"....and you're how old now?"

That little bit of thought no one thinks about
MAY 15, 2010 3:15AM

The beast with a hundred knives

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orange I suppose I could've posted a photo of John Gardner. Instead I put a pic of my favorite orange on youtube, "Annoying Orange." I hope I spelled his name correctly. I don't want this crazy orange to haunt my dreams. Well, better an orange than John Gardner.

He's the one who killed Amber Dubois and Chelsea King here in San Diego county.

Today he was sentenced to life in prison. I don't know the specifics since I hardly watch the news anymore. I still read the paper, but even then I get most of my news online. It was different today.

But I listened to the radio, and that's where I got my news. In the courtroom, via a live audio feed, the families of the victims spoke to Gardner. Their words were heartbreaking so I turned off the radio. I like to think of myself as a pretty tough guy emotionally, and I was puzzled why I didn't want to listen anymore.

I suppose you could blame it on my father. I take his feelings from him. He survived the Vietnam War so scarred everyone else in the family felt his pain. So we all essentially shut down to protect ourselves. 

Still, for a few minutes I listened to the survivors, and I wrinkled my eyebrows with anger and sadness.

I live in my own little world because I'm selfish. I'm not a political person and I rarely care what goes on beyond my own life. But it's not because I hate everyone.

It's because I care too much.

I know. It doesn't make sense. Not even to me. When does caring too much become an issue?

It becomes an issue when your own feelings frighten you.

I won't go on about Gardner or his victims or the survivors left behind to deal with their loss at losing their loved ones.

But when I heard the voices of the survivors speak on my little radio, someone lacerated me from behind with a hundred knives. Who was it??

It was me.

I don't understand why a lot of things happen, bad things, horrifying.

So when I do feel my emotions intensly, I'm afraid of crawling into my own skin. As I said ealier, I'm a coward. I freely admit it.

I quickly turned off my radio and went back to what I was doing before. I'm reading a book now on the history of Japan and how the country was forced to open its borders to the entire world.

I'm in the middle of it and can't wait to read more. But like most stories, fiction or non-fiction, there's usually a "bad guy."

And one must be careful for the fear will be so terrifying there's no place to hide. The beast with a hundred knives will come. Don't hide within yourself.

Your emotions will only betray you.

 

 

 

 

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Comments

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It's called having a "thin skin" and there are a ton of us out there. Free-floating guilt. Empathy. Lack of boundaries. Low self esteem. Mood disorders. Sensitive plant. tender. Avoidant personality disorder. We are good people, but we feel other people's pain too sharply--which the modern world will push on us. I can understand that your father's pain left you with fewer "reserves." You are a good person and you have a lot to offer! This was an excellent post.
I know, sometimes it all seems too much. Time for a nice walk or reading a good poem. Or whatever.
Wonderful that you can face it enough to describe it so clearly. I cannot watch TV for that reason. Seldom let things get into my head enough for that beast to get near me. It's all illusion anyway, the Hindus will tell you. Our attention does not validate it as reality. Thank you for delving within yourself so deeply for us.
Very well-written piece. I do the same thing, Luis. There is only so much pain and suffering I can take. Sometimes I just have to shield myself from it. I don't think there is anything wrong with it.
I meant to say "wrong with doing that."
That orange...oh gawd....**runs off into the tall tall grass**
Madness.
I agree.
Madness.
I agree.