOOD man!!! No wonder my brain hasn’t been working for the past 20 years! Let’s go!!!! In the car….NOW! I don’t have much time, I can already feel my heart failing!”
My husband is used to me thinking that I am either unknowingly trying to kill myself or expecting him to kill me in my sleep. This is why I only let him put a small life insurance policy on me, so at least I know if he kills me, he will do it out of pure frustration and not for the cash. And for some reason this brings me comfort.
I’ve been married 3 times. Sterling is my 3rd husband and we have been together the longest. I don’t usually count my 1st marriage of 5 long months, mostly because I was really young and he was mostly insane. I’m not talking fun insane like, “lets bungee jump from a hot air balloon”. He was more like “Hey, I have a great idea! Let’s go strangle prostitutes, and you get extra points if she is wearing gold lamé spandex” kind of guy. He is serving a life sentence in prison now, so if you are a gold lamé wearing prostitute, you should be okay. I would think you would have other issues to worry about anyway in that type of career field. Wikapedia says gold lamé is “less than ideal for garments with frequent usage”. So maybe try spandex or rayon. I don’t know.
Sterling has been married twice. His first marriage was even shorter than mine. We have both come to the conclusion that everybody has some sort of issue; his being, he leaves dirty socks all over the house and mine being, I’ve got this thing about dying. I’m a necrophiliac. Wait…no. I just looked that up and I’m definitely not one of those. Fear of dying is called thantaphobia. I’m also fearful of Fanta soft drink commercials, so I am Fantaphobic as well. Sterling is not as alarmed as I am when I think I may be dying and he takes me to WholeFoods because I like to believe he loves me and cares about my wellbeing, but I think it’s mostly just to shut me up.
I dash in to WholeFoods and the uber cool guy (because they always are) who works in the supplement department tries to calm me down with his groovy talk and way too relaxed manner for such an emergency. He goes to the front of the store and gives me ON THE HOUSE a free full sized chia seed drink, the whole unopened glass bottle. He was going to just give me a sample but he understands the seriousness of the Omega 3 deficiency that I have just discovered thanks to the editors of Glamour, maybe that or he gives these away anyway. I don’t know, but I chose to believe I’m special and that he could see because of this superb intelligence in supplementation education that I was indeed lacking in Omega 3 and he was saving my life.
The chia seed, the same seed used to grow chia pets, is a nutritional supplement that has been around forever apparently, but I’m just hearing about it. I think it’s because I don’t have cable or because I assumed eating this type of seed would make me grow a green afro and dismissed it immediately.
I suck down this chia drink. The chia seeds once soaked, turn into a gelatinous form, so it is like taking a jello shot and reminds me of Christmas with my dysfunctional family. I still drink it despite this. I drink the whole thing and those cold little gel seeds feel soothing going down my throat. Also there was quite a bit of sugar involved which always helps the medicine go down.
SOLD! A one pound bag of chia seeds to the lady in her pajamas in isle 5! I get the dry chia seeds because I figure I can save money and soak them myself. How hard can it be? Apparently, too difficult a task for someone who doesn’t read directions because they are freaked out they have an Omega 3 deficiency and are dying. Listen, at least I put them in water and didn’t just eat the dry seeds from the bag. I just didn’t put them in water long enough and I used more than the suggested amount, but I figure more is better and it was only a “suggestion”.
I down another glass of chia seeds and I’m feeling quite happy with myself. Until, the pain starts. I feel a sharp cramp in my side. Hmmmm? Let’s Google this. OMG!!! Chia seeds EXPAND in the stomach if they haven’t been soaked long enough. Sterling was at work and I only had my Chihuahua to talk to. I told him in between crippling stomach pains as I lay on the bathroom floor that he had been a good dog except for peeing on the lanai every freaking time I turn my back and I would miss him.
I thought maybe I should try to throw up, but then got scared the chia seeds would get stuck in my throat and chia plants would start growing from my mouth. I’ve seen those advertisements for the chia pets and they grow fast. I could picture Sterling walking in from a day of work, shaking his head as he looks upon my dead body on the floor with a lovely bouquet of greenery growing from my face that smells of urine because the dog peed on me because he thought it was the right place because I was now a shrub. This is where I go in my head when I don’t read directions and then I don’t read the rest of the information I have just looked up on the internet because when I go back to my computer to type in my last Will and Testament, I see that the cure for my ailment is to drink water. So I do and I feel better. But I still tell Sterling about how I cheated death today and he buys me a cupcake.